“Just tell them you have a boyfriend.”

[Independent voter]

If a girl asks your advice on how to keep aggressive dudes at bay, what do you tell them?

I say, "tell them you have a boyfriend" Get a ring or something.



https://medium.com/code-like-a-girl/...68a#.xkz6celtx

That’s the advice from a prominent thought leader in tech to women suffering from harassment at tech events. “Just make it clear you’re in a relationship.”
Wow. Way to put all of the responsibility back on the people reporting the harassment.
Tips like “just say you’re in a relationship” are dangerous because it implies the blame is with the victim, not with the transgressor. To me, it is akin to saying “well she was asking for it because of how she was dressed.”
Thank god I recently got engaged, otherwise all I’d have to look forward to is harassment at tech events.
But seriously, what about women who are single? Do you expect them to lie, or are they just defenseless?
“Just say you’re in a relationship” comes from a privileged state of mind. It comes from a state of indifference.
We don’t need silly rules, we need compassion in tech.
Compassion is what lets me understand that even though I have never been harassed at a tech event, it doesn’t mean it is not a very real problem women face. It doesn’t mean many of my closest friends and colleagues have not experienced harassment at a tech event.
Indifference is the state of mind that allows people to minimize the issue and dismiss it with silly tips like “just say you’re in a relationship, NBD.”
Probably the more anger-inducing “tip” in the article is “don’t assume they’re hitting on you.” Because women shouldn’t trust their intuition? Again, this “tip” is not coming from a place of compassion, but from a state of dismissal.
This is what happens when you don’t trust your intuition. A woman recalls an attempt by a man to try to get her number during a Lyft Line ride in NYC:
I really thought I had made my disinterest clear, but here was a third party observer, convinced he was witnessing a mutual courtship. Apparently begrudgingly answering an extremely talkative stranger’s questions while trapped in an enclosed space is the same thing as wanting to spend time with them on purpose.
As evidenced in that woman’s story, even when you make disinterest clear, there can still be misunderstanding or an unwillingness to take no for an answer. Should she also not have assumed she was not being hit on?
So here are my tips:
Be compassionate: just because your experience is different, it doesn’t mean the experiences of others are less valid or not real.
Be compassionate: tactics that work for you may not work for everybody.
Be compassionate: don’t blame the victims or those reporting negative behavior.

[Jotaux]

Just tell them you thought they were gay.

[Kronik85]

Hey look another topic designed to create faux outrage at women. BRB making popcorn.

[Deleted]

People need help with coming up with excuses?

That's new.

[Lucky Fable]

The advice to women should be to show just as much aggression as you are shown back. Women aren't victims, and they can stand up for themselves just fine. If someone is harassing you: Tell them to fuck off.

Here is the thing.

They can't. I will never be as strong as a man and provoking a violent response will end extremely badly for me.

[GrinningMan]

The advice to women should be to show just as much aggression as you are shown back. Women aren't victims, and they can stand up for themselves just fine. If someone is harassing you: Tell them to fuck off.

B-bubut that could lead to CONFLICT and DRAMA.

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Here is the thing.

They can't. I will never be as strong as a man and provoking a violent response will end extremely badly for me.

'extremely badly'

Oh, big woop, you get a black eye and then turn around and sue his ass for everything he'll ever have.

[Flurryfang]

Well aint this a shit storm xD I think that the guy, who gave the advice, did not mean it in the way, that the writer shouts about. He proberly said this in a way like "The people, who are harrasing you, are idiots, but if you want to do something yourself to stop this, you can maybe get a ring or tell them that you have a boyfriend. This does not excuse anything, but it gives you a defense tool".

The writer is a complete jackass, for blowing a simple piece of advice into a a thing of patriarchy.

[GrinningMan]

Well aint this a shit storm xD I think that the guy, who gave the advice, did not mean it in the way, that the writer shouts about. He proberly said this in a way like "The people, who are harrasing you, are idiots, but if you want to do something yourself to stop this, you can maybe get a ring or tell them that you have a boyfriend. This does not excuse anything, but it gives you a defense tool".

The writer is a complete jackass, for blowing a simple piece of advice into a a thing of patriarchy.

Gotta get those tumblr-points, ya know. Website hits are website hits.

[Unholyground]

The advice to women should be to show just as much aggression as you are shown back. Women aren't victims, and they can stand up for themselves just fine. If someone is harassing you: Tell them to fuck off.

This is the real answer!

[Dextroden]

So the answer is to not stand up to anyone who could physically overpower you?

Definitely not men. We're all roid raging gorillas that will rip a woman in half if they don't want to date.

[Zogarth]

If you are getting "harassed" saying you have a partner should not do shit. If you are getting (possibly by someone who suck at it) flirted with, it sure would deter the person. Saying "I have a boyfriend/girlfriend" is just another way of saying "I am not interested".

[Lucky Fable]

So the answer is to not stand up to anyone who could physically overpower you?

It isn't warranted nor wise. If he keeps being pushy after you tell him your not interested taunting him isn't going to help the situation. Simply saying you have a boyfriend is far easier.

[Flurryfang]

Gotta get those tumblr-points, ya know. Website hits are website hits.

Indeed. Just sad, that somebody has to get shouted at, just because somebody has a feminist agenda.

[Justpassing]

B-but...the implication! D:

[GrinningMan]

Indeed. Just sad, that somebody has to get shouted at, just because somebody has a feminist agenda.

Remember when they didn't have a central website with links to social media, and you could pretty much pretend they didn't exist?

It was a better time, for everyone. People didn't even think about oppression.

[Lucky Fable]

So say that if you want. I'm addressing the article in question though.

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Hashtag deep.

o it is a tech event? I thought it was the bar..... who gets hit on a tech event it is mostly listening to public speakers...

Never mind this screams more of someone crying wolf. They have been trying to stir up trouble in tech ever since gg lite up their asses

[Katchii]

You're not going to solve the worlds "aggressor" problem in some random 1-on-1 situation at some random event, and frankly most people don't care...they just want the person to leave them alone.

While the world (and the people in it) is changing, you still have to deal with how it is NOW...not how it's going to be 1,2 or 20 years from now, and right now there are aggressive assholes who you just want to leave you alone.

If you are getting "harassed" saying you have a partner should not do shit. If you are getting (possibly by someone who suck at it) flirted with, it sure would deter the person.

Also, this^

[PassingBy]

Why is telling that you are not interested not an option?
And then telling the dude to fuck off, if he keeps insisting.

And what kind of harrassment can happen at a "tech" event?
Some geeky computer guy asking you out, sweating and stuttering?

Or the same geeky computer guy getting drunk and brave and saying you've got a nice ass?

Yeah, no way you can ever expect someone to live through that much harrassment.

[oxymoronic]

Hey look another topic designed to create faux outrage at women. BRB making popcorn.

you mean men right?

[Jotaux]

And what kind of harrassment can happen at a "tech" event?

Well one time someone made a joke to a friend about dongles and a random woman happen to overhear. That guy lost his job.