RP-Noob..kinda needs help

[Deleted]

hey guys,
so i was writing a "script" for my very first rp character (which in fact i played since bc but am making a new one with the backgroundstory i originally intended to add)

i actually finished it, and i thought it is "good". but after i read through other storys...i began to wonder if my story was a little bit... to cluttered?
please comment, any advise or critiscm is welcome.

also, don´t flame me, i am no good in english, i gave my best... i think there still plenty of spelling and grammar errors.

btw, i´m searching for a rp-buddy. am playing on eu-servers. language being german.
PM me pls^^



Rhumosh, Orcish Grunt

Rhumosh was born on Azeroth, shortly before the second war started. His mother, a member of the Warsong, Veteran of the first War, who joined the Burning Blade clan through marriage, had to escape, because she saved Rhumosh from a rite (the rite contained the drowning of unworthy infants), hence tainted the honor and respect of his father, who deemed his son unworthy. Furious of this "treachery", he sought vengeance, and chased, with some of his remaining men, after his mother with Rhumosh in her hands. They eventually entered the dark portal and traveled back to draenor. A disease is the reason why Rhumosh was deemed unworthy, which made the child weakly. It did not affect the love of the heroic and loving mother for her child, however she was concerned about his well-being and health.

On Their journey though Draenor, she met some Priests of the Draenai. Due to some events the priests accepted the request and cured Rhumosh from his disease.

Finally, they could live happily and spent some time together as mother and child... until the Father found them. Battle was unavoidable, she found herself fighting alone against a group of veteran fighters. The escape lasted some days, until the mother had no other option to entrust Rhumosh to her former Clan. There, she had someone, who owed her his life, the orc promised her, to raise him as a proud Warrior. She herself could not seek refuge, as she is still regarded as a traitor, so instead of escaping with the clan, she acted as the decoy.

Just before Draenor shattered the Warsong clan managed to escape through the portal, while on the dying world, the dying mother could drag her persecutors with her into damnation. Her son shall never face his father.

On Azeroth, the escaping Warsong had to slaughter their Way through waves of enemies. The orc, who was entrusted with the safety of Rhumosh, got wounded in Battle, he managed to survive, however he lost Rhumosh in the skirmish.

Rhumosh grew up in an internment camp under harsh conditions. His hatred towards humankind (the guards treated them like filth) and towards his own people (either his people were bloodthirsty monsters(tales he heard from the past) or pitiful, lethargic weaklings(then current state) caused him to flee.

It was winter, the raids which kept him alive, gave him not much of food, money was worthless to him, it was cold, he had to secretly sleep in stables or caves, he was sick and he was not very talented in hunting, he starved.

It was again one of his raids, he spotted a dwarf, what surprised him was the sight of a group of children from different alliance races, which accompanied the dwarf.
Said Dwarf, Baigan Breachhammer, was a traveling archeologist, who earned his money through giving lectures, he was a respected explorer and researcher, who made it to his life task, to help orphans and other children in bad situation, and raising them, giving them a "home". The aged Dwarf felt deep commiseration, he offered Rhumosh, to travel with him.
After doubts and some tensions, he joined him. At first, Rhumosh had to face some hatred from the other kids, some, especially the elven, still had terrible memories from the past, but eventually, slowly, over time, they acknowledged him, he became the "big brother"...

...years passed, Rhumoshs hatred for humankind and the alliance, slowly faded. He lived peacefully, Baigan showed him how to hunt, trained him in some basic fighting moves he still remembered, he even taught him in intellectual things, in return, Rhumosh lived up to be the stalwart protector of his "family". He felt something foreign to him during this days, safety and love.

Then, one day, Baigan made a speech in andorhal, when, the other kids had cloaked Rhumosh, his disguise failed. It resulted in panicking people and quite some attention, Rhumosh would have preferred to avoid. Against all expectations, it went off cheaply. However, Rhumosh, unnoticed, got attention of the horde, under the leadership of thrall. The old Warsong-veteran aware, the rumored orc might be the child, he was entrusted with, made his way to him.

Rhumosh was not pleased with his guest at all. He had enough of his race, his roots, his blood and flesh. the old orc, to stubborn to give up, however endlessly told him about the new horde, the shining future, the redefining of what it is being horde, the chance of being a own nation, a kingdom for all the orcs out there, a kingdom Rhumosh belonged to.
Rhumosh, at first fearing, he might be disappointed at the end again, gave him a chance. With a heavy heart, he said farewell to those, he began to love, and together with the old orc on his side, he returned. He joined the horde.

The following years arouse Pride and Honor within Rhumosh, things which were so strange and foreign to him.

With the horde, he traveled to Kalimdor and fought many battles. After the kingdom of Durotar was founded, after the forsaken and bloodelves had joined the horde, Rhumosh received the sad message. Baigun, his "father", and many of his "sisters" and "brothers" died, when the scourge haunted and plagued Lordaeron.

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Rhumoshs appearance: For most people, he is "just another orc". Nothing that distinct him from others. Here and there little scars, nothing special among orcish warriors. He has a black pigtail and a divided laced beard (Baigun too, had a laced beard). If spent some effort, you can see on his facial expression his calmer attitude. He wields Axes as his preferred Weapon, most times also a second one, but uses only one at once (He uses one as a backup, sometimes he hurls his main weapon into enemies). He covers himself in, preferably orcish, Heavy Armor.

Rhumoshs personality: He is calm. He is reasonable, sometimes rational (he often enters this "state", when he is slightly annoyed or angry, he tries to suppress his savagery), but can like any other orc give in to rage and fury. He tries to observe and understand before he acts, and questions anything before he believes. He sometimes lacks the Pride other orcs have. All these traits have their reason in Rhumoshs early life. He had to see both, light and dark side of the horde and the alliance. His early hatred for his own people caused his lack of understanding for orcish Pride, but even if he knows this might be silly, he is eager to learn and adapt to this. He respects the wise thoughtful way of thinking thrall spread, after all he himself is someone, who acts this way, but he, sometimes he forces himself to, looks up to Orcs like Garrosh Hellscream.
(with this as background, playing as a orc is much more forgiving. fact is, playing a orc is difficult, especially for someone, who used to play only "Mr. Nice Guy")

Reasons why Rhumosh would travel with...
...Trolls and Tauren: He met him/her/them on Kalimdor.

...Goblins: Refugee from Kezan, met in Orgrimmar.

...Forsaken and Bloodelf: If the other fellow agrees to play a "brother"/"sister" with her own story, so be it!
If not, it is merely a pact, an agreement with the own advantages in mind.

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Actually, i... kinda... developed a "Hellfire/Nagrand-story arc", i´m not quite sure if i play this out, or this in fact actually happened already. This will take place in outland and will feature the story of his heroic mother and his vengeful father. IF i play this out, i have a reason for traveling to outland.


Primarily, his reason for northrend is his duty as a warrior of the horde. but also, he wishes to avenge his "family", knowing, he won´t be able to. He don´t even know who or what killed them, and IF he knew, he can´t guarantee, that he succeed in battle. He was/will stationed in Warsong Hold. Later he had/will have to accompany his general to dalaran and were/will be on board of Orgrims Hammer.


Cataclysm... well, i will see what will come out of it. unlike bc and wotlk, cata is not a sequel to past events but something like a new story arc

[Thage]

Well... off the bat, there's the bit about Draenei priests. The draenei went into hiding for years after the Horde savaged their race before going to Azeroth, and weren't discovered until Danath Trollbane led troops to Auchindoun during the novel Beyond the Dark Portal. And even so, were these draenei priests found, odds are they would have either sought to kill the orcs, or simply turned them away with harsh words and refused to so much as offer a kind look to the child. It's one of the driving reasons the draenei of the Exodar remain with the Alliance now, rather than maintain a neutral stance on Azeroth now that the Legion and Illidari have been beaten back and most of the draenei lands that were lost to both reclaimed by the Sha'tar.

Another problem: an orc in Andorhol would have been executed by the city guard, panicked crowd or no. After the Second War, the people of Lordaeron were out for orcish blood. It's the reason Tirion Fordring was stripped of his title and position in the Silver Hand and exiled, because he sought justice for Eitrigg and saved him rather than let Eitrigg be executed to pacify a bloodthirsty populace.

[Deleted]

Well... off the bat, there's the bit about Draenei priests. The draenei went into hiding for years after the Horde savaged their race before going to Azeroth, and weren't discovered until Danath Trollbane led troops to Auchindoun during the novel Beyond the Dark Portal. And even so, were these draenei priests found, odds are they would have either sought to kill the orcs, or simply turned them away with harsh words and refused to so much as offer a kind look to the child. It's one of the driving reasons the draenei of the Exodar remain with the Alliance now, rather than maintain a neutral stance on Azeroth now that the Legion and Illidari have been beaten back and most of the draenei lands that were lost to both reclaimed by the Sha'tar.

what i had in mind: The mothers intention was to travel to Garadar, but on the way, rhumoshs fever (started on the journey) got very high, and so,the mother sought refuge in the ruins of shattrath. there she found the draneai. she stalked one of them and threatend the others to kill her, if they do not obey to her orders.
Because she traveled so long, she was tired and exhausted, a thing, the draenai noticed. a draenai managed to overpower her and freed the priest. when a higher priest, the leader of the aldor, forgot her name, saw, why the female orc attacked, she conviced her, that if she did not make any troubles, she will cure her son. after all, the draenai wanted to avoid being found by the other orcs. also she, the leader seemed reasonable and kind of forgiven...you know, holy light of naaru and such...

tooo far fetched.. ? :P

[Thage]

what i had in mind: The mothers intention was to travel to Garadar, but on the way, rhumoshs fever (started on the journey) got very high, and so,the mother sought refuge in the ruins of shattrath. there she found the draneai. she stalked one of them and threatend the others to kill her, if they do not obey to her orders.
Because she traveled so long, she was tired and exhausted, a thing, the draenai noticed. a draenai managed to overpower her and freed the priest. when a higher priest, the leader of the aldor, forgot her name, saw, why the female orc attacked, she conviced her, that if she did not make any troubles, she will cure her son. after all, the draenai wanted to avoid being found by the other orcs. also she, the leader seemed reasonable and kind of forgiven...you know, holy light of naaru and such...

tooo far fetched.. ? :P

It's easier just to have her have made it to Garadar, because the odds of the draenei healing an orc (a member of a race that committed wholesale genocide on the draenei) without the orc working his or her ass off to prove their good intentions (such as joining the Aldor and working hard under their banner) are slim to none. The Light and the Naaru may teach forgiveness, but that doesn't mean you're obligated to heal someone whose people committed genocide against yours.

[Deleted]

ok, any other points of critiscm or interests? advice?

[Thage]

Well, right now, orcs are in a great spot for roleplayers because they're starting to form factions--you have Thrall's supporters, who are mostly shamans and First/Second War veterans, Garrosh's supporters, who are mainly younger warriors whose parents seem to have forgotten to remind them that wanton slaughter and bloodthirsty psychosis is a bad thing, you've got the orcs who would prefer to aid a benign neutral faction like the Guardians of Hyjal or the Sha'tar in their fight against the Legion, you've got orcs who just want to be left alone to drown their psychological scars of what they did during the First and/or Second War in a sea of ale... so really, almost any personality type can work with an orc, and RPing with other orcs could present an interesting opportunity if, say, yours is a Thrall loyalist while the other has embraced Garrosh's overly-optimisitc interpretation of "the glory days" of the Second War.

[Deleted]

many thanks!
but to my question at the beginning...is my story not a little bit.. too much?

others are also welcome to comment!