[Relationships[ - Not sure how to deal with her (Communication & Insecurities)

[munchkin]

With an awesome girl, however, recently, I'm seeing some things coming out that has me a bit concerned. Since we both work and have our own schedules, we've agreed to talk at least once a day. However, recently, it doesn't seem to be enough for her and she wants to talk 2-3 times a day. Me, personally.. I'm not big on talking on the phone. I'd rather chat it up in person. Anyhow, when she doesn't hear from me more than once, she gets worried and freaks out unnecessarily. I have told her countless times that communication is a TWO-WAY STREET and that nothing is stopping her from picking up the phone and reaching out. I told her that while I have my phone with me, I don't use all my free time calling people randomly. She thinks I'm losing interest in her and I told her that is NOT the case.

Anyhow, another thing I've noticed is that whenever we're together and we meet up with other people, if I talk to (friendly, NO strings attached) or even look at another woman (not even googly eye staring, just casual glances because they happen to pass by), she will later text or call me and ask if I think she looks beautiful or what features I like about her the most (physically). While I am generally happy with the relationship, the primary recurring themes of not calling enough or her constantly asking what I like about her is starting to irritate me. She tells me she is confident in herself and knows her worth and beauty on the inside and out, but alot of the questions she asks me makes it seem other wise.

Basically, how do I remain firm with her and let her know how I feel about those two things without being a douche? She is EXTREMELY sensitive and is having a rough week at work so I don't want to add anymore flames to the fire.

[Liagala]

TL;DR: She's lying to herself about having self-confidence, and there will never be a good time to have this talk. Maybe give her a couple days to see if the "rough week" issues calm down, but otherwise just rip the band-aid off and get it over with.

Real Answer: She wants to be self-confident, and she has convinced herself that she is, but she isn't. She's looking to you for validation, and to prove to her that she's as awesome as she wants to believe she is. This may be something that will fade with time if it's caused by something specific - an ex boyfriend who constantly put her down, a major event that shook her, or something like that. Far more likely though, she just hasn't learned to truly like herself. While some people do eventually sort that out, you can't wait forever to see if she's going to do so.

Talk to her, tell her how much you like her, mention specific things about her looks and personality that you adore, then tell her that her lack of self-confidence is becoming a problem. For her sake and yours, don't do that stupid guy thing where they refuse to argue with a woman because they don't want to upset her. It doesn't help. Whether she starts yelling at you, crying at you, or anything else, don't drop the subject and back down. You can pause it for a minute to remind her of all the awesome things you just said, but go right back to the real topic after.

If she argues that she is very self-confident, tell her that her actions don't support her words, and give specific examples - not just what you said here to us, but in terms of "Last Thursday you saw me talking to Julie and were very self-conscious that night. You asked me what I like about you four times." Stuff like that. She can tell you you're full of it if you say, "Any time I look at another woman you freak out," but she can't fight with specific dates/times and actual words that were said. If she's ready to change, she'll realize that this is a problem and start to improve (slowly, but she will). If not, there's nothing you can do to make it happen.

[Neetz]

You can't love someone until you learn to love yourself first. Confidence issues are so terrible and mentally draining, for both parties. If you are really serious about this lady and want to make this work, I recommend just trying to help her feel better about herself. She doesn't sound very confident to me and as the above person said, looks to you for validation. If she needs to ask you how you feel about her and what you prefer about her physically, maybe you're not telling her enough? Give her no reason to ask, pay her some compliments, tell her she looks wonderful every day, tell her what you love about her, not just physically, but everything else.

As for the talking 2-3 times a day part, again she is probably paranoid that your attention is elsewhere. This takes two though, she needs to learn to trust you so she has to put some work in, you can't take the whole haul. Open up more to each other and be honest. Tel her exactly how you feel.

Remember, a man says one thing, and a woman hears another (and vice versa)

What man says - "Nothing is stopping you from picking up the phone and reaching out."
What woman hears - "I cba to ring you and so it's your fault."

We are very strange creatures!


Good Luck!

[Daelak]

With an awesome girl, however, recently, I'm seeing some things coming out that has me a bit concerned. Since we both work and have our own schedules, we've agreed to talk at least once a day. However, recently, it doesn't seem to be enough for her and she wants to talk 2-3 times a day. Me, personally.. I'm not big on talking on the phone. I'd rather chat it up in person. Anyhow, when she doesn't hear from me more than once, she gets worried and freaks out unnecessarily. I have told her countless times that communication is a TWO-WAY STREET and that nothing is stopping her from picking up the phone and reaching out. I told her that while I have my phone with me, I don't use all my free time calling people randomly. She thinks I'm losing interest in her and I told her that is NOT the case.

Anyhow, another thing I've noticed is that whenever we're together and we meet up with other people, if I talk to (friendly, NO strings attached) or even look at another woman (not even googly eye staring, just casual glances because they happen to pass by), she will later text or call me and ask if I think she looks beautiful or what features I like about her the most (physically). While I am generally happy with the relationship, the primary recurring themes of not calling enough or her constantly asking what I like about her is starting to irritate me. She tells me she is confident in herself and knows her worth and beauty on the inside and out, but alot of the questions she asks me makes it seem other wise.

Basically, how do I remain firm with her and let her know how I feel about those two things without being a douche? She is EXTREMELY sensitive and is having a rough week at work so I don't want to add anymore flames to the fire.

How much do you love her? How long are you willing to be by her side while she figures herself and what she wants out? Can you live with her calling you 2-3 times a day?

[munchkin]

How much do you love her? How long are you willing to be by her side while she figures herself and what she wants out? Can you live with her calling you 2-3 times a day?

That is fine, but she needs to realize that I am not paying attention to my phone 24/7. If she reaches out and I don't get back to her "in a reasonable time" she begins to panic. She was never like this before we started dating - why is this happening now? It caught up off guard and didnt really start until recently, so I want to "nip it @ the bud" before it gets worse, but given her nature, its a matter of how I approach this.

[Palmatum]

How old is she, 14?

Sounds immature as fuck.

[munchkin]

How old is she, 14?

Sounds immature as fuck.

24. Got out of a painful 3 and a half yr relationship 3 years ago. I would assume she would have been completely healed from pains of the past by now, but maybe I was wrong.

[Funky303]

Well.. one thing that worked twice (2 different girlfriends) for me is shopping clothes with her. Change her style a little (or even a lot if she likes it) and tell her she's awesome and other people will notice it too. So she gets self esteem out of it.

[Liagala]

She was never like this before we started dating - why is this happening now?

Could be that she's always been like this, but only directs it toward her significant other - the person that most people feel they should get the most support from.

Could be that she's all insecure because she's falling for you but isn't sure how you feel. That period in a relationship when you realize you're falling in love with someone but no one is saying that big, scary L-word can be a little unnerving.

Could be that something else unrelated is screwing with her head and this is how her stress from it is surfacing (sounds odd, but my fear of flying started after my father died - turned out to be a reaction to having to take care of my handicapped mother, and the stress from having to be in control of her life as well as mine. The control thing was the issue. You can't control anything if stuff goes wrong in a plane, and that freaks me out now, where it never did before).

Could be that some asshole friend of hers said the wrong thing at the wrong time and planted the idea in her head that you may be cheating or may not like her or whatever.

Whatever it is, it likely won't go away on its own. Talk to her, even if you feel like an ass bringing it up. Be caring and reassuring and complimentary, but be firm too.

[munchkin]

We both like each other ALOT - but I don't know when the other "L" word is appropriate. I don't want to move too fast.. could that be the issue?

[Deleted]

We both like each other ALOT - but I don't know when the other "L" word is appropriate. I don't want to move too fast.. could that be the issue?

She sounds desperate as hell in many respects, based solely on what you've said.

Everyone has "gotten out of a painful relationship" at some point, or all the damn time. You're right in that she should have gotten over it, if she still hasn't then there are greater underlying issues that I'd be unwilling to deal with that early in a relationship.

[Tuvok]

Welcome to the world of emotionally damaged, unstable and weak people. It is up to you to decide whether you will be there to strengthen them or decide that it would not be a fruitful endeavour for either of you to persist. You are the one in power so you make the choice.

The thing about being emotionally damaged or weak is that is not always the fault of the person, and doesn't always mean that the person is not worth bothering with. In fact, just as there are so many dickhead emotionally stable people that fuck everyone else over for a pasttime, there are also emotionally weak people who will never fight their own corner and just try to live in peace. You have it lucky in the way that you person has room to grow, where as the opposite only has room to realise how much of a cunt they are.

I don't know any of the details here, and I need them in order to make a judgement. But from what I have gathered, you are an emotionally stable person, she is not but you still consider her to be worth keeping. So be responsible in your position of power, and be kind, considerate, and intelligent. You never know, with your loyalty and support she could become the wife that you spend the rest of your life with.

[Tauton]

"Whatever it is, it likely won't go away on its own. Talk to her, even if you feel like an ass bringing it up. Be caring and reassuring and complimentary, but be firm too. "

She likes you a lot and is very worried that you will leave her - it shows how much she cares about you. If you care as much about her, sit her down and talk it through with her, tell her the 'issues' but tell her you want to help work through it (if you really do) and give suggestions but also ask her for some.

It's a 2 way thing but as someone said above, it sounds like her self confidence was really hit with the ex and she is looking to you for support, a time will come when she stops worrying, you may need to give more than you are really comfortable wtih for a while, but it should be worth it in the end, but only give more if she knows you are, because otherwise you will give lots now, then ease off to 'normal levels' and she will think you are backing away, even when you are not.

Communication is the key.

Good luck

[Cthulhu 2020]

Compromise about the communication thing. She's a girl, she's not gonna wanna hear that she should be the one reaching out to you. It should be a two way street. Make an agreement that you're both going to contact each other more, and hold up your end of the bargain. If she stops calling you or initiating conversations, tell her that you need to hear from her more. If she flies off the handle at you for wanting her to put in as much work into the relationship as you do, time to drop her.

Relationships require work from BOTH sides, and both sides should always talk about problems if they have them and then work towards a compromise where both participate in the solution. If one is refusing to participate, it's time to move on.

[munchkin]

Thanks all. I'm going to talk to her tonight. Called her yesterday but it was a bit late, so I want to make sure she's fully attentive. This is also something I want to do in her presence, and not over the phone.

[FusedMass]

Looks like she has some self esteem issues. Hence why shes so intent you calling and texting her back and telling her that she is pretty. Its simple to reassure a person that they are pretty. If you have to just fake doing it (people do it all time)

[munchkin]

Will be talking to her about this tonight. Will remain firm but re-assure her that she's fine and needs to portray the confidence that she says she has (and I believe she has it in her).