Personal feelings, decisions, and guilt

[Ace192]

This might be a TL;DR kind of post so bear with me. I know I'm going to get the usual flamers that will ask "Why are you asking a bunch of nerds on the internet about this stuff?" but I'm ready for them. I've seen some pretty sensible people on this site when it comes to this kind of thing so I don't think I'm barking too wrong of a tree.

So a little bit of background on this situation:

Last Friday night it was a friend's birthday and we were going to pregame at her place and then find a party we got hooked up at. However, a few drinks of Jameson whiskey turned into a whole huge ass bottle and we ended up getting knocked out. Saturday, I was feeling super shitty so I decided not to go out to party. However, the friend who just had the birthday (Lizzie) still had some party left in her and she wanted to make the most out of her weekend. I was not actually going to go, but then she was going to bring along out other friend, Maddy. I'm really good friends with Maddy since me and Lizzie met her back during orientation (sophomores in college now). I had chemistry with her last year and I see her in 3/6 classes this year. Since I met her I fell for her and I've really enjoyed being her friend. It's pretty clear that I will pretty much have no chance with her, but I'm okay with that. As for looks I'm going to go ahead and say I'm pretty below average (she's definitely 8-9/10) and I'm not exactly the most 'fun' guy either. I'm going to go ahead and say I'm friend material for any girl.

Maddy is a studious girl thats the innocent type, but that's just because of her parents being oppressive. When she parties.... she really parties. I've had to bring her home once and I was really afraid that she would die of how much she drank. I knew that Lizzie would not be able to watch Maddy to the best of her ability so I offered to go along as a sort of "babysitter." Maddy was really excited I was going along as was I. She was looking exceptionally amazing that night and I was really happy I was her sort of "escort" for the night.

We get to the party and she has a few too many cups of jungle juice in the beginning and she is getting wasted on the spot (she's a real lightweight). Our party gets busted and we all bail. Through Lizzie's hookups, we get to go to another party. Here is where the "real" party begins. Maddy gets even more drunk and she makes out with three different guys. Maddy isn't a slut when she's sober so I won't judge her for that. She gives one guy a hardcore lap dance and she was shaking everything her momma gave her. Because I really like her, I couldn't even bear to see her do that stuff. I wanted to stop her from doing all of that, but Lizzie told me that it wasn't my call. In the end, I didn't really live up to my self-appointed job of the babysitter and I felt really stupid. After all the times I told myself I would keep her from doing that to herself, I pretty much failed.

The whole night she would randomly come over to me and give me a kiss on the cheek and a hug and tell me how I'm her best friend ever (something she would never do sober). Since I'm pretty shy, it was awkward, but I will admit I liked it. On the ride back she kept on complimenting me how I was so sweet that I actually took care of her the whole night. She pretty much went to sleep in my arms the whole ride back and I'm not going to deny that I really loved her complimenting me. However, since she was drunk, I felt wrong for feeling like that. I felt like I was taking advantage of the situation. I didn't touch her inappropriately or anything, but it still felt wrong once I was alone. On the walk back to the dorm I pretty much carried her back while she had her arms around my neck and she continued to call me her best friend ever. I even held her hair back when she puked, ran to the store to buy her some water, and all our friends commented on how obvious I was being.

So anyways, here's the question. Did I fuck up? I promised myself I wouldn't let her get out of hand but I did. I'm the hopeless romantic type so there was no sexual feelings involved in the whole ordeal but I think I get really guilty, really fast. It was her call and her decision, but I still feel guilty for letting it get to that point. My female friends tell me that I'm the sweetest guy ever for watching out for her, but my guy friends say that I shouldn't feel guilty for anything since she's not my responsibility. Also, was it wrong of me to actually like taking care of her when she was drunk? It doesn't seem right for me to have liked her getting into that state. Sorry for the long post and how stupid I sound by acting like a five year old that did something bad.

[ibnalail]

1. You promised yourself, not her. If you're really concerned, ask her if she realizes that she really goes overboard when she drinks.

2. You didn't take advantage of the situation, there's nothing there to feel guilty about. IMO, you're a doormat, not a predator, and just happy she needs you. Now if you're intentionally letting her get herself get into these situations just so you can rush in and be her hero, then you've got issues. Creepy issues.

[Dacien]

First of all, there's entirely too much drinking going on. Partying is fine, but is it necessary to get shit-faced every time? I assume you're in college, so maybe you and Maddy and Lizzie need to scale back the partying and focus more on your education.

Moving on, you did everything you were supposed to. You can't control Maddy, so she's going to do what she wants to do. If she wants to go to parties and get shitfaced, you can voice your disapproval, but you cannot command her not to do it. So given that, the best you can do is look out for her, which you did.

[Ace192]

1. You promised yourself, not her. If you're really concerned, ask her if she realizes that she really goes overboard when she drinks.

2. You didn't take advantage of the situation, there's nothing there to feel guilty about. IMO, you're a doormat, not a predator, and just happy she needs you. Now if you're intentionally letting her get herself get into these situations just so you can rush in and be her hero, then you've got issues. Creepy issues.

A hard, straightforward answer. I like it.

Yeah I guess you're right about the doormat thing. And no... I like her but I'm not going to intentionally let her get hurt in order for me to look better for her. Like you said, that's really creepy.

[Eharenda]

I don't think you fucked up. In my opinion, she sounds like a strong-willed girl, and trying to stop her doing those things would have only made it worse. Given the circumstance, I think you did the right thing by just watching out for her.

[Blackeyecycle]

I read the whole thing, did I miss something? Did you put it in? You sound like a nice guy. I usually do too, when I am trying to get something.

[fizzbob]

if you feel guilty, your own bs code of morals and ethics is the problem and nobody else can help you. i have more respect for someone who does whatever and never feels guilty about it than someone who does something that they KNOW they don't agree with, which leads to the guilt.

if you're gonna try to be above the rest of heathens with your impossible code to live by, then do it. too many people TALK the talk and don't walk the walk

i don't talk the talk and will do whatever is necessary for my kids to live happy lives, whether that be doing a crap job i don't want to do or murdering a family of midgets, whatever has to be done will be done and i won't feel guilty or ashamed of any of it.

you sound like you are your own worst enemy. we're animals, right and wrong is dictated by what society says and none of them can live up to those standards either.

[Hraklea]

Maddy isn't a slut when she's sober so I won't judge her for that.

Wrong. Unless she was forced to drink, it was her responsability. Don't make excuses for her just because you like her.

Actually, you're whole problem is a matter of maturity, and it's something that you'll find the answer by yourself. You have no reason to feel guilty, and honestly, you have no reason to care that much about this girl.

[Deleted]

If she treats you like that - SHE IS NOT WORTH YOUR TIME, even if you enjoy her company at the moment it will only get worse if you keep letting her treat you like that. Stop seeing her, seek your fortune elsewhere.

[Deleted]

I personally had a experiance similar to this basically looking after a girl that I liked and her getting smashed, looked after her and even had to start a fight to get her out f trouble. Carried her home and crashed at her's on the way home and the morning after she was saying thank you loads of times and how she was sorry for me having to babysit her and that.

And it did feel good helping her and that only problem was that she had a boyfriend who is a mate of mine but was away at the time and one point our group was at the train station waiting for some peoples train and was cold she being stupid didn't have a jacket on so gave her mine and she cuddled up to me and held my hand. Apart from that moment I didn't feel guilty at all but even though was about a month ago I still feel bad about it. But to me you've got nothing to feel guilty about and one day you it might pay off for you.

[semaphore]

Sounds like she has a problem with alcohol. You should bring that to her attention when she's sober instead of feeling guilty about whatever she does when she gets drunk (especially if she didn't actually ask you to keep her out of trouble). Lizzie is right, it's not your call to decide what she should be doing - maybe she liked doing what she did and the alcohol just helps her be more comfortable with herself. And what's wrong with being promiscuous, if she's not in a committed relationship? It would have been a different issue if she realises that she has a drinking problem and asked you to help. So again that's something you should talk to her about instead of trying to appoint yourself her babysitter.

On that note, it was very nice of you to worry and try watch over her. You shouldn't feel guilty about her complimenting you when drunk.

[Ozy]

I originally typed a few paragraphs but i decided to shorten my response to this:

Stay away from her.
Your in the friend zone and your not getting out from what I have read, if you dont your just going to get your heart broken.
Do you REALLY want a gf like that!?

[Xzan]

I am not sure why you should feel guilty at all. If your friend wants to drink, she will and you can't do anything about it.
If anything, I'd feel happy that she didn't get fucked by some bum in restrooms while you were keeping an eye on her tbh.

Actually to be fairly honest, I think you pretty much deserve to get laid with her for wasting your time doing her a bodyguard. Any guilt I'd feel would be that I didn't get to take any kind of advantage of her myslef

[Lilcheeks]

Guilty for what? I'd let this girl go do her thing when she drinks. Being someone's doormat is not acceptable. Don't let her give you that role in your relationship with her. Like you said, you don't have a chance with her so don't make this harder for yourself by putting yourself in situations like the ones described.

[Taurenburger]

She seems not the girl you want to be with as boyfriend, as she can´t control herself. It is really nice of you to "babysit", like I've done a few times myself, but it's not going to help you with anything.

I do not think you should feel guilty, it's technically not your responsibility. You could (do not read should) have made her drink nothing more at that club or keep her close to you, so that other guys think she's yours, She apparently wanted to do the stuff she did, so if she regrets it afterwards, that's her own problem.

[Skippy88]

If possible talk to the girl directly about it to see what her thoughts are on it. I would commend you though for not taking advantage of situation though. I had one of my sister's friend in my bed passed out one time and all I could think of was "My sister would kill me if I did anything to her" so I didn't.

[noteworthynerd]

There's only so much you can do when you are "babysitting" a grown ass woman, she's gonna do what she wants to do, and there's not much you can do to stop it. If you would have let her sleep with one of those dudes, I would have said you fucked up, but that isn't the case.

Not to mention: I think 50% of guys in your situation would have been trying as hard as possible to hit that, so no, in my opinion, you didn't fuck up, although you are certainly stuck in the friend-zone from now on (which isn't always a terrible place to be). That being said, you have stronger feelings for this girl than friendship, and you're only beating yourself by getting stuck as her babysitter/confidant.

[Sunseeker]

You really can't stop a person from drinking. It just doesn't work, especially not at private parties where there's no barkeep to cut a person off. Usually they just get pissy at you or their friends white-knight them and give them even more to drink.

The fact that she let you take care of her, as trust me, drunks who don't want to be taken care of will make it known, is a good thing. You should let her know what happened with basically everything you said here.

[Deleted]

OP, you sound like a nice guy, and I kinda like you right away just from reading your story and you remind me of my best friend I guess.

That being said, I can't help but think that your problem isn't guilt for letting Maddy down, which you clearly didn't. I'd rather say you've probably felt really bad watching her make out with those guys because you still have very strong feelings for her and although you liked her attention and her touch afterwards, you kinda disliked it at the same time because it wasn't intentionally sexual.

You really gotta ask yourself, did you really feel bad for "taking advantage of the situation" and "letting her down", or do you tell yourself that because that way it's easier to cope with the whole situation? I mean, did you want to interfere earlier that night because you wanted to protect her from her drunken self or did you want to get rid of those guys she made out with? If you're really just questioning your qualities as a friend, why the whole introduction comparing her looks to yours, evaluating your chances with her?

That's the thing with you nice guys, you can get your heart ripped out and say "thank you, I totally get why you're doing this, do you want to have my liver to go?".

You KNOW you didn't let her down in any way, don't come let internet-people tell you things you already know and support your cover-up.
Don't torture yourself with this. Think about what you really want from her. Then go for it and don't look back.

Remember, if you don't respect yourself, how are others supposed to? Do not settle for second places. Having given it your best shot and walking away with shards in your hands is better than realizing, you have never had anything to begin with!

(Remember to take everything I said with a grain of salt, I might aswell be wrong ofc, keep in mind I don't mean to be disrespectful, this was just my first impression and it might or might not be helpful to you )

[Allerra]

I'm typically just a stalker on the forums and actually made an account in order to post this. I apologize in advance for the length >.>


My first thought when I read your post it that it saddens me that you have automatically put yourself into a box where you feel you are only friend material for any girl. I completely understand that comment and have been there myself towards guys (yes I'm female) so I'm not going to spout hypocritical psychobabble nonsense, but I did want to point it out and bring it to your attention because I feel it is important in the situation. The reason it is important is because of this: the way YOU see YOU could be completely different than how SHE (or any girl) sees YOU. I will tell you a story to further explain.

In high school, I had a guy friend that was different than the rest. We were best friends, went to school together, worked together, and partied together sometimes. I fell completely in love with him and wanted a relationship with him. I knew he cared about me but I didn't really feel worthy of him for various reasons and didn't think he would want a relationship with me. Some reasons were the typical "oh he is a popular jock and I'm not a cheerleader" type thing or age difference (he was a senior I was a freshman) and some were much more complex. Nothing ever happened between us and we went our own ways in life, but have always remained friends and kept in touch. Recently, we were talking and just catching up with each other’s lives. Thanks to the magic of a few beers, he ended up sharing how he felt about me all along. So well over 10 years later, I found out he had wanted to be with me as bad as I had wanted to be with him. Most of the reasons I thought he wouldn't want me had never even crossed his mind. I shared my feelings with him as well. Bottom line was that we were both just too scared to say anything and ended up missing out on an opportunity. No telling if it would have made our lives better or worse. I don't sit here regretting it or kicking myself daily but I do often wonder and wish we would have at least had the chance to see how things turned out.


So now that emo storytime is over, TALK TO HER! If you feel that strongly about her at least give her a chance to share her thoughts and feelings instead of dictating them for her. Trust me, I know even the thought is scary but it's worth the risk. Like I said before, what YOU think about YOU could be a total 360 from what SHE thinks about YOU. Yes there is the chance that she doesn't want anything more than friends and that will hurt but in the long-run, with how things currently are, you are already being hurt. It is hurting you to watch her with other guys. It is hurting you to have to hold back. It’s just a slow torture right now. There is also the chance that you are so caught up with her despite the absence of mutual feelings from her that you miss out on a really great girl who does feel the same about you.

As far as your guilt goes, I don’t believe you have a reason to feel guilty. You did nothing wrong. The fact that you are feeling guilty is just even more of an indicator that you need to talk to her. As far as her partying goes, does she do it more when you are around? I know when I went out with my guy friend I partied a lot harder just because of the fact that I knew I was safe with him around and trusted him. It is a very real possibility that she is not aware that she is hurting you and it is not her intention.


Not all girls are evil, selfish, manipulating, worthless whores despite the general consensus displayed on these forums. Just sayin…