How to stop a proposing man

[Needalight]

I feel bad for you there..I'm not entirely sure on how I would deal with that.....

Maybe talk to the girlfriend about it..? There isn't an easy way to approach it, but just tell her.. " HE WANTS TO MARRY YOU, How do you feel about this? " If she isn't totally freaked about by the idea, she might find a way to let him know not to do it...
For example...one day she can just say to him, " I want to marry when im 30+"

I don't know........that is my best idea.

[Doylez]

How can I explain this to him without A: Making him realise that I think it's a bad and somewhat immature idea, or B: (worst case scenario) making him think that I in any way talk down on/dont approve of his girlfriend. Dont get me wrong, she seems like a nice girl and a good match for him.

Ask him
"Are you sure this is what you want?" :P

Ofc you can tell him about your concerns but other than that it's really none of your business and you have no right to influence his decision or to stop him, even if it turns out to be a mistake.

[Kavoo]

...but it's his first sirious relationship and they've only been together for 2-3 months or so....

trainwreck inc

[Deleted]

I don't see why you don't tell him it's a bad idea, because it sounds like it is one. I know some people marry at 21 after 2 months and they're still together 40 years later, but there's no harm in waiting. If he feels the same in a year then why the hell not, but at least he'll know. I know marriage isn't for life any more it seems, but there's a lot of legal wrangling and heartache in a divorce and it's just not worth it. I don't believe that telling the friend your opinion is wrong and trying to see him your point of view is only being a good friend when he's clearly being pretty naive.

Ask him why he feels he has to has to propose NOW. Point out she might run a mile (especially is she's about the same age). There are plenty of other ways to show his love for her. Hell, advise him to get a 'promise' ring - I find them a bit cheesy, but it's not a big a promise as an engagment ring but has the same idea behind it. (I don't mean the purity ring kind though, I mean the pre-engagement kind).

If he doesn't listen to sense and reason, tell him by tradition the ring is supposed to be 2 months wages (many aren't nowadays, but you don't have to tell him that). In the time it takes him to get the money together he may have realised you were right, or if he baulks at spending that much on the ring. On the other hand if he goes ahead and blows that kind of money that might backfire...

But like others said, support him if he decides to go with it against every piece of advice. And don't for goodness sake tell him 'I told you so' if it goes wrong

[Ergwendith]

I feel bad for you there..I'm not entirely sure on how I would deal with that.....

Maybe talk to the girlfriend about it..? There isn't an easy way to approach it, but just tell her.. " HE WANTS TO MARRY YOU, How do you feel about this? " If she isn't totally freaked about by the idea, she might find a way to let him know not to do it...
For example...one day she can just say to him, " I want to marry when im 30+"

I don't know........that is my best idea.

Oh wow, I would never interfere like that oO. Telling his girlfriend might ruin their relationship and will DEFINATELY ruin our friendship since he told me in the strictest confidence.

[Aramos]

I personally made the mistake of getting married too young, you learn a lot from that mistake but no one really wants to have to go through it. A year and a half ago a friend went through with a proposal to a girlfriend and he ended up getting hurt. The bitch had been cheating on him for 4 months prior to accepting the proposal then took everything that he owned. I told him it was a bad idea but even then he didn't take the advice, and it cost him upwards to $30,000. Let your friend know your opinion on the matter but don't outright tell him it is a mistake, you have no way of knowing that for sure. But he should know that you are worried about the situation.

[Deleted]

Tell him the same story you tell us.

If that's not enough for him , and he REALLY wants to marry this girl say:

If your relation has the potency of marriage, you and her will still be around in 2 years or more to ask her. And you'll have not only grown in time but also as people and have a stronger relationship. Or something like that

[Needalight]

Oh wow, I would never interfere like that oO. Telling his girlfriend might ruin their relationship and will DEFINATELY ruin our friendship since he told me in the strictest confidence.

Sorry!

I do think that she will leave him if she is absolutely against it....

[Deleted]

My parents got married after knowing each other for 9 weeks. 33 years later and they're still together. I know it's rare, but it CAN happen.

Be a friend and be honest, even if it means being brutal, and explain things realistically and in an impartial way. Don't make it personal. Once you've said your piece and put your point across, you've done your part. Make it clear that you won't hassle and let him do what he wishes, but also state that you'll be there for him whatever the outcome. If he understands both sides, then the risk is up to him. You may not agree, but you cannot know that it will definitely be a bad idea.

[Rec]

I'd say it's wrong to think "it's his mistake to make." You're a close friend of his, tell him straight up how you feel about the situation. Be sure to clarify that you don't want to make decisions for him, but you wanted to share your opinion, and he can follow or dismiss it as he wishes.

[Ergwendith]

My parents got married after knowing each other for 9 weeks. 33 years later and they're still together. I know it's rare, but it CAN happen.

Be a friend and be honest, even if it means being brutal, and explain things realistically and in an impartial way. Don't make it personal. Once you've said your piece and put your point across, you've done your part. Make it clear that you won't hassle and let him do what he wishes, but also state that you'll be there for him whatever the outcome. If he understands both sides, then the risk is up to him. You may not agree, but you cannot know that it will definitely be a bad idea.

Thanks, I'll probably do something along these lines.

[skylla05]

Don't worry about it, the girl will probably freak out and say no. Or at that age, when the parents know they'll probably not support it (and we all know a 21 yold can't pay for a marriage). What will probably happen is they'll get engaged (which only costs a ring) and never fix a date or follow through.

There are very cheap methods of marriage including Civil Marriages or at the very least, Las Vegas. Marriages don't need to be extravagant and expensive celebrations unless you want them to be.

You're being far too superficial about it, especially for knowing next to nothing about the 2 people in question.

That said, to the OP as it's been said many times already, it's not your business to interfere. Offer your opinion as a friend, but don't act like it's your duty to put a stop to it simply because you think he's making a mistake. Making mistakes is the best way to gain life experience. If you are a true friend, you will support his decision and if it falls through, at the very least you're allowed the first "told you so"

[Ergwendith]

I dont really agree when people say that it's just a healthy experience if it does go wrong.

This is marriage we're talking about, not a trip to the supermarket. An unhappy marriage can leave a gaping hole in your life, especially since he's only 21. A divorce can get really ugly with a landslide of financial and emotional baggage, child custody issues, etc.

[Exera]

Tell him in a good way what you feel, and ask him if it's honestly what he wants, if it is what he wants support him, if it goes bad be the friend he needs and help pick up the pieces, if it turns out it is the right thing to do be happy for him.

What you shouldn't do is try and stop it in anyway, that will only end up in you losing a friend and he going ahead with it anyways.

[Dragonshardz]

Not sure if serious.

Would have worked better but... I digress. It is a good thing to talk to your friend and explain what you think. However, don't beat yourself up if he decides to go through with it. It is his life and his own decision.

[Rukh]

Propose first.

[Speaknoevil]

@ OP

My first thought of concern is slightly different from yours.

His mistake has multiple facets that should be addressed.

- How bad will he take it if she says no?
- [what you mentioned] Adoration's rose tinted glasses, VS legitimate love
- What will happen when it wears off?
- What if she gets pregnant? ...and then the above happens?

And to answer your question, there is nothing you can do.

He will never hear your words, no matter how loudly you scream them in his ear.

Until reality checks happen, he will be completely blinded by infatuation.

[Imadraenei]

"right for eachother" is a silly naive idea created by hollywood to sell love stories in movies, come on.

I believe what you're thinking of is the idea of a "one true love" or something to that effect, where you have One and Only One possible match. "Right for each other" is akin to saying "compatible". It's just that "compatibility" to me sounds kinda lame when you ascribe it to a romantic relationship at the same time you use it to say most of your PSX games work in your PS2.

[Cephilia]

I had a similar situation while ago, when my friend and his boyfriend had decided to get engaged at the wonderful age of 18, this being the first relationship for both of them (not to mention they're both daydreamers with hardly any touch to reality. Great people though).

Basically, I talked some sense in to her - not saying she can't, but explaining her why it's too soon. I told her how I turned my ex down when he proposed (similar situation, we were like 16? Luckily I'm not as much as a dreamer as my friend) and advised her to do a similar thing we did back then. We set up a date in two years, when he'd propose again if we were to still be together. That way, we'd have time to plan the event, maybe buy more expensive rings and had the time to see if the relationship really worked. Make it sound a super romantic and make sure he knows how much his girl would love it.

Also, make sure to make him realize he doesn't know what he's promising to do. He's made a promise to stay the rest of his life with this girl, and even if they love each other, everyday life with her might prove impossible. It might be lots of little things they can't work out, a family member she can't stand, anything - so tell him you'd think it would be a good idea for them to live together for atleast ~6 months before committing to it for the rest of his life. You could also bring up the meaning of vows like that and hoe they're fading because people are making these decisions too easily, and how his girlfriend would appriciate it more if he thought about it a bit longer. It's not like he wants her to think he'd be ready to propose to nay girl who stays with her for a while, right?

I know it sounds strange, but I'm good at reasoning with her. They ended up doing as I said and set up a date in few years, and might even go abroad for the occasion (something you might want to suggest to your friend).

[masti]

I had a similar experience, well not really it wasn't a proposal but a nudge lower, my friend moved together with his girlfriend of 3 weeks and started a nest together, I let my friend do his thing just told him that it maybe was a bit fast but nothing more. Just in case things got sour I keept a room in my apartment that I was planning on renting out, 4 months later he was my new flatmate. I'm not saying it's definitely going to go bad for your friend, but the chances are big. Let him do his thing and be a friend if it goes bad or if it works plan his bachelor party.