Am I being played?

[Deleted]

When do you know you're getting played? What's the signs?

After an argument with my potential bf, he said he wanted to take things slow. As we're not even together yet, what does that mean?

During the argument I found that he hasn't changed at all and it's been nearly a year. He's the same stubborn man, he doesn't see nor probably doesn't even want to when he's wrong and when he's made a mistake. He barricades himself behind his walls and fires at anything that moves or tries to get through.

It saddens me he's like this because it's always as if he beckons me close enough to eat, like a carnivorous plant. He says he loves me, that he wants a future, but I don't see it anymore?

He says he wants to see that things have changed and improved between us before he get's back with me and his way of solving issues is by complaining about how I solve them and telling me that "you can't just ignore them" - and then doing it himself, justifying it by saying "I don't dwell on things, I move on from them"

... Am I being played?

[solvexx]

This is one sided, get your BF to post his side then I will judge.

[majinbebi]

I wouldn't commit to anyone with that much of a closed mind. At least if someone who was completely 100% wrong about something had an open mind, they would change when the facts changed/were presented to them. That's better than someone who thinks they're 100% right all the time and won't listen to anything or anyone else.

[Blooddeity]

He is just not into you! Move on.
Also you can't be played if you are not even in an actual relationship "potential boyfriend" does not count.

[smokii]

i wouldn't say you are being played, but it doesn't sound as though he's committed to having a relationship with you

i'd say stop wasting your time with him and find someone that truly wants to be with you.

[Random Word]

I see...

I think you should prepare yourself for a breakup as it doesn't look like you two are on the same page.

[Rabblexthree]

The fact is people need to stop trying to change people to be in a relationship. People should try to find someone they can accept for who they are before they start a relationship. If you're not even together yet and complaining that they haven't changed, then it just isn't the right relationship.

[Revi]

Have you been going out for a year now, and you're still not together? Honestly, I'd move on.

[Themius]

He is just not into you! Move on.
Also you can't be played if you are not even in an actual relationship "potential boyfriend" does not count.

You can be played if you're not in an actual relaitonship.

For instance a person can know they don't want to date you, but try to keep you tagging along as a last resort. That is playing with a person's feelings.

[Orange Joe]

When do you know you're getting played? What's the signs?

After an argument with my potential bf, he said he wanted to take things slow. As we're not even together yet, what does that mean?

During the argument I found that he hasn't changed at all and it's been nearly a year. He's the same stubborn man, he doesn't see nor probably doesn't even want to when he's wrong and when he's made a mistake. He barricades himself behind his walls and fires at anything that moves or tries to get through.

It saddens me he's like this because it's always as if he beckons me close enough to eat, like a carnivorous plant. He says he loves me, that he wants a future, but I don't see it anymore?

He says he wants to see that things have changed and improved between us before he get's back with me and his way of solving issues is by complaining about how I solve them and telling me that "you can't just ignore them" - and then doing it himself, justifying it by saying "I don't dwell on things, I move on from them"

... Am I being played?

Sounds like you are the one with the issue. Accept him as he is or move on. Stop trying to change him.

[Kerath]

Seems like he's not as into you, as you are to him.
If I'm reading your post correctly, it looks like you're not even together yet and you already want him to change? The two of you can't compromise and don't communicate effectively. Don't bother. You're clearly not compatible, you'd be better off spending your energy looking for someone who is.

[Koraak]

It saddens me he's like this because it's always as if he beckons me close enough to eat, like a carnivorous plant. He says he loves me, that he wants a future, but I don't see it anymore?

He says he wants to see that things have changed and improved between us before he get's back with me and his way of solving issues is by complaining about how I solve them and telling me that "you can't just ignore them" - and then doing it himself, justifying it by saying "I don't dwell on things, I move on from them"

... Am I being played?

wtf? How old are you? How can he say he loves you when you say you two aren't in a relationship? Were you guys together before and took a break? Everything about this says you guys are both just not right for each other but like the familiarity of each other so neither will move on.

[Deleted]

I cant judge without knowing what the argument was about.

If he told you know you shouldt get 5 cats for example then he was right.

[Reeve]

We wouldn't be helping you by validating or invalidating your fears without having more information from his side. You may be right, but it could just as easily be that you're too much in your own head and overinterpreting everything going on, which seems to be a common thing particularly among girls. The fact that "it's been nearly a year" and "he says he loves me," but he's still your "potential boyfriend" makes it sound to me like whatever you've got going on it's not healthy though. It shouldn't take a year for two people who love each other to become an item.

[Yvaelle]

You have been dating for a year. You presumably tell him you love him. He apparently tells you he loves you. You have not been together.

That's such a weird combination I don't know if my opinion would even be of any use. On the one hand, I have considered myself in a relationship on the first date if things really hit it off. On the other hand, I would never tell someone I love them that I haven't slept with - you have no idea if you're compatible sexually yet. I feel like we must be different species or something - because our mating habits seem wildly different.

[Kristya]

There's always two sides to every story. However, just taking yours at face value, it really sounds like you two aren't a good fit for each other.

When a key requirement of your relationship's success is the other person changing, then the chance of things ending up 'happily ever after' are slim to none.

Sorry if this is presumptuous, but I get the impression that you're still fairly young based on your post. You've still got plenty of time to be happy. Let this one go and find someone you fit with better - then everyone can be happy.

[ItachiZaku]

He definitely sounds flakey. He hasn't signed his free agent contract yet, and still taking meetings, yet you've already built your offense around him. Time for you to survey the market and take your franchise in a different direction.

[Deleted]

I agree with the others here, it sounds like you two aren't compatible. It's not healthy to commit yourself to someone where you can't be yourself, especially not if they aren't sure if they actually want a relationship after a year.

Perhaps my story can help you a bit? It's slightly different than yours, but your feelings are maybe comparable. I've been in a relationship with a guy for 4 years. During that time I've often hinted at him moving in with me (I had an appartment, he lived with his parents), and I also hinted that I would like him to marry me. Hell, it took him even a year to visit me in my new appartment after I moved from my student room to this appartment. He always told me he wanted a future with me, but never showed it. My friends and family told me that he wasn't the one for me, but I believed different. Christmas last year was when I dumped him. 6 months before that, I had a mental breakdown, dropped out of uni and was too depressed to properly live alone. I moved back in with my parents (they lived 200 km from my old uni and my bf), they helped me apply to a uni nearby. That Christmas I invited my bf over. When he declined (he hadn't visited me ever since 7-8 months), I talked with many people, and I concluded that we were no fit. I dumped him. A week after Christmas. Yes, really. And it felt awful. But it was much needed for me to slowly recover from my depression. And truth be told, I'm happy now.

And for you, I'd like to see you feel better too. Make the right decision. What do your friends and family think about your relationship? Ask the friends that knew you before you met him, they'll be able to compare the you from before and after you started dating. Please take their advice to heart. Think what you need. Would being together with him make you happy? Don't think being together with him will be any different than your dating period, that's a lie we all like to tell ourselves. It's simply not true. Think, what will you lose if you move on? Is that actually important to you? I'm sure you'll also gain some peace of mind if you do.

I wish you the best of luck, and as I said before, think of you. Do what makes you happy.

[Deleted]

... Am I being played?

Yes. Sounds to me like he's just playing with you.

[Deleted]

I agree with the others here, it sounds like you two aren't compatible. It's not healthy to commit yourself to someone where you can't be yourself, especially not if they aren't sure if they actually want a relationship after a year.

Perhaps my story can help you a bit? It's slightly different than yours, but your feelings are maybe comparable. I've been in a relationship with a guy for 4 years. During that time I've often hinted at him moving in with me (I had an appartment, he lived with his parents), and I also hinted that I would like him to marry me. Hell, it took him even a year to visit me in my new appartment after I moved from my student room to this appartment. He always told me he wanted a future with me, but never showed it. My friends and family told me that he wasn't the one for me, but I believed different. Christmas last year was when I dumped him. 6 months before that, I had a mental breakdown, dropped out of uni and was too depressed to properly live alone. I moved back in with my parents (they lived 200 km from my old uni and my bf), they helped me apply to a uni nearby. That Christmas I invited my bf over. When he declined (he hadn't visited me ever since 7-8 months), I talked with many people, and I concluded that we were no fit. I dumped him. A week after Christmas. Yes, really. And it felt awful. But it was much needed for me to slowly recover from my depression. And truth be told, I'm happy now.

And for you, I'd like to see you feel better too. Make the right decision. What do your friends and family think about your relationship? Ask the friends that knew you before you met him, they'll be able to compare the you from before and after you started dating. Please take their advice to heart. Think what you need. Would being together with him make you happy? Don't think being together with him will be any different than your dating period, that's a lie we all like to tell ourselves. It's simply not true. Think, what will you lose if you move on? Is that actually important to you? I'm sure you'll also gain some peace of mind if you do.

I wish you the best of luck, and as I said before, think of you. Do what makes you happy.

I've known him for 5 years, it's always been on/off because of my depression. After he dumped my ass in the beginning of this year, I made the choice and turned my life around. I have a job, I'm studying and I'm saving up for my own place and when he decided to give us another go, I told him I had an actual chance to study abroad for a year, meaning we could take it to the next level. Everything has been fine up until this huge a-bomb argument which he blames me for having blown out of proportion.

I changed and I've grown, I know I can't expect him to but honestly, if you agree with someone to work on rebuilding a relationship, is it too much to ask? He expects me to iron out my flaws, why not set the same expectations for himself? I've been reminding him of where we are and I kept telling him we live our lives separately at the moment, I've tried my best to be rational and think of this as a trial period, but when he says one thing and expects me to NOT do it and then does it himself... What the hell? My parents don't know about him, I don't talk to them about such things and my friends are flakey as hell and I can't trust them to give any valuable/helpful advice.

I like and love him for who he is, but in my opinion, relationships sprout from friendships and if it's real, you allow each other to grow, but together. It seems like his roots are dry as hell and he has no intention of seeking water, lol.

Thank you for sharing your story and your advice, it's really enlightening and I love getting other peoples perspectives, even though I haven't given much to go on.