Share your most horrific tales of bodily function woe.

[Champagne Supernova]

Enduring several hours of Testicular Torsion at age 12 because of my parents not wanting to take me to A+E at the possibility that it could be nothing. 3 Hours pass and they give in. Was operated on almost immediately and still have my left testicle today thankfully. Apparently it was twisted more than 180 degrees which I'm sure most guys are cringing at that fact.

[muto]

Outside of actually being sick where I've had diarrhea and vomited off and on the entire day. It would have to be those sneaky sharts.

[Vizardlorde]

Erection in gym class on my freshman year of hs followed by public embarassment.

Ugh if we are talking about shits every time i go out with a particular friend she ends up waiting outside the bathroom cause I always get food poisoning. First the theater watching a play then the movie theater watching supetman a concert etc.

[Graeham]

Dude Are you a redhead by any chance?

Nope. I'm not.

[Stonecloak]

My rollerblades basically saved me from a sad afternoon fate. Skated about a half mile, then through my house into the bathroom just in time. The culprit...Ultra slim fast. I just wanted to taste it.

[Zethras]

Enduring several hours of Testicular Torsion at age 12 because of my parents not wanting to take me to A+E at the possibility that it could be nothing. 3 Hours pass and they give in. Was operated on almost immediately and still have my left testicle today thankfully. Apparently it was twisted more than 180 degrees which I'm sure most guys are cringing at that fact.

Nope.

Nope Nope Nope Nope Nope Nope Nope Nope Nope Nope Nope Nope Nope Nope Nope Nope Nope Nope Nope Nope Nope Nope Nope Nope Nope Nope Nope.

On topic, this might not be strictly “bodily function woes” but it’s close enough.

One day when I was around 12, I was roller blading down a hill, and, not watching, I hit a pothole. I slid down for about 20 feet on my knees and elbows on hot asphalt. I felt exactly zero pain for the entire slow, awkward climb back up to my house, and the instant I stumbled indoors, I remember a flash of searing pain, almost like I was being fired upon by a flamethrower, and promptly passed out. Woke up in the hospital, my knees and elbows were (apparently, couldn’t tell because bandages) completely bare of flesh.

Moral of the story, being in shock sucks, especially when it wears off.

[Deleted]

In a thread where many people admit to shitting themselves, twisting testicles, and having their lady bits malfunction with not a hint of shame, I feel two people have misjudged this confessional and found it appropriate to share that they own rollerblades! There are other places on the internet for that kind of perversion.

[Mjolnir84]

Between 2001 and 2005 I had dislocated my left kneecap five times. Each time wasn't a full dislocation, it would pop back out and then pop back in. Due to the way my MCL and LCL were healing, one was acting almost like a bowstring and making it easier and easier for the kneecap to pop into the other direction. Ended up getting surgery to repair it. That alone was a kinda gruesome mental image to have.

Last year at work out of nowhere that knee started hurting like a mother, and swelling. I was completely unable to walk unless i didn't bend the knee at all. I soon discovered that if i pressed my kneecap down, i was able to actually bend at the knee. So in one swift motion, I pushed my kneecap down and jerked my leg back, felt and heard a pop, and within 5 minutes all pain was gone. And that was the first time I relocated a dislocated kneecap by myself and kept working.

[Stonecloak]

In a thread where many people admit to shitting themselves, twisting testicles, and having their lady bits malfunction with not a hint of shame, I feel two people have misjudged this confessional and found it appropriate to share that they own rollerblades! There are other places on the internet for that kind of perversion.

Don't even get me started I LOVED those things, besides saving me from public humiliation in soiling myself. It got me around quicker, I played hockey in them, I got probably 100% more candy on Halloween. Could skate away from dangerous situations. Makes me want to skate again.

[Gib Lover]

I went to our local mexican food chain and got the same thing I always get, a bean cheese and shredded beef burrito.
I go over to my friends house to hang out and play videogames. I start to feel a rumbly in my tumbly. I go to his bathroom, to discover there is no door. I don't remember why there suddenly wasn't a door, all that is important is there wasn't one. Whatever, no big deal it'll just be a quick grump-squeeze. My body recognizes that I am approaching a toilet and starts to loosen up, suddenly I can feel what was about to happen. In a panic I got my pants down, and as soon as my ass touched the seat I exploded. It was the first, and so far only, time I sprayed the front of the bowl as well. It just kept coming and coming, I could hear it slamming against the porcelain when it would start up again while the bowl was empty mid-flush. I kept thinking it was over and would start to wipe the most horrid wipes of my life. Just when I would think I had cleaned up sufficiently, it would come rocketing out again. My friend's dog was a real trooper, she kept me company the entire time.
Finally, it was over. My ass felt like it had ran a marathon barefoot on asphalt in 120 degree weather. I walked out and my friend and his roommate were just staring at me, they had opened the back door to try and circulate the air. I picked up my things and went home.
To this day, it is the worst shit I have ever taken in my life.

[kaid]

I am prone to weird cystic acne aka really giant zits with no access to the surface of the skin. Most of the time they just go away on their own but I had one on my neck that got to about walnut size before I said enough and begged mom to just take me to the doctor so they could lance it or give me anti biotics or something. They finally did the doc took one look and was like that has to go so they numb it up a bit have me lay back and he gets his scalpel to lance it. He forgot the first rule in this sort of thing is wear eye protection. He got a full blast of high velocity pus right to the eye the second he poked the tip of his scalpel in. Needless to say he was in quite a bit of discomfort and had to have the nurse finish up as he was busy washing his eyes/face off so he could see clearly again.

So fun tip always put the blast shield down before unleashing the kraken of acne.

[I Push Buttons]

Probably a week and a half of diarrhea and horrible stomach pain once. No clue what it was because I didn't go to the doctor.

After the first day I didn't eat anything for about ten days, at all. So most of my diarrhea was just spurting water/mucus out my ass.

On a positive note, I lost about 12 pounds in that time and after a day or two of "fasting" I genuinely had no appetite whatsoever, so its not like I was miserable (apart from the diarrhea) and starving... I didn't even feel like eating that whole time and actually felt pretty good at the end.

[Raptor With a Saber]

So stressed that for a while i was unable to poop. Got kolopin from my therapist and after taking 2 i was so relaxed i ended up shitting myself infront of my hubby.

[Deleted]

I like my Pizza crusty, but one time I way over did it. I made it as strong as concrete, but it didn't bother me eating it.

Problem was hours later when I couldn't digest it. It may souns like a simple thing, but at that time I wasn't aware it was the pizza, I thought I was having a heart attack, I couldn't breath, my chest hurt like there was an alien coming out, my left arm hurt like I broke it ... thankfully I tried sticking fingers into my mouth, I puked like they puke in movies, huge straight stream of puke pouring out of me for about 10 seconds. Let me tell you, after I puked all of it out I felt like I was in heaven.

[Rend Blackhand]

Boner in school, right as the bell goes and we were dismissed.

[Miyagie]

I have a pretty high threshold for pain which - for those who know me - means that something is seriously wrong when I state that something hurts. A few years back I became aware of a sharp pain in the right side of my stomach. It came out of nowhere and wouldn't cease. I decided to try and sleep it off, tossing and turning through the night. The next day I felt even worse. I had a fever and the sharp pain had been joined with a constant throbbing sensation. My mum was understandably worried and took me to the hospital.

I waited for a few hours to be seen, I was examined and despite me stating that I couldn't shake the feeling that something was seriously wrong the doctor brushed it off as a stomach bug. By that point I was throwing up periodically, unable to keep anything down. I was given anti-sickness tablets and sent home. That evening I threw up even with the anti-sickness tablets and passed out as the pain from my side grew unbearable.

I was rushed to the hospital again. This time at midnight. The second doctor was quick to diagnose me - stating that my appendix was very close to bursting and that I'd need an emergency operation. I was warned that it might not succeed without complications. My mum was terrified. I was put to sleep and operated on. When I woke up my mum was standing over me and crying. The surgeons had repeatedly tried and failed to wake me up but I'd had an allergic reaction to the chemicals pumped into me...in addition to being super weak by having a close-to-bursting appendix cut out.

I vaguely remember my mother's voice calling to me...and then waking up. For a few hours after that I was in a complete daze - especially since I had a device stuck in my arm that allowed me to pump a regulated amount of morphine into my system whenever the pain got too unbearable. I was recovering in the hospital for about...five days, I think. I remember begging a doctor to let me go home to recover - though I wasn't allowed to move much due to the stitches holding my flesh together. Due to how intense the operation was the cut into me was bigger than usual - so the scar, too, is slightly bigger than expected. Luckily it has faded considerably over time though.

TLDR version: My appendix almost burst and then I had an allergic reaction on the operating table. High pain thresholds are also pretty dangerous.

Same happen to me but a bit worse my guts started to strangel my other organs and the allergic reaction was setting my pulse to 230.

[Paula Deen]

Consciousness

[abracmike]

Severe congestion due to allergies (despite taking meds to counteract it).
That lead to too much snot backdrip which irritated my stomach.
That in turn lead to vomiting to clear the irritation.
The mean part of that, I hiccuped in the process of upchucking, getting a mild case of acid burnt vocal chords for a week or so.

[Deleted]

Severe congestion due to allergies (despite taking meds to counteract it).
That lead to too much snot backdrip which irritated my stomach.
That in turn lead to vomiting to clear the irritation.
The mean part of that, I hiccuped in the process of upchucking, getting a mild case of acid burnt vocal chords for a week or so.

I once did something similar when very, very, drunk and throwing up. The hiccup somehow got the vomitus right up in my nasal passage and I swear I could smell puke for a week. It burnt like a mo'fo too.

[IIamaKing]

Shart at the movies.