Dissolve Illinois

[Damajin]

This article draws lots of comparisons with that shit stain of a once bountiful nation Venezuela, and for good reason: All the money is gone.

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/c...20-column.html

Column: What to do with a broken Illinois: Dissolve the Land of Lincoln

Illinois is like Venezuela now, a fiscally broken state that has lost its will to live, although for the moment, we still have enough toilet paper.

But before we run out of the essentials, let's finally admit that after decade upon decade of taxing and spending and borrowing, Illinois has finally run out of other people's money.

Those "other people" include taxpayers who've abandoned the state. And now Illinois faces doomsday.

So as the politicians meet in Springfield this week for another round of posturing and gesturing and blaming, we need a plan.

And here it is:

Dissolve Illinois. Decommission the state, tear up the charter, whatever the legal mumbo-jumbo, just end the whole dang thing.

We just disappear. With no pain. That's right. You heard me.

The best thing to do is to break Illinois into pieces right now. Just wipe us off the map. Cut us out of America's heartland and let neighboring states carve us up and take the best chunks for themselves.

The group that will scream the loudest is the state's political class, who did this to us, and the big bond creditors, who are whispering talk of bankruptcy and asset forfeiture to save their own skins.



But our beloved Illinois has proved that it just doesn't deserve to survive.

So why not let our friendly neighbors like Indiana, Wisconsin, Iowa, Missouri and Kentucky just take the parts they want?

As you can see by the excellent "Kevorkian Illinois" map that accompanies this column, this plan is visionary.

The alternative is hell. Illinois hasn't had a state budget for years. The state continues to spend money it doesn't have, and the state's credit ratings have dropped, increasing the cost of borrowing more money we don't have to keep the rotten shebang going.

Bills pile up; Moody's Investor Service says taxpayers are on the hook for $251 billion in unfunded public union pension liabilities.

Boss Mike Madigan, king of the Democrats who control things, wants tax increases but no real structural reform to bring stability to The Venezuela of the Midwest.

And the whispers of bankruptcy won't help the average (remaining) taxpaying chumbolones like you and me who don't want to leave our homes but who'll get stuck with the bills.

Since our neighboring states are doing better, taking Illinois jobs and businesses and Illinois workers and taxpaying families, they might as well just take the rest of Illinois, too, dammit.

Wisconsin can have Chicago and begin calling it "South Milwaukee."

Naturally, Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel will fight this. He needs a job. And he'll most likely beg his friends at The New York Times and the Washington Post to write angry editorials to save him. And these will be full of concern for the republic and those dispossessed Midwestern salt-of-the-earth taxpaying Americans, as if.

Sadly, Wisconsin probably won't want Rahm, either. So to spare hurt feelings, I propose carving out 40 acres around the mayor's home so Rahm might be prince of his own country:

Rahmonia.

And Cook County Board President Toni "Taxwinkle" Preckwinkle will fight it, too, so she needs something to soothe her ambitions:

A grant of land as large as a case of the soda pop she taxes, so that she might stand on it and proclaim herself Queen of Taxwinkletopia.

If there are portions of Illinois that the other states don't want, they may be left as federal territory, a wilderness where only the strong survive and peasants and friendly propagandists kneel and beg for crumbs. You already know the name of this wasteland:

Madiganistan.

And in return for taking care of our politicians, Wisconsin will probably demand assets. Like the Milwaukee Cubs. The Beloit Blackhawks. The Sheboygan Bulls and the Fond du Lac Bears.

Indiana may want a large curvy slice of the former Illinois, so the state will be shaped more like a basketball. This will please Hoosiers to no end.

And Indiana also gets the Indianapolis White Sox and the hottest soccer team in America, the Indianapolis Fire.

Why not? Indiana is a great state, with friendly people and Mitch Daniels and Kilroy's in Bloomington.

Iowa can have part of the west. Missouri may also get a small piece. Kentucky can take southern Illinois, considering many on both sides of the border share Kentucky DNA, as did Abraham Lincoln.

A colleague told me he had reservations about sharing Illinois with the Bluegrass State.

"I wouldn't give Kentucky anything because A) it's the South and the former Illinois needs to stay in the Midwest, and B) their state government is a mess, too, with a governor who refuses to talk to certain reporters."

But beggars can't be choosers. If Illinois is dissolved as planned, we won't have a say in anything.

And though some in Kentucky might not respect "the media," the state does have excellent bourbon. I would allow Kentucky to send me countless barrels of its fine sipping spirit so that I might hold it in escrow, to make sure everything goes as planned.

I promise to sip their bourbon and light a cigar, and hum a few sad bars from that song of the former Illinois that no one sings anymore:

By thy rivers gently flowing, Illinois, Illinois

O'er thy prairies verdant growing, Illinois, Illinois

Comes an echo on the breeze, rustling through the leafy trees, Boss Madigan has us on our knees, Illinois, Illinois

Boss Madigan has us on our knees, Illinois.

This has happened in smaller municipalities before but it'd be pretty amazing to see it happen to an entire state. Perhaps Puerto Rico can be a state after all.

[Sunseeker]

Noone is going to dissolve Illinois. Noone is going to break up California. Texas will never leave the Union.

Are we done here?

[Yvaelle]

Noone is going to dissolve Illinois. Noone is going to break up California. Texas will never leave the Union.

Are we done here?

San Andreas disagrees

[Santti]

Noone is going to dissolve Illinois. Noone is going to break up California. Texas will never leave the Union.

Are we done here?

[Raptor With a Saber]

I refuse to become part of that cheesy state.

[Gemini Soul]

Wisconsin wouldn't want Chicago with all of its shootings.

[Jeezy911]

I live in Illinois and it is crap, more crap to the north though. At the same time, I really don't want to adopt Indiana roads, seriously they are the worst in the country.

[lokithor]

Being from Illiinois, the place is a shitshow for as long as I can remember.

https://www.thrillist.com/entertainm...ns-of-all-time

I mean shit thats proabably the tip of the iceberg. Those are just the ones that got caught.

[Lenonis]

I'm not sure you could have found a more biased article if you tried.

Any article that talks about the state's finances without mentioning the state governor is total garbage.

If you were interested in having an actual discussion you should have picked a starting point that wasn't so skewed to be near nonsense.

Of course it's an editorial so it's not meant to be factual anyway.

[KrazyK923]

As an Illinoisan:

Fuck off.

Try to find a less biased article next time. The article doesn't even mention the joke that is Bruce Rauner and how he's refusing and blocking everything the general assembly wants to do. He's a horribly anti-union asshole and is effectively trying to Donald Trump Illinois.

This circle jerk about Madigan is basically the state-version of Trump's retarded Deep State conspiracy bullshit. Oh dang he's a leader on the other side who won't let you do whatever you want? DAMN HE'S A MOB BOSS!

[Nasuuna]

Don't give Wisconsin Chicago please, the state has been doing AMAZING economically since disbanding the monopoly unions and lowering taxes under Scott Walker

[MacMathan]

Nobody wants Chicago with it's politicians and corruption and gangs and urban shite. Should just nuke it and be done with it. Bulldoze it all under and start fresh with a couple of small communities that might actually have some value.

[KrazyK923]

Don't give Wisconsin Chicago please, the state has been doing AMAZING economically since disbanding the monopoly unions and lowering taxes under Scott Walker

"Amazing." Meaning gutting social services, destroying unions, "creating" nothing but minimum wage shit jobs.

Yeah its doing amazing.

What is truly amazing are people who think lower taxes immediately is a good thing still in this day and age.

"Oh goodie I'll be making ~500-1000 bucks a year, whoops there goes all our roads, social infrastructure, and public goods!"

[Nasuuna]

"Amazing." Meaning gutting social services, destroying unions, "creating" nothing but minimum wage shit jobs.

Yeah its doing amazing.

What is truly amazing are idiots who think lower taxes immediately is a good thing still in this day and age.

massive amazon warehouse going up in the neighborhood I grew up

massive residential expanses

(at least in Kenosha, where my uncle is a deputy) Crime is going down

http://www.statedatalab.org/state_da...tail/wisconsin

Its not king by any mean, but it gets better pretty consistently

[KrazyK923]

massive amazon warehouse going up in the neighborhood I grew up

massive residential expanses

(at least in Kenosha, where my uncle is a deputy) Crime is going down

http://www.statedatalab.org/state_da...tail/wisconsin

Its not king by any mean, but it gets better pretty consistently

None of these things have anything to do with unions being dissolved or lowering taxes.

It's pretty funny when the biggest headline you can offer on an accounting breakdown is, "finances slightly improved." Especially when all the points below it show that the state is still in a financial crisis.

I mean just look at the financials for the past few years:

2016: 8.7 Billion shortfall
2015: 9.1 Billion shortfall
2014: 8.1 Billion shortfall
2013: 8.4 Billion shortfall.

Sure I guess from the immediate preceding year, yes, it's better. But its really pretty much unchanged.

I also think its funny that people like the troll below me think somehow I'm saying Illinois is ok.

[Jaylock]

As an Illinoisan:

Fuck off.

Try to find a less biased article next time. The article doesn't even mention the joke that is Bruce Rauner and how he's refusing and blocking everything the general assembly wants to do. He's a horribly anti-union asshole and is effectively trying to Donald Trump Illinois.

This circle jerk about Madigan is basically the state-version of Trump's retarded Deep State conspiracy bullshit. Oh dang he's a leader on the other side who won't let you do whatever you want? DAMN HE'S A MOB BOSS!

Oh wow what a surprise, Illinois is facing bankruptcy, corruption and upheaval... man those Illinois politicians sure do have a great track record.

Also, Krazy stick to your youtube videos, and stay the fuck off the forums please.

[Nasuuna]

None of these things have anything to do with unions being dissolved or lowering taxes.

It's pretty funny when the biggest headline you can offer on an accounting breakdown is, "finances slightly improved." Especially when all the points below it show that the state is still in a financial crisis.

I mean just look at the financials for the past few years:

2016: 8.7 Billion shortfall
2015: 9.1 Billion shortfall
2014: 8.1 Billion shortfall
2013: 8.4 Billion shortfall.

Sure I guess from the immediate preceding year, yes, it's better. But its really pretty much unchanged.

I also think its funny that people like the troll below me think somehow I'm saying Illinois is ok.

https://www.forbes.com/places/wi/

little outdated, but from 2013 to 2016 they went from 49th to 23rd in terms of business friendliness

Oh wow what a surprise, Illinois is facing bankruptcy, corruption and upheaval... man those Illinois politicians sure do have a great track record.

Also, Krazy stick to your youtube videos, and stay the fuck off the forums please.

its not called the windy city because lake michigan, all the politicians blow hot air :3

[KrazyK923]

little outdated, but from 2013 to 2016 they went from 49th to 23rd in terms of business friendliness

Well of course "business friendliness" goes up when you destroy workers rights. You can get away with doing more of whatever the hell you want with no recourse. Not exactly a positive.

[Theinquisition]

As an Illinoisan:

Fuck off.

Try to find a less biased article next time. The article doesn't even mention the joke that is Bruce Rauner and how he's refusing and blocking everything the general assembly wants to do. He's a horribly anti-union asshole and is effectively trying to Donald Trump Illinois.

This circle jerk about Madigan is basically the state-version of Trump's retarded Deep State conspiracy bullshit. Oh dang he's a leader on the other side who won't let you do whatever you want? DAMN HE'S A MOB BOSS!

IL has 113 BILLION in unfunded liabilities, this has been a problem much longer than the current GOV. has been in office.

Pretty shitty when the state can't even pay out lottery winners.

[Phookah]

I live in Illinois and it is crap, more crap to the north though. At the same time, I really don't want to adopt Indiana roads, seriously they are the worst in the country.

You misspelled Michigan.