When to divulge things in a relationship

[Gumboy]

Yeah, we are not like engaged or anywhere near that serious yet, but I just dont' want to feel like I was keeping something from her about myself that could matter to the relationship.

She seemed to get along with him fine, but we each met quite a few new people that night.

[Darshana]

Ok the way I see it:

Tell her, you didn't mention it because you're not bi anymore, you're "her only" like if her name is Kate tell her you are Kate-Sexual because she's the only one you will ever find attractive, that way she will not be angry at all. But you should not tell her unless she finds out somehow, so say for example your friend mentions it "oh Kate did you know he's bi-sexual?" then you can open with your.. "actually I'm Kate-sexual and nothing else" then punch your friend in the face for being a twat.

Then.. if she is a little put off with knowing you were with a man before her.. tell her you like women much much more and would prefer a woman definately. Trust me I know how girls think and if she ever suspects that you like her less cause she aint got a dick she will be gone within the month.

Also if you just starting dating and told her everything then she'd think you were too full on and too whiny and needy of acceptance. You should wait until you've moved in together to break out the weird stuff and by that time she will love u anyway.

[Gumboy]

well..I mean I am still Bi in this specific instance, so that would be just as big of a lie as me never saying anything about it :P

Or were you not being completely serious O.o

[Kurioxan]

Truth always comes out, what hurts people the most about lies is not what you did, but that you lied about it.
I dont lie unless my life depends on it, or for other people (not my responsibility and im not breaching other peoples trust) and find that it works just fine.
There are limits and boundaries, those need to be respected, which doesnt mean lying is fine, its very destructive, many times more than the actual thing being hidden.

[Gumboy]

Yeah, I mean in this case its not me lying to her about it; I just have not mentioned it because I frankly didn't even think that it mattered because its how I've always lived my life :P

[katmandu26]

Depends on what it is. Have an STD? Tell them before you ever attempt any of that. Are you bi? Meh, tell them if they ask. Just don't go having a boyfriend and a girlfriend. Are you a Transexual? Probably should tell them that upfront, some people really do have a problem with that.

It really just depends on what the information is.

Some people have a real problem with bi's, too. It's best to be honest up front and let her know than to have her find out later from an ex and think you hid it from her. That's all kinds of bad.

Contrary to popular belief, honesty really is best if you plan on spending your life with someone. Obviously, after a few dates, you have no idea if that's the case - but it's still always, always best to lay a solid foundation at the start. Honest relationships are better ones.

[Voraliska]

I agree, always better to go the route of truth. Some people even take serious offense to "lie by omission". be honest when you are ready to be honest. If they think that you should have been honest sooner, then that is a whole other issue. Now though, I think we are starting to read way to deeply into this~ Be yourself, if someone can not accept you for who you truly are, then they do not deserve you. Acne, weight, sexuality and all.

[Gumboy]

Yeah; it was not like an intentional "Didn't bring it up" i just....didn't bring it up :P It wasn't a consicous decision, I'm sure she'll be fine with it.

[Voraliska]

Then you should be fine. Good luck, it seems like you have a good thing!

[skitzin]

I wouldn't worry about bringing it up. Realistically speaking past relationships are neither here nor there really. Better off just focusing on this one now.

[Deleted]

When you've known each other for long enough to feel comfortable sharing personal secrets and you are ready to commit long term to the relationship.
I'd say, something like 6-8 months for the most introverted people out there who hate sharing secrets and something like 4 months for others. But those are just my estimations based on personal experience so take it with a grain of salt.

[Kurioxan]

Yeah; it was not like an intentional "Didn't bring it up" i just....didn't bring it up :P It wasn't a consicous decision, I'm sure she'll be fine with it.

And if she doesnt, dont grow bitter about it and decide never to tell the truth, that not a good path.
Just means she wasnt right for you, if anything you are better off.

[Gandrake]

just dont and if she finds out be like "well you never asked if i liked dick"

[Deleted]

Whenever it comes up I guess.

Granted i'm pretty truthful to the point of offending people so I never really encounter any problems.

Obviously it's an STD or STI or some sort of mental health disorder that indirectly affects them mention it, outside that wait until it comes up it's pretty early for you anywho.

[nextormento]

I see zero reason to purposefully bring it up.
It doesn't qualify as a secret even: it is who you are and I don't see you expressly hiding it anyway.

There's a wide spectrum on how bi people go about our relationships. If you fall on the 'I am dating a person' rather than 'I am currently dating this or that gender', you'll have 0 trouble spinning it as 'I was not very concerned that you were a female to begin with' when she figures it out.

[PIsForPhuck]

If it just hasn't come up yet, I'd say it's fine.
I'm a pretty open book and expect the same in return, but when it hasn't come up that's a little different.

[Daez]

If it does not at all affect them then there is no reason to ever tell them. In the case of your example, I only see it affecting them if you want to continue to date both sexes. In that case, guys are normally more open that idea than girls, but girls are coming to be more open to it.

- - - Updated - - -

Never, a good relationship is built upon secrets and lies, ask any married couple.

Every relationship is built upon secrets and lies... especially marriages. If you think married couples tell each other everything you are painfully optimistic.

[draganid]

Ok the way I see it:

Tell her, you didn't mention it because you're not bi anymore, you're "her only" like if her name is Kate tell her you are Kate-Sexual because she's the only one you will ever find attractive, that way she will not be angry at all. But you should not tell her unless she finds out somehow, so say for example your friend mentions it "oh Kate did you know he's bi-sexual?" then you can open with your.. "actually I'm Kate-sexual and nothing else" then punch your friend in the face for being a twat.

Then.. if she is a little put off with knowing you were with a man before her.. tell her you like women much much more and would prefer a woman definately. Trust me I know how girls think and if she ever suspects that you like her less cause she aint got a dick she will be gone within the month.

Also if you just starting dating and told her everything then she'd think you were too full on and too whiny and needy of acceptance. You should wait until you've moved in together to break out the weird stuff and by that time she will love u anyway.

dont go with the kate-sexual thing imo. saying your only going to be attracted to her is a flat out lie and anyone would know it. being attracted to people isnt a big deal, acting on it can be.

as for telling her your bi, test the waters a bit before laying it down. if shes a "god hates fags your all evil sinners and gonna burns in hellfire" kinda person you can save yourself some ridicule and end the relationship on your terms.

[Deleted]

On the next date, fake a coughing fit, slip "I like dudes" in there.

If it becomes a problem down the line, you've already told her, so she's at fault.

[Daez]

Sadly this is true.

Don't sweat it.

Think of all the things you do not really know about your spouse (so) and things you are pretty sure they do not really want to know about you. Then ask yourself if you honestly believe this.