Need relationship advice, what am I doing wrong?!?

[Claymore]

Well, let me just be upfront about this; it's kind of a personal issue, and while I know this is hardly the best place to ask for relationship advice, the truth is that I don't really have anybody in my life who I can really talk to about this kind of stuff. So... here we go.

I'm a 24-year-old guy. I've been raised all over the country (and even spent a few months living in England!), but my family kind of settled down in the South. Because getting pulled out of school was so difficult more my older sister and I, my parents opted to "home-school" us when I was in 3rd grade (I had been to 13 different school by then). As such, I grew up without any friends, never having a place to call "home", and pretty much despising my dad.

Well, about the time I was in 10th grade, I was pretty messed up. My parents didn't even attempt to teach us anything, and because my family has a history of obesity (something that, thankfully, my mother and sister didn't have to deal with), I was overweight, stupid, and socially-inept. They tried putting me in a private-school for a year, and I sort of gave into depression (being obese, coupled with red hair, pale skin, and glasses), so my dad encouraged me to just drop out and get a GED.

In the years since, I like to think I've kind of grown into my own man a bit. I'm still overweight, but I'm trying to watch what I eat, and usually go jog every night. As well, for some reason people seem to genuinely like me; I've got no idea why, though I definitely do my best to be "the funny guy". And, for some other unknown reason... I seem to attract exactly the kind of women I'm not interested in.

A few years ago, I fell for my sister's best-friend (and strange enough, it was my best-friend's sister). Obviously, it was never going to work out, and for a long time, it really bothered me. I'm not sure when it happened, but I eventually became indifferent to it, maybe even "okay". Still, I think the experience has left me slightly jaded, which probably shines through as I have a fairly sarcastic sense of humor.

The thing is... I really want to be "The One". I know it probably sounds really cheesy, maybe even effeminate, but I really want to find someone. Funny thing; I've never been in a relationship. It's strange, it used to keep me up at night, but now I just accept it for what it is. I mean, you can't exactly blame girls for not being terribly attracted to a heavy-set ginger; I've let go of all the bitterness that I used to carry.

Yet, at the same time... well, not to be too crass, but I do get a lot of "offers" on the rare occasions I make it out to a party. Just earlier tonight, I actually had two girls literally pulling my arms towards a bedroom. I don't mean to sound like I'm bragging or anything; I supposed it's just confusing to me. What's maybe even more confusing is something that, quite honestly, I would never dare tell a soul.

I'm a virgin.

The great irony in my life is that, when I was in high-school, I used to get really depressed that I couldn't find a girl who would want to sleep with me. Now, though, I find myself actually shooting-down girls looking for a one-night stand. Just like tonight, I told them "Lemme go grab my drink", and just never came back. It's not as though I panicked or wasn't attracted to them, it's just... I dunno, that's not what I'm looking for, I guess.

That's a fairly common occurrence, but then later tonight, a girl showed up. She was pretty enough, sure, but we got to talking and joking around, and I really just warmed up to her. We talked a bit hear-and-there through the night, but I really got the impression she wasn't interested. For some reason now, I just can't get to sleep, trying to decipher what I'm doing so wrong.

I mean, it's probably weird enough that I'm not excited about having potential partners, I suppose. But it scares me to death to think that I might never be the kind of guy that a woman would view as "husband-material". It's really strange, considering I've always been pegged as "the nice guy". Yet here I am, having ditched a threesome, and now I'm losing sleep over not being able to find a relationship.

This probably all sounds really stupid to most guy -- this is typically something I think a lot of us associate with a "Woman's problem". And really, I don't know what I'm expect any of you guys to say. I guess... I'm just starting to lose faith that I'll ever find any sort of "Love", to the point I'm considering just giving up.

Really, any responses are welcome. Don't worry about hurting my feelings; I've got pretty thick skin.

[Dirgon]

The simple truth is you aren't doing anything wrong.

Too many people think it's their problem, that they're screwing up. I'm a firm believer that there's someone for everyone, and it just takes time to find that someone.

I know because I was more or less in your boat (without the girl's essentially throwing themselves at me bit, because I didn't put my self in the position for that)

The point is to be yourself, and let things fall into place. Turning down a one night stand is fine if it isn't your cup of tea.

A lot of people will probably tell you to just suck it up and do it, because you want to get "the jitters" out before you meet the so-called "one"

That's bullshit. It doesn't matter how many skanks you sleep with or pursue if it doesn't make you happy, and it doesn't matter how many turn you down for dates or end a relationship because in the end they weren't what you were looking for.

Keep your chin up and keep looking, but don't expect it to just "happen." You need to make a move, talk to people, etc.

Also: Online dating websites. Sounds cheezy, lame, etc. Worked for me, worked for my friend, worked for others I know. Personally, I met my wife on match. I'm introverted and don't do well in social situations, so it worked out perfectly for me. I'd find girls who were interesting, I'd send them e-mails, and see where it went. I actually met my wife at the height of a "fuck this shit" attitude, which if anything made me more bold and finally realize I had nothing to lose.

Note: I'm a fat, introverted, shy, social-situation hating nerd. I found a woman who didn't care about that and loves me for (most) of it.

Edit: if anything you have a confidence problem. You'll know if a girl isn't interested, usually because they'll tell you, but it seems to me you get the feeling they aren't and freeze up.

[Letmesleep]

OP, it's not so odd in my eyes. My pictures are less than stellar, but I'm actually very well built and attractive in real life. Girls check me out a lot but I am also a virgin (at 27!). I could very very easily find someone to shag, but that's just not me. I want "The One" too. I was raised around a culture that just didn't give it away at the drop of a hat, and ultimately I think it's better. I think it's healthy to view sex as something more serious (if it was just some innocuous physical activity, people wouldn't go so batshit crazy when their partner cheats on them) and really aim to make it special. Not everyone will agree with me and that's ok. I'm not like my parents anymore though, if I was deeply in love again, I'd probably nail her HARD. I just don't want to have meaningless sex. I'm in it for the long haul. In any case, I'm single because I'm more interested in dying than living which doesn't seem to be your case. Just be confident and put yourself out there, you'll find someone who's right for you.

Dirgon gave some great feedback. If I were to try for another relationship, I'd go the dating website route too. Seems like a solid service.

[Lilfrier]

Admittedly, I didn't read all of this. I read a good chunk of it, and will try to read the whole thing as I type my post. I'll kind of cover things as they stuck out to me:

--Being a virgin: I'm sick of how people rag on people for being a virgin. I've never seen sex as a measuring stick for anything beyond desperation, honestly. I have never been impressed by those who talk abotu sex, it more bothers and sickens me that people belittle something meant to be meaningful. Not to say I'm perfect and my mind never wanders that way, but I hate that it does, I honestly do. So when you say you're a virgin, I'm happy. I'm glad you don't want to give into meaningless one-night stands.
--Homeschooling: It sucks that your parents failed at giving you a stable home life or education. At least you've seemed to do something of a decent job with the hand you were dealt on that front.
--People liking you: Hey, be glad for that. I'm the exact opposite, mostly from my own actions. I don't come off as approachable, and that's semi-intentional, since I'm such a reserved person.

The whole relationship stuff is rather interesting, to be honest. Wanthing to be "The One," sounds good. That you have a goal of being meaningful to someone is good. I'm sort of the same way, honestly. I never have dated, and never feel compelled to in any way. Personally, I just don't want to do anything like that unless I already know the girl really well. I feel like dating is trivialized nowadays, and it leads to a LOT of bad breakups. I see dating as investigating the possibility of marriage, not just hanging out with a girl in general, which is how it's treated. That's called a friendship.

You're pretty similar to me in the sexual aspects of your life, I thik. You're just a likable version of me, haha.

[Banzhe]

I'm a 24-year-old guy.

In the years since, I like to think I've kind of grown into my own man a bit. I'm still overweight, but I'm trying to watch what I eat, and usually go jog every night.

A few years ago, I fell for my sister's best-friend (and strange enough, it was my best-friend's sister). Obviously, it was never going to work out, and for a long time, it really bothered me.

I suppose. But it scares me to death to think that I might never be the kind of guy that a woman would view as "husband-material".

I guess... I'm just starting to lose faith that I'll ever find any sort of "Love", to the point I'm considering just giving up.

I've edited your post to make it slightly easier to get an overview over, and to keep the lines that stuck out. (for me anyway)

I'll start with the line I've bolded since that is tied into everything else you wrote.., confidence!
This is the prime thing that girls respond to, not confidence in the sense where you come of arrogant or full of yourself (which judging by your post isn't you anyway), but knowing and being comfortable with who you are while having a nice, relaxed attitude.

Your only 24 years old mate, you really shouldn't be obsessing about finding a life long partner at this stage, granted your childhood may have left scars that may have an impact on everything, but as you said.., your letting go off all that.

Drawing this from what you said about your best friends sister, it seem's like your over analysing potential 1-night stands / relationships, you need to let go.., and if you get the feeling that the girl your having a good time with is looking for a 1-nighter, run with it if you feel in the mood for it.., if your feeling is telling you the girl is looking for a relationship, keep having a good time with her and see where it leads, not in the sense that you should just jump into a relationship, because if she really feels the same.., that feeling will still be there for a great deal of time after that night.

Being a virgin is no sin, it's the one thing that everyone on earth have had in common at one point or another.., yet it seem's like your cheating yourself from valuable experiences that is well worth it when you find that special person.

[Deleted]

You should of just had the threesome. You'll definitely regret that decision later in life.

Virginity isn't something "special" to be cherished. And there won't be magical fairies flying around your bed if you save your first time for a relationship. You're just depriving yourself of sex for no reason....

[Kirse]

You should of just had the threesome. You'll definitely regret that decision later in life.

threesomes can easily be found looking in online classifieds for your area. Not that I'm an expert on this...

[Fenixdown]

You should of just had the threesome. You'll definitely regret that decision later in life.

Virginity isn't something "special" to be cherished. And there won't be magical fairies flying around your bed if you save your first time for a relationship. You're just depriving yourself of sex for no reason....

Boom. This thread is now officially resolved. Next!

No, but seriously, if some chick wants to bone you, let them bone you. Women are two things in this world, neither of which I will say out loud without getting hit with a ten ton banhammer. Dr. Dre, however, will tell you for me (also, Ben Folds Five...because piano covers of rap songs is the shixnite).

[Deleted]

threesomes can easily be found looking in online classifieds for your area. Not that I'm an expert on this...

Haha. But those threesomes are with a 50 year-old fat dude with AIDS and his shemale partner.

I mean cmon. What straight, single guy would turn down a NORMAL threesome with 2 girls? Not many that I know.

[Deepsidedj]

Maybe you like men.

[Dragonix80]

You should of just had the threesome. You'll definitely regret that decision later in life.

Virginity isn't something "special" to be cherished. And there won't be magical fairies flying around your bed if you save your first time for a relationship. You're just depriving yourself of sex for no reason....

Do not listen to this guy. This is extremely bad advice.

[Deleted]

Do not listen to this guy. This is extremely bad advice.

How exactly is it bad advice? Care to elaborate? :/

[Deleted]

there's nothing wrong with turning down a threesome whatsoever, if you're not interested in that one night stand kinda thing then that is fine. Don't let people tell you otherwise. Overall I don't think there is anything wrong with you, nor are you doing anything wrong, you just have a different perspective to a lot of people, probably a better perspective in fact. If you are looking for a meaningful relationship then you probably will have to be active in that somewhat, as another poster mentioned; relationships don't just happen.

[Pickynerd]

You're 24, stop trying so hard. Granted most people in your gen got laid in the 5th grade, but you didn't, it's not a bad thing.. You will find someone, just don't force it.

Btw.. Try and be more positive, that whole "I'm fat" crap wont help you at all. Other than that, if you're "fat" so your probably funny as hell, and that is a plus.

[c1nn4m0n]

Don't work yourself up too much about sex. There is too much emphasis on it, and it's really not that big of a deal.

Think about what kind of woman you would like to end up with, and then think about what man she would likely be attracted to.

Maybe it's getting healthy, fit, a good job, your own hobbies, etc. If it's anything that you think will improve your quality of life, go for it - but don't change for someone else, it has to be to benefit you!

[Deleted]

Haha. But those threesomes are with a 50 year-old fat dude with AIDS and his shemale partner.

I mean cmon. What straight, single guy would turn down a NORMAL threesome with 2 girls? Not many that I know.

Plenty, considering that not every guy is driven entirely by what swings between their legs. Not to mention, not every man (or woman) is into men or women that are loose and ready to throw themselves around. Sex is generally overrated to the point that it often clouds what makes a genuine and steady relationship work.

[Claymore]

Hmm, well it's definitely interesting hearing other people's advice. Still not sure what to make of my whole "situation" or anything, but it's good to get feedback from all sides.

[Spectral]

Desiring to be the "The One" is almost all of the problem. There's no such thing as The One, just a subset of people who are sufficiently compatible to serve as lifelong partners. You can set your standards at different levels, but expecting a One (or to be the One) is setting yourself up for failure.

I'd really, really recommend having some casual relationships, possibly with some casual sex (BE SAFE THOUGH). This will improve your comfort in social and physical interactions, and when someone you can round up to One comes along, you'll be more likely to recognize it and break through.

---------- Post added 2012-07-01 at 03:49 PM ----------

Don't work yourself up too much about sex. There is too much emphasis on it, and it's really not that big of a deal.

In the context of relationships, this is wrong. While obsessing over sex isn't a good idea, it actually is quite important to most relationships (with the exception of asexuals and people with very low sex drives).

[Rukh]

Sounds like you're going to parties and have friends and stuff. I say go with the online dating. Should do you up right.

[Lefthandpath]

i might start by asking yerself "why do you want to be 'the one'"

ever considered the possibility that as far as relationships/love ect goes, the grass is greener on the other side?

never define yourself based on the acceptance of others. thats the first step