How to cope with suicide

[Dalverick]

You know, its crazy to think about it..but when you are a member of a forum community for many years it becomes sort of..a family in a way. You see posts and posts from the same people, grow up with them over the course of years and years, build friendships, and then one day they are gone.

I was a semi-casual member of another forum community a ways back, not sure if any of you have heard of Neoseeker but that would be the one. I spent most of my time lurking towards the end of my run there, but I still knew of the people there and followed their posts even if I was not actively posting myself. Sort of like a fly on the wall.

I left the site for a few years, but when I returned I eventually come across a thread titled goodbye. Apparently one of the members there took their own life. Simply typing that sentence gives me a lump in the back of my throat and my eyes well with a few tears. I didn't know him too well but I'd seen him around, posting in quite a few of the forums and was always bringing people up into a better mood with his witty humor and laidback attitude.

I go to his profile and its almost haunting to see. His custom title set to /will sleep forever/, his interests include loveisdead, and his biography said 'loser at life'. His signature is a link to his last.fm and you can see the last songs he listened to. Some of them just seemed so dark and I wish I could have done anything to help him. You can see his last 10 forum posts and they all seemed normal.. sure when you read them looking back now you can possibly see some foreshadowing but he had a dark sense of humor. His final post was correcting a spelling mistake and ending it with 'I'm in the clear bros'.

His location is listed as 'where I belong' and the link sends you to neoseeker. I dunno if its intentional that he set it like that but that really cuts deep and it makes me cry. As if Neoseeker was his family. I desperately want to see him posting again but I know he never will. He was such a huge part of the community and he was always so caring from what I saw.

Reading the goodbye posts from his close friends was difficult. He opened up to them in private about the things he was going through and it boggles my mind that he was having troubles. On the outside he seemed so funny and upbeat, never really appearing upset despite whatever it was he was going through. The type of guy that lived to make everyone around him happy. I only wish I could have done something to help him, to get him through whatever troubles he was going through. It breaks my heart knowing he was in so much pain this was the only way he saw relief. It hurts reading how upset his close friends were and I wish I could give them all a hug including the guy that took his life.

Now there seems to be a void. Like where he was is just completely empty. There's something missing in all of the forums he used to post in. His energy and attitude were so fun to be around and his goofiness and absurdities never failed to put a smile on peoples faces. But its all gone.. his legacy is still there in his posts but it feels haunting and it is almost taunting me in a way. Like I never realized how awesome of a guy he was until after the fact and now I'll never get to know him more.

I hold no grudges or am not casting any sort of judgment onto him. I can't even imagine what he was going through. All I know is I miss the hell out of him and desperately want to see him posting his goofy posts again. I'm more upset with myself for not getting to know him more when he was around..for not helping him get through the rough times whatever they were. I'm at a loss.

He took his life 4-5 years ago so the mourning period for his friends and the community is long over. I never got to grieve and its something that I'm dwelling on. It would come off really weird bringing it up there..especially since I only ever really talked to him in passing via the forums. He touched some random dudes heart and I'm just so upset I couldn't help him or even know him more.

I dunno what the point of this thread was. I'm just really sad and I miss the guy. Its awkward because I wasn't that close to him, but close enough to where his lack of presence and general knowledge of him feels like a knife in the heart. Like I somehow failed him for not helping him.

Are there any ways of coping with this? I know faith and religion is a way but that doesn't help me at the moment.. I feel like he's just..gone forever. If you were a member of neo and know who I was talking about, maybe PM instead of posting in the thread.. I very much respect his privacy.

[Super Kami Dende]

The 6th anniversary of one of my best and closest friends committing suicide was 3 weeks ago. I still get extremely sad at times because all my best Memories as a teenager/young adult involve him. Meaning anytime I think of the good times I am reminded of him.

I couldn't tell you the best way to move on because I believe it is greatly different between person to person. I will say though that faith and religion is not the way. I had a whole bunch of religious people tell me it was "all part of a plan" to which I refuse to believe there was some divine plan that my friend would never see his 21st birthday or a plan to devastate all the people around him.

The best thing to do is accept it was his choice to end his life and there is no way to go back in time to change it. Once you accept that it is easier to deal with the grief.

[wowaccounttom]

mmmm i thought you were asking for help about yourself... can't help you with what you are asking.

I would say the best way to cope is to celebrate the aspects of this person's life that you and others enjoyed about him/her ..... even if it is from of a game... after all, "Chaos isn’t a pit. Chaos is a ladder."

you have the chance to climb the ladder, meet other people and get better.

just remember, people, when it comes the most intimate of instances, are always alone. It doesnt matter if you have the most fulfilled life, and have the love of parents, lover, and many friends....

but loneliness is not bad, it is a great companion, it is ever patient, and lets you consider every single facet of life.


just accept that for the time being you will be sad... celebrate his/her life by living.

edit: i just read a bit more of your post... so its been a while since the person went splat... time heals everything, little by little, as you live your life, you will forget the pain but not the person.

so just give it more time... stop thinking about the negative aspect of it, but think of the good moments had.

[apepi]

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."

mmmm i thought you were asking for help about yourself... can't help you with what you are asking.

I would say the best way to cope is to celebrate the aspects of this person's life that you and others enjoyed about him/her ..... even if it is from of a game... after all, "Chaos isn’t a pit. Chaos is a ladder."

Now I want to watch GoT...

[Dalverick]

I will say though that faith and religion is not the way. I had a whole bunch of religious people tell me it was "all part of a plan" to which I refuse to believe there was some divine plan that my friend would never see his 21st birthday or a plan to devastate all the people around him.

The best thing to do is accept it was his choice to end his life and there is no way to go back in time to change it. Once you accept that it is easier to deal with the grief.

I am not a very religious guy so it doesn't help when people say someday you'll see him. Even if that were true, I don't think heaven would be the same.. hanging out, doing outrageous things, snappy humor, roleplaying, going to the movies, etc. All earthly things wouldn't be there..

I know it was his choice.. I just selfishly want him here because he was such an awesome guy damnit..

Death is inevitable. Why worry?

He was only 18 at the time. He could have gone to college, met a girlfriend, visited the world, and just lived life in general. He was so creative and sharp with witty humor.. while also being kind and was always trying (and succeeding) to get people to feel better after a shitty day despite how awful he himself must have been feeling inside. To cast his own problems to the side..while also being able to lift other people up. That's a special quality in a person and it royally sucks that he ended it when his life had barely even begun. He made countless people happy, I just wish we were able to help him when he needed it.

Hearing the messages his close friends wrote broke my heart. Some of them saying how he had tried to contact them to say ilu and seeing the songs on his last.fm that were playing before he took his life. Its eerie and heartbreaking.. Its so difficult to come to terms that he just isn't ever going to be there anymore.

When people are older and in their 80s or 90s the loss is hard, but not unexpected. They lived long and probably happy lives. When someone so young ends it, the magnitude of the pain is so much higher. I desperately wish he wasn't gone, but I know deep down he is.

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."

Reminds me of the better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all.. which I also have trouble with. Would it not have been less painful to never have loved/known at all, then to have it taken away? Missing someone hurts so much more than never having known them at all.

I only knew just enough about him to feel incredible distraught, but not well enough to have many fond memories. Which leaves me feeling helpless and upset that I hadn't got to know him better when he was around.

[Independent voter]

Doesn't this thread bare a striking resemblance to this thread?

http://www.mmo-champion.com/threads/...-and-set-backs

In formatting? Both posters have low post counts. Not that it's a big deal but it makes me wonder.

[jasdasm]

Why worry so much ? He is gone back to the Darkness he came from wont take long and you will join him in this darkness.

[Kurioxan]

Death is inevitable. Why worry?

There is a difference, death is natural and normal, something that will (and should) happen sooner or later, but dying from a disease or accident or someone elses actions is a bit different from taking ones own life, suicide is by all means far more tragic, as it means someone thought their life to miserable, their existence so worthless as to do it.

While at the same time some types of suicide are "good" such as in terminal illness, it allows the person to maintain dignity and end meaningless suffering, but suicide outside of those circumstances really does "ring a bell" in a lot of people.

[Kulanae]

Sounds like you are suffering a little transference. All of the fears you have and the worries and doubts you have are manifesting in your feeling of loss for this person.

I would suggest some grief counseling.

[Afrospinach]

I had a similar experience. I had a hunter friend who was sort of my apprentice for a while. I helped him get broken tooth and whatnot back when all that stuff really mattered. Then we drifted apart as friends, he did some stupid crap when he was invited on a coalition raid with us which irked me, so later when he was prattling on about how wow was just a loot treadmill and everyone was apparently just too stupid to realise it in an AV I had no issues chewing him out about it. I don't know if he committed suicide but that was my last interaction with this friend. 8 years later his character is STILL there on the armory, his posts are all still on our guild forum(actually I think that is gone now). It is a peculiar kind of haunting when someone just leaves their digital trail there forever because you never *really* know what was going on.

Either way there is not really any closure to be had. I kind of regret that my last exchange of any kind with this person was unpleasant the same way you regret that this apparently cheerful person was really not. If you have someone in your guild who is is online 24/7 or just rampant on forums all the time it can't hurt to ask: How are you doing?

[DEATHETERNAL]

Don't dwell on wishing you could have helped him. Some of us just can't be helped. We simply need to decide to keep trudging on. Some don't, and there is nothing you could have done for someone who doesn't.

[Jayburner]

I was a member of a forum for over 10 years and one day out of nowhere...the forum creator killed herself..it was pretty devastating to be honest. Still can't believe it.

RIP Opalcat

[Deleted]

Unless I know somebody IRL I don't shed any tears tbh... It's usually "Oh that's sad, what's for dinner"

[vindicatorx]

Don't care if they were cowardly enough to commit suicide I have no reason to stop to think of them.

[apepi]

I was a member of a forum for over 10 years and one day out of nowhere...the forum creator killed herself..it was pretty devastating to be honest. Still can't believe it.

RIP Opalcat

I was part of a forum and one of the top people died in a car accident, I was sad. It kinda just killed the forum.

[Nanaboostme]

I've suffered clinical depression since I was a kid and had strong thoughts of suicide before checking myself into rehab. I've also been through depression medications, therapists, etc. But of all that helped the most, it was understanding Clinical Depression and being open about it. Depression is not a sign of weakness. Admitting that you have takes a lot of strength.

"I have no regrets in my life. I think that everything happens to you for a reason. The hard times that you go through build character, making you a much stronger person."
-Rita Moreno

-Clinical Depression is America's most misunderstood illness. It's not something you can see through an X-Ray. You cannot understand it unless you have it. Do not be ashamed if you have long-term depression.

-Whats the difference between short and long term depression? Short-term depression is being sad when everything in life is going wrong. Long-term depression is being sad when everything in life is going right.

- You’re considered weak, dismissed, belittled, but study shows depression hits mostly those who are highly intelligent. Ernest Hemingway and Vincent Van Gogh. You also have to ask why so many comedians go through clinical depression.

- Telling someone with clinical depression to "Just Snap Out of It" is like telling someone with cancer to "Just Stop Having Cancer"

- You don't commit suicide. You die from Depression.



http://robdelaney.tumblr.com/post/41...n-getting-help <- If you're feeling hopeless, helpless, and worthless.

"The loneliest people are the kindest. The saddest people smile the brightest. The most damaged people are the wisest. All because they do not wish to see others suffer the way they do".

I hope that helps a little bit with coping and understanding.

[Dispraise]

Dear lord I hope I don't spend enough time around here for anybody to need grief counseling when I'm gone.

[Crissi]

I know this is about suicide, but about 5 years ago I lost a friend that I raided with and had fun with to cancer. (his toon Caylee Dak is on ALdor rise in Shattrath). It was rpetty devestating. The only thing you can do is remember the good times, and any time he was happy. Thats what I do.