I think my girlfriend was abused as a child.

[Paperplates]

Hey, this is quite a sensitive topic so excuse the new account, I want to keep this anonymous as I can. Also I realise this isn't the best forum for advice for such a topic however maybe others have been in the situation or know of it better than I.

So last night I was talking to my girlfriend and she was talking about her ex boyfriends. She had mentioned that she only had two before me, one was five years older and one was three. She then mentioned her she had her first boyfriend at thirteen and I made a joke saying I hope it wasn't the guy who was five years older than you then. Which she replied yes..... So she was 13 and he was 18. I lost it.

To me that is fucked up. No right minded 18 year old should be in a relationship with a 13 year old. To put in perspective, that is a college student with 7th/8th grader. Now, she did say that they never had sex until she was 17 because she knew she was too young, however when she was 13 they did kiss, hug, touch etc. (to what degree I don't know). By most definitions of what I can find a pedophile is someone with interest in children 13 or younger, so she technically falls into that category at the start of the relationship. From then I'm not sure what it falls under, but by definition, ANY sexual arousal from children at that age by an adult is seen as pedophilia.

Now the hard part. My girlfriend is now defending this guy. She says he is normal, a nice guy, they were more "friends", there is no way he would have been with another girl like that and that they still keep contact with each other. To me that sounds like the typical manipulative behavior of someone who is a sex offender. To me if feels like she is in denial over the whole thing, while displaying other traits that abuse survivors show such as having zero trust in relationships (she is unbelievably jealous of other girls and constantly thinks I am cheating on her), her self-confidence is non-existent (she is stunningly beautiful but thinks she is ugly and fat at a size 4), she has really bad anxiety and cannot face any sort of confrontation without going silent or trying to redirect the conversation.

I'm sort of lost with what to do. Am I over reacting to this or is this as messed up as I think?

[Deleted]

None of your business really

If she didn't feel abused then what's the issue?

[Revi]

Ask a professional. There's hotlines and websites for this that will give you much more qualified answers than us.

My personal wholly uninformed opinion though, is that if she doesn't have a problem with it you shouldn't make it one. As fucked up as I think it is, her other "issues" can be totally unrelated. Plenty of people have low confidence.

[zenkai]

I agree its fucked up for a 18 year old to be messing with a 13 year old but if she isn't bothered by it then you shouldn't be.

[Paperplates]

What if they don't realise they were abused? That's my point. An 18 year old with a 13 year old is breaking the law in pretty much every western society.

[Deleted]

She then mentioned her she had her first boyfriend at thirteen and I made a joke saying I hope it wasn't the guy who was five years older than you then. Which she replied yes..... So she was 13 and he was 18. I lost it.

None of your business. Keep frame.

So last night I was talking to my girlfriend and she was talking about her ex boyfriends. She had mentioned that she only had two before me, one was five years older and one was three.

Now, she did say that they never had sex until she was 17 because she knew she was too young, however when she was 13 they did kiss, hug, touch etc. (to what degree I don't know).

This is most likely a *lie*. Your girlfriend doesn't want to look like a slut; her partner count is most likely higher.

By most definitions of what I can find a pedophile is someone with interest in children 13 or younger, so she technically falls into that category at the start of the relationship. From then I'm not sure what it falls under, but by definition, ANY sexual arousal from children at that age by an adult is seen as pedophilia.

Sure, but you can literally do nothing about it, especially since you are stating later that she is defending him. So it doesn't matter.

Now the hard part. My girlfriend is now defending this guy. She says he is normal, a nice guy, they were more "friends", there is no way he would have been with another girl like that and that they still keep contact with each other. To me that sounds like the typical manipulative behavior of someone who is a sex offender. To me if feels like she is in denial over the whole thing, while displaying other traits that abuse survivors show such as having zero trust in relationships (she is unbelievably jealous of other girls and constantly thinks I am cheating on her), her self-confidence is non-existent (she is stunningly beautiful but thinks she is ugly and fat at a size 4), she has really bad anxiety and cannot face any sort of confrontation without going silent or trying to redirect the conversation.

Sounds like you are dealing with a crazy one. I would break up with her and run while I can, if I were you.

[Venant]

None of your business really

If she didn't feel abused then what's the issue?

I imagine the police would have had an issue with it, had it been reported at the time.

[Deleted]

well, the first thing which comes to my mind is: I had a girlfriend who was 14 when I was 18. I also had no sex with her..but kissing and stuff was on, like the things she / you described. I was just late in my development, nothing of pedophilia there. Later on, with 15, my gf was pregnant...luckily the father wasnt me (since we hadnt had sex anyway) so that was that...^^

I dont really know if youre overreactng, noone here will. What really would concern me is that she still has contact with the ex who is 5 years older. I would maybe try to get to know the other guy, maybe even invite him so you get to know him. "Youre important to my girlfriend so youre important to me too" or sth like that. Thats the only thing I can tell you. Not an expert here :P

[TheDestinatus]

Not uncommon, I know my mother was, my current wife and 2 of the women I dated before her. I think its probably much more common then the statistics reflect.

[Jtbrig7390]

What if they don't realise they were abused? That's my point. An 18 year old with a 13 year old is breaking the law in pretty much every western society.

While it is breaking the law you are not her parent. If she is fine with it then leave it be. At one point she may not have been ok with it but clearly she may have delt with it. Dont reopen old wounds if there is any. She ia a adult and knows if she was abused now. Let her make that choice.

[Deleted]

You do know girls have sex, in western countries, from the age of 10-11, right? The more we advance and develop and push sexuality into eveything the lower the age of first sexual contact goes. Heck in my country it's legal oral from 13 and full penetration at 16, but I think 8/10 girls that I knew from school had sex between 13-16.

And it also depends on the kid/women, some develop more than others.

[Paperplates]

I dont really know if youre overreactng, noone here will. What really would concern me is that she still has contact with the ex who is 5 years older. I would maybe try to get to know the other guy, maybe even invite him so you get to know him. "Youre important to my girlfriend so youre important to me too" or sth like that. Thats the only thing I can tell you. Not an expert here :P

Can't do that. He lives in another country. She is home visiting her parents and he heard about her going back so got in contact so they could go for a drink. He is engaged to someone now also.

You do know girls have sex, in western countries, from the age of 10-11, right? The more we advance and develop and push sexuality into eveything the lower the age of first sexual contact goes. Heck in my country it's legal oral from 13 and full penetration at 16, but I think 8/10 girls that I knew from school had sex between 13-16.

Oh yes, don't get me wrong I know kids who were doing that also......with other kids, not adults.

[TheDestinatus]

I have had this conversation with my wife, you can't force them to do anything about it, it will feel like you are trying to force them to do things they don't want which is just a lesser version of whats already happened to them.

[Deleted]

I imagine the police would have had an issue with it, had it been reported at the time.

Only if somebody filled a complaint

- - - Updated - - -

What if they don't realise they were abused? That's my point. An 18 year old with a 13 year old is breaking the law in pretty much every western society.

You're in danger of sabotaging your own relationship if you don't drop it

[zenkai]

Only if somebody filled a complaint

Indeed, which makes me think she either her parents didn't know or she has terrible parents.

[callipygoustp]

Hey, this is quite a sensitive topic so excuse the new account, I want to keep this anonymous as I can. Also I realise this isn't the best forum for advice for such a topic however maybe others have been in the situation or know of it better than I.

So last night I was talking to my girlfriend and she was talking about her ex boyfriends. She had mentioned that she only had two before me, one was five years older and one was three. She then mentioned her she had her first boyfriend at thirteen and I made a joke saying I hope it wasn't the guy who was five years older than you then. Which she replied yes..... So she was 13 and he was 18. I lost it.

To me that is fucked up. No right minded 18 year old should be in a relationship with a 13 year old. To put in perspective, that is a college student with 7th/8th grader. Now, she did say that they never had sex until she was 17 because she knew she was too young, however when she was 13 they did kiss, hug, touch etc. (to what degree I don't know). By most definitions of what I can find a pedophile is someone with interest in children 13 or younger, so she technically falls into that category at the start of the relationship. From then I'm not sure what it falls under, but by definition, ANY sexual arousal from children at that age by an adult is seen as pedophilia.

Now the hard part. My girlfriend is now defending this guy. She says he is normal, a nice guy, they were more "friends", there is no way he would have been with another girl like that and that they still keep contact with each other. To me that sounds like the typical manipulative behavior of someone who is a sex offender. To me if feels like she is in denial over the whole thing, while displaying other traits that abuse survivors show such as having zero trust in relationships (she is unbelievably jealous of other girls and constantly thinks I am cheating on her), her self-confidence is non-existent (she is stunningly beautiful but thinks she is ugly and fat at a size 4), she has really bad anxiety and cannot face any sort of confrontation without going silent or trying to redirect the conversation.

I'm sort of lost with what to do. Am I over reacting to this or is this as messed up as I think?

This kind of content, if true, posted to a gaming forum. What the fuck is the matter with some of you people....

[Paperplates]

Indeed, which makes me think she either her parents didn't know or she has terrible parents.

She hid it from her parents, I already asked her. Which suggests both parties knew it was wrong.

[TheDestinatus]

This kind of content, if true, posted to a gaming forum. What the fuck is the matter with some of you people....

Should they keep silent about it?

[ls-]

Oh yes, don't get me wrong I know kids who were doing that also......with other kids, not adults.

Nah, girls usually prefer guys, who are older than they are, so, not a biggie.

[Kantalope]

It's not your place to be upset. You're trying to force how you feel about the situation on her, when the situation has nothing to do with you. She's fine with it. Either you accept it and move on, or you break up because you can't get over her past (which, quite frankly, is ridiculous).