Are you having an emotional affair? Cuz, yeah, it's still cheating

[Tennis]

Jacklyn Collier, a 32-year-old actor in New York, remembers the moment she realized she was having an emotional affair.

Four years ago, she was in bed with her then-boyfriend. He was fast asleep, and she was Facebook-chatting with a guy she'd met through friends. At first their correspondence had felt safe, she recalled, just some witty banter. But by this point, they were talking deeply about what they wanted for their lives in terms of career and family — things she and her boyfriend of several years had rarely discussed.

"Oh s---," she recalled thinking to herself, with her boyfriend snoozing next to her. "I don't want (my boyfriend) to read this. I feel guilty that I'm doing it, and it's not appropriate."

Yes, it is possible to cheat on your partner without laying a hand on anyone else. And although it can be harder to define than physical cheating, emotional infidelity can have the same effect on a monogamous relationship.

How do you know if that friendship with your colleague or high school crush is verging on inappropriate? For Collier, her affair "felt like a freight train that was heading somewhere that was going to have a conclusion," she said. "It felt like there was this inevitable thing: Am I going to try to be with this person, or am I going to stop talking to this person?"

I spoke to a psychotherapist and marriage researcher who noted that there's not one definition or litmus test for emotional infidelity. What's deemed fine by one partner, or in one relationship, could feel like a huge transgression in another.

An emotional affair can start innocently enough, said Stacy Notaras Murphy, a psychotherapist in Washington, D.C. Perhaps one person decides: "I want to protect my partner from the stress that's happening at work. I don't want him to know that I might be losing my job or that there might be downsizing, so you start to rely on people outside the relationship," Notaras Murphy said. "Let's say it starts off as a fun little 'I was thinking of you this weekend; I saw this funny thing in the newspaper' and you text about it."

Then that might lead to phone calls or drinks after work. "Over time, it can develop into a full-blown affair," she said.

Eventually, if you're constantly reaching for someone who's not your partner, "your partner stops knowing what's going on with you, stops being aware of these details," Notaras Murphy said. The ubiquity of cellphones makes it increasingly easy to reach out to others at all times of the day and night, she added, prime conditions for an emotional affair to take root.

It's a myth that a physical affair is more important than an emotional one, Notaras Murphy said, as it leaves little room for the pain that emotional infidelity causes. She has seen cases in which the emotional connection never led to physical intimacy and the offending partner doesn't understand why his partner is upset. He or she might protest, saying: " 'I didn't do anything wrong. I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.' "

"Physically, that person did not do anything. But you're doing something," Notaras Murphy said. "When you're reaching for another person for comfort, that's what you're supposed to do with your partner. That's what bonds us."

An emotional affair can feel like a "leak of energy between two people," she added. "Our ability to take care of our partner impacts his ability to take care of us. We are a feedback loop. If you are putting some of that energy elsewhere, there's less for what you're trying to build at home."

This is similar to the dynamic Collier noticed in her relationship. She realized that she could have been putting that time and energy she spent chatting with her Facebook friend into her boyfriend; instead, she was "focusing on being witty with this guy," she recalled.

Eventually, her boyfriend noticed her blossoming connection — after her Facebook friend sent her a birthday card and an ice cream gift card — and called her out on it. "There wasn't a big dramatic conclusion," Collier said. "My boyfriend was just like: What are you doing? This is super weird."

Is it super weird? Or is it normal? After all, vulnerability and intimacy are crucial to developing strong friendships. Notaras Murphy suggests that couples ask themselves: "Would you feel comfortable having somebody you're in a relationship with reading the texts or listening in on the conversation? If the answer is no, you need to play around with why. Is it just that it's embarrassing? Is it that this is actually crossing a line that I wouldn't want him to cross?"

But how do you even know where that line lies? In his new book, "The All-or-Nothing-Marriage," Eli J. Finkel notes that our expectations of marriage are now so high — our spouses are supposed to be our lovers, co-providers, co-parents, life coaches, our everything's! — that it's easier to feel that a union is falling short. And therefore it's easier to seek support from outside.

"We look to our spouse to play a large number of roles when it comes to our emotional life and psychological fulfilment, roles that we used to distribute across a broader range of people," Finkel said.

"It used to be the case that the marriage wasn't supposed to be your primary source of emotional support and in that era mostly people spent their time in sex-segregated social contexts," Finkel added. "I don't think wives felt like the time that their husbands spent hanging out with other men or that husbands felt like the time that the wife was hanging out with other women felt like emotional infidelity, even though it was the primary source of emotional fulfilment, self-disclosure, connection and so forth."

Note that although emotional affairs typically involve some level of physical attraction, Finkel implies that it's not required.

https://www.thespec.com/living-story...till-cheating/

With the advancement of technology it seems like emotional affairs are on the rise.

Have you had an emotional affair or know someone who has?

You definitely have to be careful these days.

[Doctor Amadeus]

Yeah I agree, but as one person who argued with me has pointed out. It sort of depends on one's understanding going into a relationship. I would say yeah emotional affairs are cheating IMO.

[Grimbold21]

Im gonna go with: it's none of your business

[Gib Lover]

Emotional or physical, I would just say it is never worth it to cheat. Speaking from experience, once you do it you never stop thinking about it. I cheated a couple relationships ago and it encompassed my every waking thought, whether I remembered how nice/exciting it was, or constant paranoia if she would tell someone who would let it slip to someone else and make its way back to my girlfriend. Or how it would blow up once she did find out, blah blah you get it.

[Theodarzna]

Don't worry Tenn a Justin Trudeau body pillow can never cheat on you.

[DarkAmbient]

That reads like something from The Onion.

[Everwake]

It wouldn't have been an affair if she'd saved herself for marriage. Instead, she's in bed with her "boyfriend" (probably not the first), chatting with another prospective boyfriend like a strumpet. She should have focused on finding the right man first.

[Independent voter]

Don't worry Tenn a Justin Trudeau body pillow can never cheat on you.

Who would've known?

[Forgettable]

Don't worry Tenn a Justin Trudeau body pillow can never cheat on you.

So THAT'S what he means whenever he mentions his spouse.

[McFuu]

Just remember, you can't turn a ho into a housewife.

[Dougie Cooper]

You can't talk deeply with a close friend? From what I'm reading (at least the first part), that just sounds like how I talk to my bff, and my relationship with her has never infringed on my relationship with my partner.

I don't really understand this. It just sounds like more "straight men and straight women can't be friends" garbage. If that's the case, as a bisexual man, I shouldn't be friends with anyone because I could potentially develop feelings for them, which is stupid.

[GreenJesus]

If a group of paladins surround me and fling white spells on my human female in Goldshire am I having an affair?

[Nazrark]

Don't worry Tenn a Justin Trudeau body pillow can never cheat on you.

You say that, but that body pillow is thinking of all that sweet money raising taxes is going to bring in.

[Blamblam41]

https://www.thespec.com/living-story...till-cheating/

With the advancement of technology it seems like emotional affairs are on the rise.

Have you had an emotional affair or know someone who has?

You definitely have to be careful these days.

Awwww, people can have feelings and emotional connections with other people? Gee and who would have thought the constant bindings of monogamous relationships would cause such horrible problems. *places hand on chin* If I were in a relationship with this woman, I'd want her to pursue her interests and ideals even if that means having experiences, emotional or otherwise, with someone new.

In polyamorous relationships, we don't have issues like this. Because we accept the reality that we are all human and therefor we are all just fucking animals.

[Witchblade77]

You can't talk deeply with a close friend? From what I'm reading (at least the first part), that just sounds like how I talk to my bff, and my relationship with her has never infringed on my relationship with my partner.

I don't really understand this. It just sounds like more "straight men and straight women can't be friends" garbage. If that's the case, as a bisexual man, I shouldn't be friends with anyone because I could potentially develop feelings for them, which is stupid.

this. there are somethings that I only talk to my friends about mainly because my husband is not genuinely interested in them. oh, he'll listen and even try to engage, but... both of us would rather talk about things we both care about, its more fun that way. what I do NOT do is hide conversations from my SO.

cheating is when you lie and hide. just having a close relationship with someone other than your spouse is NOT cheating, its friendship. edited - I do hide some things from him. kinda. if I'm entrusted with another person's secret, I don't tell him. I'll tell him that I cannot say what it is, because its not my secret to tell.

but seriously, this idea that your spouse is supposed to be EVERYTHING to you, and having relationship outside of spouse and family is bad, is just... horrifying. and yes, I'm monogamous, we both are, just not so controlling that we somehow not allowed to have friends of our own anymore.

[ellieg]

The moment she starts tagging another guy in memes more than she tags you, its over bro.

[Yvaelle]

Just remember, you can't turn a ho into a housewife.

And why would you want to? Ho's before housewifes, every day!

[A dot Ham]

That reads like something from The Onion.

I would have gone with Huffpost.

- - - Updated - - -

Awwww, people can have feelings and emotional connections with other people? Gee and who would have thought the constant bindings of monogamous relationships would cause such horrible problems. *places hand on chin* If I were in a relationship with this woman, I'd want her to pursue her interests and ideals even if that means having experiences, emotional or otherwise, with someone new.

In polyamorous relationships, we don't have issues like this. Because we accept the reality that we are all human and therefor we are all just fucking animals.

Wow, I'm not sure anyone who actually claims to be polyamorous would agree with you. There is a difference between polyamory and polygamy (an open relationship).

Forming non-sexual intimate relationships is not something animals typically do. Forming multiple sexual relationships IS something animals do (polygamy).

A polyamorous relationship can have a sexual component, but doesn't necessarily have to.

Lets also be clear that there is still yet a huge difference between an honest open relationship (polygamy) and someone who has commitment issues and fucks anything that walks because he or she is a dirtbag. Oh I'm polyamorous... no honey, you're just a whore.

[shadowmouse]

Oh, look another rehash by OP:

http://www.mmo-champion.com/threads/...otional+affair

http://www.mmo-champion.com/threads/...r#post43263317

[Deleted]

OP really into those emotional affairs, maybe he is having one?