Relationship being your life vs. Relationship being an addition to your life.

[Deleted]

What's your take on romantic relationships?
Do you see them as something your life revolves around? Or do you see it as an addition to your life.

I sometimes wonder if people that belong to the first group are setting themselves up for a lot of problems and pain later in life, when a relationship could end for whatever reason.
People that enjoy relationships but also see it as an addition to their life are often in a better spot in my personal opinion.

So my own take on it is the second option: I see it as an addition to my life. If this "pillar" in my life would fall, I would still stand.

[ItachiZaku]

I prefer having a consistent person to do everything and anything with. When I was younger, it was more tonight, not every night. Now, I prefer the familiarity of having the same person and i've found myself gravitating more towards those that might fit that profile. I don't need someone to complete me.

[Wyrt]

But what do you do if they are your life? Just sit around them all day? I don't understand.

[RenegadeXan]

Most people I see, it seems like it is their life, like without they they couldn't live.

[Spectral]

When dating, I would say it should be treated as an addition to life, but not the core of it.

When in a relationship that you're planning on being permanent, I think it's best to place that relationship at the core of your plans and intentions in life. This doesn't really take any focus for me, I naturally want the best for both my wife and I and these interests basically line up at all times. This may, at some point, involve one of us making career choices based on our locations, but the net effect of working as a pair makes us both better off than working in isolation.

I do not think someone that treats their spouse as an addition rather than a centerpiece to their life is as likely to have a successful marriage.

[Dug]

Problem I see with relationships where they become your everything is if it fails you alienated all your friends and previous relationships and now you're alone.

[The Whimsical Dwarf]

Relationships? Well, I guess it depends on the kind. If we're talking just fun dating then I think it's smart to keep yourself a bit guarded and have some semblance of self interest. If we're talking serious relationships and marriage then I think it needs to become a partnership. You need to think of the other person and put them before yourself and they should be doing the same for you. You become each others pillars. I think if you go into a marriage with self interest, splitting everything down the middle, you are setting it up for failure.

[Spectral]

Problem I see with relationships where they become your everything is if it fails you alienated all your friends and previous relationships and now you're alone.

This isn't really true. You can center your life around a spouse without isolating yourself from friends.

[jbombard]

Problem I see with relationships where they become your everything is if it fails you alienated all your friends and previous relationships and now you're alone.

Someone can mean the world to you, but that doesn't mean you have to give up all of your friends. Ideally it means you have twice as many friends hers and yours. I think if you view a partner as disposable, then chances are they also not going to give you the same kind of happiness as someone you deeply love would. Also I think it is hard to imagine what it is like to care for someone so deeply, until you meet the right person. Until I did my relationships were mostly disposable because I had never met someone that I truly loved.

[Ornerybear]

my wife means everything to me, but my life does not revolve around her, though I do not exclude her from any aspect of my life if she wants to be a part of it.

[Kathandira]

What's your take on romantic relationships?
Do you see them as something your life revolves around? Or do you see it as an addition to your life.

I sometimes wonder if people that belong to the first group are setting themselves up for a lot of problems and pain later in life, when a relationship could end for whatever reason.
People that enjoy relationships but also see it as an addition to their life are often in a better spot in my personal opinion.

So my own take on it is the second option: I see it as an addition to my life. If this "pillar" in my life would fall, I would still stand.

I value a certain level of independence. I believe a relationship is an addition to ones life, not what your life revolves around. I conditioned my gf to understand that if anything were to happen between us, I want us both to end on even ground. I see to often people having troubles in their relationship, or a tragic sudden end, and someone ends up suffering, either financially or socially. I live my life, and I ncourage her to live hers. Out time together is cherished, but I don't want her to be an extension of me. I like to go out on my own, and do my own thing sometimes.

But with this, we also trust each other completely. I have no worries that she is out seeking other men, and she has no worries about me either.

[Dug]

This isn't really true. You can center your life around a spouse without isolating yourself from friends.

Oh I know that you can but some people fail to do so is all I'm saying. I've had friends that will fall off the face of the map and its just annoying when you were actually really good friends and they can't even be bothered to send you a message every now and then.

[A Chozo]

Addition.

But a damn-important addition. Respect it.

[Kathandira]

my wife means everything to me, but my life does not revolve around her, though I do not exclude her from any aspect of my life if she wants to be a part of it.

Indeed. I believe this is a healthy way to lead a relationship.

[Endus]

This isn't really true. You can center your life around a spouse without isolating yourself from friends.

Someone can mean the world to you, but that doesn't mean you have to give up all of your friends. Ideally it means you have twice as many friends hers and yours. I think if you view a partner as disposable, then chances are they also not going to give you the same kind of happiness as someone you deeply love would. Also I think it is hard to imagine what it is like to care for someone so deeply, until you meet the right person. Until I did my relationships were mostly disposable because I had never met someone that I truly loved.

The question was between "probably the single most important addition to your life" and "the focus of everything that you do". You guys seem to not be referring to relationships which are the latter, at all.

Speaking as someone who went down that latter road with my then-wife, it's a bad fucking idea. It's a lack of balance; you're subsuming your own self into the relationship in ways that aren't healthy. And if things go south, for whatever reason, you're going to have nothing to fall back on. I fell out of touch with most of my friends over the course of my marriage, because my then-wife just "didn't like hanging out with them", and I made that decision (I'm not blaming her; it was my stupid choice) because that relationship was my everything. While it obviously didn't work out for me (or I wouldn't be using "then-wife"), even if it had, I was putting way too much focus onto that relationship, and it wasn't healthy. I won't make the same mistake again.

That doesn't mean I won't fall head over heels for someone. It just means that I'm going to expect them to love me for me, and if that means they don't like my friends or my hobbies or the like, they're out. Because those things are part of me, and they aren't in love with me, they're in love with who they think they can turn me into, and that's not love. That's how my marriage fell apart.

Doesn't mean I won't make compromises where necessary; I'm talking about things like "not raiding 4 nights a week any more", not "giving up video games to spend more time with her".

[Poppincaps]

An addition until you have kids in which case your relationship and family should be priority number 1. That is the point in which your life is no longer about you.

Being an addition isn't a bad thing though. It just means I'm not willing to sacrifice my life (social not physical) for someone else. I'm willing to compromise but not to sacrifice.

[Deleted]

I pity people who treat relationships as something disposable/additional. What a lonely existence it must be.

That's not the way I ment it, as being disposable.

If a relationship is an addition in your life, it can be as important as you want it to be and you can be just as loving.
It's just not the center of your life, which imo is very unhealthy.

[Deleted]

I am someone that can get quite lost in a relationship, doing way my best to make it work. Those relationships all failed.

Now I have a girlfriend where everything is just perfect with. I feel like she's my soulmate. I can be 140% myself around her and it really doesn't even matter what we do, its just always fun and nice with her, I can bring her to the bar im always in, let her listen to the music i make etc.

I do however find it hard to balance it with my personal life. When its possible im always with her and a good friend of mine misses the time spend alone with him. But to be honest, everything I can do with them I can also do with my girlfriend, even talk about hot girls xD Also I'm studying music and while I still make enough time for my homework I have way less time for practising and for my own projects.

Nice topic, cheers

TLDR: She's my life ánd an addition to my life. I can still be happy without her so she is an added bonus but now almost always when i go out it's with her

Any tips?

[Forgettable]

It's an addition. It's nice to have, but your life should (and mine will) go on if you don't have a relationship.

[Kathandira]

I am someone that can get quite lost in a relationship, doing way my best to make it work. Those relationships all failed.

Now I have a girlfriend where everything is just perfect with. I feel like she's my soulmate. I can be 140% myself around her and it really doesn't even matter what we do, its just always fun and nice with her, I can bring her to the bar im always in, let her listen to the music i make etc.

I do however find it hard to balance it with my personal life. When its possible im always with her and a good friend of mine misses the time spend alone with him. But to be honest, everything I can do with them I can also do with my girlfriend, even talk about hot girls xD Also I'm studying music and while I still make enough time for my homework I have way less time for practising and for my own projects.

Nice topic, cheers

TLDR: She's my life ánd an addition to my life. I can still be happy without her so she is an added bonus but now almost always when i go out it's with her

Any tips?

Simply invite your friends over. Even if you are still with her, your friends are included as well. Have them hang out with you while you practice. I too am a musician, and fortunately so it one of my best friends. He will come over and we jam together, or he just hangs and plays Xbox while I practice. My g/f played a little clarinet in highschool, but isn't as musically educated as my buddy is, so it is something he can offer me that she cannot.

even if your friend can't offer anything that your gf does, he can maybe offer you more of the same, which is never a bad thing.