Roommate is cheating with a married man; none of my business?

[Michaelmc454]

Not in my world it isnt. Where do you draw the line for being a slut? Having sex one time? With three different people? 17? 30? What criteria does this roomie meets that gets her entitled slut? Being single and sleeping with a married man? I wonder what you would call a man like that if thats make the single girl a slut.

You call him a slut too, quite simple really. I mean I know I myself have been a whore, and I won't deny it. Best I can do is accept it and move on or change it if I don't like the connotation. Now sure you can argue that they shouldn't have to change to fit other people's thought, but guess what the people labeling shouldn't have to change because of someone's thoughts either if you wanna go that argument. "Oh but their feelings were hurt. People shouldn't be mean, etc etc." Fact is you're gonna run into someone in life that disagrees with you or says something you don't like. So either learn to accept yourself as yourself and not care what others think or well you're in for a rude awakening in this thing called life.

[flyspyro]

Reading a few last pages... Is now everyone who doesn't follow the Christian standards of monogamous marriage called "slut"? I'd think people would be a bit more open-minded in 2016.

I'm not a religious person. if you don't want a monogamous relationship then don't. Just have the decency to let your partners know the type of person you are and don't homewreak someone elses relationship.

[May90]

And thats not Poly.... poly is everyone sleeps with everyone and they all agree that its ok. Until one person doesnt... then its no longer poly. see the problem with sciencing everything?

I've always thought that poly simply referred to a relationship involving more than 2 people. You can still cheat in a poly-relationship: for example, two girls and one guy are in relationship with each other, but if one of them sleeps on the side without telling others, that's still cheating. Or am I wrong?

"Everyone sleeps with everyone and everyone is okay" sounds more like an open relationship.

I'm not a religious person. if you don't want a monogamous relationship then don't. Just have the decency to let your partners know the type of person you are and don't homewreak someone elses relationship.

I agree. It's just that some people seem to think that every non-monogamous relationship is somehow inherently wrong, and that puzzles me.

[Celista]

Yeah, it is definitely a messy situation. I probably would get involved if she is "your best friend". Actually I think you are involved and are already making it your business - and now you have 11 pages of replies to chew over.

Well I'm involved in the sense that she's my roommate, she talks to me about the relationship and he comes by the apartment. Beyond that? I don't know.

I do have a lot of replies to chew over.

[Yvaelle]

Thanks, Yvaelle! I appreciate your insight, especially from a poly perspective.

NP

Yeah, that is definitely how I thought polyamorous relationships worked.

I've seen people try it - but the only couple I ever met who truly had carte blanche without prior consent were like almost 70 I would say (no, I didn't sleep with either of them!). They were reformed hippies - and were still living with that free spirit mentality of that age - but I always got the impression that even there: they probably told each other everything in verbose detail afterward. For them, they could each do whatever they wanted - but nothing about it was allowed to be secret.

I've heard of pre-approved carte blanche weekends - "Hey honey, I'm going to Vegas to sleep with all the escorts!" "Okay sweetie, say Hi to Sunny Lane for me!" - I've heard of pre-approved date hookups, "Hey sweetie, I'm headed out to on that Tinder date we looked at now - don't wait up!" "Okay honey, take lots of video for me!" - but most successful monogamous relationships I've ever known have involved everyone meeting beforehand, consenting, stating terms - etc.

Every other variety of, "I'm sleeping with someone in a relationship, and I've never had a frank and honest conversation about it with their SO, in advance" - has been a font of drama, and a shower of tears.

Consent is the key.

[Attackrabbit]

Is the man married to you or are they and their wife good friends of yours? If not then it's not really any of your business.

[alexw]

Yeah, we'll see. Hopefully. If he's going to jack the rent up enormously then I might be moving, although I'd prefer not to. We shall see what happens.

If you are a good tenant I doubt he will. It costs money time and hassle to find new tenants and voids are a big big cost. I don't know what your plans are but if you are happy renting that apartment for the long term (3 years+), let your landlord know that you are thinking of staying for a good few years IF the rent is fixed to inflation or similar. A decent landlord will value the certainty of having a long-term tenant that they know will pay the rent and won't skip out or wreck the place, and won't in the short term land them with the costs/hassle of finding new decent tenants.

Oh and its very very important to let him know this. Take the initiative so you get to set the direction of the conversation.

[Yvaelle]

I've always thought that poly simply referred to a relationship involving more than 2 people. You can still cheat in a poly-relationship: for example, two girls and one guy are in relationship with each other, but if one of them sleeps on the side without telling others, that's still cheating. Or am I wrong?

Correct.

"Everyone sleeps with everyone and everyone is okay" sounds more like an open relationship.

In my experience, those don't really exist in the long term (some rare exceptions may apply).

[Qlix]

I've always thought that poly simply referred to a relationship involving more than 2 people. You can still cheat in a poly-relationship: for example, two girls and one guy are in relationship with each other, but if one of them sleeps on the side without telling others, that's still cheating. Or am I wrong?

"Everyone sleeps with everyone and everyone is okay" sounds more like an open relationship.

"the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships involving more than two people, with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved" - Wiki

by "everyone" I meant everyone within the confines of the relationship. The key is consent, knowledge, and commitment. Every poly couple (or group - since its usually more than 2 people in the relationship) I know would consider it cheating for one of them to find it outside of the circle.

[zenkai]

When I was 18-19 and had roommates, I wish the worse problem I had with them was that they were home wreckers, count yourself lucky, I kept getting ones who couldn't hold a job. My last roommate one stole my valuables and good clothes and skipped town. At least I got his bedroom furniture...

[Annoying]

Your roommate isn't cheating, though. You can only cheat on someone if you agreed not to have relations with anyone else, which she didn't. The man she's sleeping with is cheating on his wife because he agreed to not have relations with anyone but his wife. Your roommate made no such agreement.

That being said, it's still OK for you to be uncomfortable with the situation. I think Yvaelle's advice is about what I'd offer short of the first point for the above reasons.

[Rooflesstoofless]

The guy (and his wife, I believe) was also called "poly in the OP. Please somebody call him a slut and worse

Again..why is nobody judging the MARRIED guy?

I read as far as "She identifies as poly" or whatever. The rest of it I could care less about.

[Noradin]

In my experience, those don't really exist in the long term (some rare exceptions may apply).

Depends really, I know a lot of those.

[Spectral]

The guy (and his wife, I believe) was also called "poly in the OP. Please somebody call him a slut and worse

Again..why is nobody judging the MARRIED guy?

He's not the relevant piece of the discussion - Celista doesn't live with him.

He is a dirtbag though. The information we have makes him seem like trash.

[Spectral]

Well, in all fairness it is about "Should I make it my business" - not about "Do you think she is morally questionable and / or a slut". So you are already getting further than what Celista asked...but only as far as judging the girl.

The moral rectitude of her roommate is relevant to her interests. This is pretty obvious. Knock of the lame whining about double standards.

[Oneirophobia]

It sounds to me like this dude is a huge piece of garbage.

--> He works part time for a living and sponges off a lady making 6 figs. I mean, whatever, that would be fine, if the following weren't true as well;
--> He appears to be staying with his wife for her money as he clearly has zero respect for her
--> He talks mad shit about his wife behind her back to strange women he's cheating with
--> He's clearly a complete liar

Is he spending his wife's money on your room mate? Very likely situation. Is that one of the main reasons your room mate likes him so much? Is it a reason she wants to move into a bigger place?

This is both not your business AND your business at the same time. It currently is having no impact on you other than colouring your opinion of your idiot room mate, which for the time being is supposedly manageable.

However, if that guy's wife flies off the deep end, who knows. You and your things could be caught in the crossfire. She may see you as responsible as well because you said nothing. I suspect the guy's wife is probably a reasonable person and he makes shit up about her to keep your room mate / other women he cheats with feeling sorry for him. He's a guilt tripper. I hope your room mate uses protection.

Honestly, I'm not sure what to tell you. It is practically impossible to convince someone in your room mate's position that the guy they're getting porked by is a total douche and only using her for some easy, gullible side dish. He has as much respect for her as he does for his wife and I can guarantee he talks shit about your room mate to his wife (when necessary) the same way he talks shit about his wife to your room mate. I have an unfortunately colossal amount of experience with people like this, and it basically boils down to them being sociopaths. Are they dangerous? No, but they certainly get everyone in their vicinity wrapped up in their narcissistic ego-fueled soap operas. Nothing matters to people like this but their own wants. As long as they get theirs, other people don't even cross their minds unless they can be a tool for yet another purpose.

I think you should sit your room mate down and tell her you care about her, you care about your feelings, and the guy she is seeing is using her just like he's using his wife. He has zero intentions to make your room mate happy, he has zero intentions to leave his wife, and the long term disappointment, anguish and possible disputes with a rich wife are very much not worth the booty calls from this piece of trash. Tell her you support her regardless, but you're surprised and disappointed that someone you held in high regard is willing to make such foolish decisions.

Hopefully it at least gets your room mate to think a little.

Good luck!

[TheTaurenOrc]

Only it's not the same thing. Poly is a thing where you can be in a committed relationship while also having sex on the side, and everyone involved is aware. "Slut" just means you have a bunch of sexual partners, and there are no rules for whether or not everyone has to know about everyone else.

That's exactly the same thing. Man you bought it all hook line and sinker. What are the "rules" for poly, being open about it with consent? How is that mutually exclusive from being an known slut?

And committed relationship, don't make me laugh! Poly is everything but commitment.

[Deleted]

It definitely seems like it. It also seems like my roommate is in love with him.

Love can make fools of us all.

[Inay]

How this affects your living arrangements? I don't see any reason to "do" something about it. Your roommates relationships are hardly your business if its not causing problems in your apartment or to you.
Like of course you can say your opinion about the affair if it comes up but I don't see why you couldn't live with her if she is otherwise decent person. Drama can come up in any relationships so I don't think that is strong argument.
I would understand this bothering you much more if you would be close friends with all parties.
I could live with my friends that are cheating even though I despise cheating myself but everybody has flaws and who are you to judge if it doesn't actually affect you.

[Spectral]

I could live with my friends that are cheating even though I despise cheating myself but everybody has flaws and who are you to judge if it doesn't actually affect you.

This really is pretty ridiculous. It's one thing to tolerate a friend's flaws, it's another altogether to shrug and say, "hey, I can't judge". Sure I can! And shit, if I were engaging in self-destructive behavior, I would want my friends to judge a little and point it out to me instead of fastidiously avoiding judgment.