I think my girlfriend was abused as a child.

[Paperplates]

Nah, girls usually prefer guys, who are older than they are, so, not a biggie.

That's not the point. The GUY should know that it is wrong, not the young girl.


It seems a lot of you are going with this wasn't really abuse because she is OK with it. Put it in another context. If a woman is being physically abused by her spouse but refuses to do anything or state that he is doing any harm, does that make it ok?

[Deleted]

That's not the point. The GUY should know that it is wrong, not the young girl.

So fucking what? Your girlfriend doesn't care about it now so you shouldn't either.

[Radaney]

At the end of the day it doesn't matter. She doesn't seem to have a problem with it therefore you can't exactly presume she was abused in any way.

[callipygoustp]

Should they keep silent about it?

Really? This is what you think I am implying? Not that there are much better venues for this discussion? More appropriate venues? No, instead you think I want him to just shut up about it.

Again, this kind of content, on a gaming forum.... wtf

[TheDestinatus]

It's not your place to be upset. You're trying to force how you feel about the situation on her, when the situation has nothing to do with you. She's fine with it. Either you accept it and move on, or you break up because you can't get over her past (which, quite frankly, is ridiculous).

I don't agree, you can feel upset as much as you want. What you can't do is force a situation to happen because you want it to happen, thats not your role in a relationship between two equals, its your job to provide support and suggestions, but you have to respect her wishes.

[Cosmic Janitor]

That's not the point. The GUY should know that it is wrong, not the young girl.


It seems a lot of you are going with this wasn't really abuse because she is OK with it. Put it in another context. If a woman is being physically abused by her spouse but refuses to do anything or state that he is doing any harm, does that make it ok?

You mean he should have magically lost all interest in girls under 18 no matter how they look, just because he reached the magical limit?

[Thrif]

I'm sort of lost with what to do. Am I over reacting to this or is this as messed up as I think?

I'd say over reacting. Yes, it's a bit creepy that a 13 and an 18 year old were in a relationship, but it's not something abominable. And while you're right that it technically constitutes pedophilia, it's at the extreme cutoff, with 13 being the oldest age, and 5 years older being the minimum requirement. And they're not really what the law is against, since it appears your girlfriend was in it voluntarity and nothing fishy happened.

Then again, if I had a 13 year old daughter and some 18 year old guy told me he was her boyfriend, I would have punched him in the face. Or at least had the inclination to. So I understand if you're disgusted about it, since you're a part of it, so to speak.

[TheDestinatus]

Really? This is what you think I am implying? Not that there are much better venues for this discussion? More appropriate venues? No, instead you think I want him to just shut up about it.

Again, this kind of content, on a gaming forum.... wtf

The content of this websites forums leans way more to real world conversations then those of the game its based on, if you don't like it you basically need to crusade for this removal of off topic. It will never happen because people are real people and actually want to talk about real world stuff.

[ls-]

That's not the point. The GUY should know that it is wrong, not the young girl.

Well, a girl was willing to do so, and dude was like what? 18? That's just yesterday-kid, so not a problem, IMHO.

According to laws of your state/country it might not be ok, yeah, but from personal standpoint, both parties agreed on fucking each other, I dun see it as an act of abuse or rape.

[Laerrus]

(she is unbelievably jealous of other girls and constantly thinks I am cheating on her)

her self-confidence is non-existent

she has really bad anxiety and cannot face any sort of confrontation without going silent or trying to redirect the conversation.

Sounds to me like she is not being completely honest with you.

My advice: Don't get pussy whooped, this relationship is fleeting at best.

[Jtbrig7390]

That's not the point. The GUY should know that it is wrong, not the young girl.


It seems a lot of you are going with this wasn't really abuse because she is OK with it. Put it in another context. If a woman is being physically abused by her spouse but refuses to do anything or state that he is doing any harm, does that make it ok?

The difference is there is harm in the physical abuse. You can't prove there is harm in this.

She said she is fine and ok thats it case closed. She was 13 like you said and at 13 you do know right from wrong. Also they didn't have sex until she was 17. Therefor the chance of abuse is slim to none.

Her life her choice and the only people who has a right to say anything is her parents and only at that time. She is a adult now and has accepted it and is ok with it. If there was abuse she is clearly past it.

So once again do not open old wounds if there is any. In truth you acting this way may keep her from telling you anything and can end with you two breaking up.

Only help if its asked for until then sit there and go mmhmm over and over.

[Deleted]

It seems a lot of you are going with this wasn't really abuse because she is OK with it.

This is exactly why it's not abuse.

[Deleted]

That's not the point. The GUY should know that it is wrong, not the young girl.


It seems a lot of you are going with this wasn't really abuse because she is OK with it. Put it in another context. If a woman is being physically abused by her spouse but refuses to do anything or state that he is doing any harm, does that make it ok?

Well sounds like your relationship is over because you can't let go of your partners previous consensual partner....

[rystrave]

There's a stigma that at 18 your an adult and will be considered a sexual predator if you are caught in a relationship with someone younger. I've been 18 and dated a 14 year old. I knew better, but he was hot, tall, and perfect everywhere else. In MY defense, I was still in high school, he was still in high school, we saw each other every day. This is probably the kind of situation your girlfriend was in as well.

[Thrif]

It seems a lot of you are going with this wasn't really abuse because she is OK with it. Put it in another context. If a woman is being physically abused by her spouse but refuses to do anything or state that he is doing any harm, does that make it ok?

No, and if you any shred of proof for this, it wouldn't have mattered what she said either. But the only thing you have to go on is your idea that she is lying to you, and you sound pretty emotional about the whole thing, thus not really being a reliable source.

[Xada]

Ehhh, he could have been grooming her, but I think you're getting worked up about a whole lot of nothing. Look, she's an adult now and it's not your job to solve all her problems for her. You're probably coming off way too clingy dude.

[callipygoustp]

The content of this websites forums leans way more to real world conversations then those of the game its based on, if you don't like it you basically need to crusade for this removal of off topic. It will never happen because people are real people and actually want to talk about real world stuff.

If people, truly, wanted to talk about this kind of subject matter in a meaningful way I have a hard time believing a general topic forum of a gaming website would be their go to audience.

Its a pretty giant leap of logic going from my negative view of posting this kind of content on a gaming site and me wanting the removal of off topic.

[Thrif]

There's a stigma that at 18 your an adult and will be considered a sexual predator if you are caught in a relationship with someone younger. I've been 18 and dated a 14 year old. I knew better, but he was hot, tall, and perfect everywhere else. In MY defense, I was still in high school, he was still in high school, we saw each other every day. This is probably the kind of situation your girlfriend was in as well.

I doubt many people would see a problem when the 13-14 year old person is a guy. Call it sexist, but that's just how it is.

[Deleted]

I'm pretty damn sure that if she was 13 and in a relationship with an 18 year old her parents would know about it. Do her parents seem like the type to let her date irresponsibly? While the situation may be classified as pedophilia, if they were having sex it would definitely be counted as such, but consider; there is only a 5 year difference. A 20yo dating a 25 yo is fine, but there is a limit, if the 20yo was dating a 15 yo, you are crossing that line of pedophilia.

I would say don't ever ask her 'Did he abuse you?' because you'll get nothing but shit for that if you're right or not because obviously she won't want to talk about that.

Her behaviour probably has absolutely nothing to do with this guy. I have intense social anxiety when it comes to talking to someone about something serious either face to face or on the phone, however when typing about things, as I am now, it's a huge displacer effect that I feel like it's not personal at all and therefore able to talk properly and in a good state of mind. And I would like to point out, this anxiety has nothing to do with ever being abused, I just had a couple bad instances on the phone and at school that makes it hard for me to talk to people about serious things.

[BuckSparkles]

Hey, this is quite a sensitive topic so excuse the new account, I want to keep this anonymous as I can. Also I realise this isn't the best forum for advice for such a topic however maybe others have been in the situation or know of it better than I.

So last night I was talking to my girlfriend and she was talking about her ex boyfriends. She had mentioned that she only had two before me, one was five years older and one was three. She then mentioned her she had her first boyfriend at thirteen and I made a joke saying I hope it wasn't the guy who was five years older than you then. Which she replied yes..... So she was 13 and he was 18. I lost it.

To me that is fucked up. No right minded 18 year old should be in a relationship with a 13 year old. To put in perspective, that is a college student with 7th/8th grader. Now, she did say that they never had sex until she was 17 because she knew she was too young, however when she was 13 they did kiss, hug, touch etc. (to what degree I don't know). By most definitions of what I can find a pedophile is someone with interest in children 13 or younger, so she technically falls into that category at the start of the relationship. From then I'm not sure what it falls under, but by definition, ANY sexual arousal from children at that age by an adult is seen as pedophilia.

Now the hard part. My girlfriend is now defending this guy. She says he is normal, a nice guy, they were more "friends", there is no way he would have been with another girl like that and that they still keep contact with each other. To me that sounds like the typical manipulative behavior of someone who is a sex offender. To me if feels like she is in denial over the whole thing, while displaying other traits that abuse survivors show such as having zero trust in relationships (she is unbelievably jealous of other girls and constantly thinks I am cheating on her), her self-confidence is non-existent (she is stunningly beautiful but thinks she is ugly and fat at a size 4), she has really bad anxiety and cannot face any sort of confrontation without going silent or trying to redirect the conversation.

I'm sort of lost with what to do. Am I over reacting to this or is this as messed up as I think?

I would break up with them. Seems too much baggage.

Also this forum is indeed a somewhat sour place to find advice, especially in regards to age differences as extreme as this....