The Abridged Life of Maiev Shadowsong

[Breccia]

High Priestess Dejahna: As I lie on my deathbed, I declare the new high priestess of the Sisters of Elune is...
Maiev Shadowsong: Ooo pick me, pick me! I've been destroying demon invaders of the Burning Legion left and right!
Dejahna: ...Tyrande Whisperwind. Arg....(dies)
Tyrande: Well, I don't really want to be in charge, but I'll accept anyhow.
Maiev: Urg! She took that job just to spite me. I hate that witch.
Jarod Shadowsong: You said "witch", sister? You know you can just turn the chat filter on, then turn the air blue as your face. I'll let you figure out the settings while I go on a scouting exped--
Illidan Stormrage: Oh no! Here I am, all making a second Well of Eternity behind everyone's back, and I've been discovered! Arcane NOOOOOOOVAAAAA!
Almost All of Jarod's Soldiers: Arg...(dies)
Jarod: Natural 20! Made my save! I'm just unconscious.
Tyrande: Illidan's trying to blow up the world again! Get him!
Illidan: I could never fight, you, Tyrande. For you see, I love you.
Malfurion Stormrage: Nuh-uh! I saw her first, which is pretty hard to justify as we're twin brothers.
Maiev: Wait, hold on. Am I the only character here who's actually trying to defend the world and its inhabitants, rather than being paralyzed by some soap-opera love triangle? I'm pretty sure that makes me the best-written character in this entire saga. Also, since Illidan just murdered a bunch of night elven soldiers in addition to blowing up the world, I'm just going to execute him on the spot.
Malfurion: No! Instead, we will imprison him for all eternity, trapped in a barrow tomb jail deep underground.
Maiev: And you think an infinite time in a cold, dark pit, alone forever, is somehow more merciful than a quick and clean death? Whatever. I'm forming the Watchers, a group of rare-elite law enforcers, whose mission in life is to keep Illidan from escaping.
Jarod: Hey, thanks for avenging my near-death, sister. I'm stepping out for a bit, want anything?
(Thousands of years later)
Maiev: Ugh. All this Illidan-not-escaping is getting boring. I guess it wouldn't hurt to take our high-quality hunter-trackers and chase down other dangerous criminals with our super martial skills.
Illidan: I've been freed! Also, I'm a demon with Sargeras' power and understandably homicidal after eons of imprisonment!
Maiev: What the hell? Who killed all these Watchers and sprang a vicious murdering monster?
Tyrande: It was me!
Maiev: Ugh! I hate that witch. Come, Naisha my close friend and second-in-command, and Watchers, my adopted family, we will chase this demon to the ends of Azeroth!
Naisha: At your side, my closest friend and ally for thousands of years!
Unnamed Red-Shirt Night Elf Runner: You might need a messenger, so I volunteer to...wait, I don't have a name? Oh...crap, I'm going to die horribly, aren't I?
Illidan: I can't take on Maiev in fair fight. Satyr! Naga! Slow them down while I murder the crew of this boat and take to the high seas!
Henchmonsters: We sacrifice our lives to Illidan for reasons that are never fully explaaaaarg (die en masse)
Maiev: We'll follow Illidan on these merchant vessels! Apparently my tracking abilities know no limits, such as following a ship I can't see over open water with no tracks. Basically, I'm Chuck Norris, with warglaives.
Lady Vashj: Welcome, Maiev, to the Broken Isles. We naga are former night elves, turned into twisted reptilian monsters by the explosion of the first Well of Eternity. Now we pledge our allegiance to Illidan, who tried to make a second Well of Eternity. I'm just going to let that irony sink in for a while.
Maiev: Meh, whatever. Hey look, the Tomb of Sargeras. I bet Illidan's in there. Naisha, Watchers, with me! Unnamed red shirt night-elf runner, you stay alone out here, unguarded, with this army of naga allied with Illidan.
Runner: (sobs hysterically in fear)
Illidan: Ahah! The Eye of Sargeras, which fortunately is some kind of jewel thingy, because otherwise this story about mass-murdering demons for the power of a world-destroying dark titan would get a tad edgy!
Maiev: Time to die, demon! You're cornered, there's only one way out, and it's through us!
Illidan: That's right, one way out, which I'm now caving in, trapping you all inside! And with that, I teleport to freedom! *BAMF* Oh, hey, unnamed red shirt night-elf runner.
Runner: WHYYYYYYYYYY
Maiev: Oh yeah? Well I have the power to teleport, too! *BAMF*
Naisha: Wait, you know how to teleport and you never taught us? Ok, that's cool...we'll just hang out here with our thoughts and our rapidly depleting oxygen...no biggie...
Maiev: Runner, go get Malfurion for help! I'll clear the way by slaughtering a million billion naga. Because, you know, Chuck Norris, warglaives.
Malfurion: I got your message, because it is time to bring my brother to justice. Um, again.
Tyrande: And I came too!
Maiev: Oh...yay...man, I hate that witch. Well, let's chase Illidan down. We'll start by slaughtering another million billion naga. Hey, looks like Illidan fled by boat again, let's follow him.
Kael'thas Sunstrider: Night elves, you must help me! My caravan is trouble, the undead have suddenly stirred up and gone berserk. It's as if some massive demon with a titan artifact deliberately designed to sow death and destruction showed up just recently. Or something.
Maiev: Yes, so logically the most important thing to do would be take out the source by killing Illi-
Tyrande: Of course all three of us will drop what we're doing to help!
Malfurion: Actually I'm going to talk to these trees for a while. You two ladies will be ok with this complete stranger and his small army, right? Kay, cool, zzzzzzzzzz.
Kael'thas: Huh. Well, let's head to Pyrewood Village. Once I drop off my caravan, my army will assist you in hunting down Illidan.
Tyrande: The undead are ambushing us! I'll defend this narrow, derelict bridge and bring down massive amounts of destructive magic centered on me, which will...wait, what's that ominous creaking and groaning sound?
Bridge: Massive damage from destructive spells! My only weakness! *SNAP* (dies)
Tyrande: Damn you substandard craftmanshiiiiiiiiii...... (splash)
Kael'thas: Huh. I guess it wasn't those pants that made her butt look big. Well if we jump in we can probably save--
Maiev: Nope, she's dead. I never liked that witch. Let's go hunt down a world-destroying demon.
Kael'thas: Um... you sure? She wasn't wearing metal armor--
Maiev: BRIDGE FALLS EVERYONE DIES. Besides, world-killing demon, kind of a big deal. Let's get to Dalaran already.
Malfurion: I got to Dalaran first, somehow! Maybe the trees told me about this completely magic non-natural city out of spite or something. Illidan's in there, surrounded by a million billion naga. Let's go capture him.
Maiev: Capture, not kill? You do know Tyrande's dead, right?
Malfurion: What? Tyrande's death, barely incidentally related to Illidan's release (which was completely Tyrande's fault) drives me to rage far more than his attempt to blow up the world! Let's kill him!
Maiev: Thrall's Balls! I'm tired of fighting naga.
Illidan: Ow! Ow! You've pummeled me into submission yet again! Man, I really suck at this.
Malfurion: For your crimes against Tyrande, and I guess technically the entire world, Maiev, execute him.
Illidan: What? Tyrande's dead? I feel sorrow and remorse for this, despite it not in any way being my fault, and also, if I blew up the world, that'd technically kill her, too.
Kael'thas: Actually, Tyrande might not be dead. She fell into a river.
Maiev: DUDE! You totally narced on me! Good luck getting into the Alliance!
Kael'thas: Yeah...about that...
Malfurion: So, you lied about Tyrande? Who's the Betrayer now?
Tyrande: And we're letting Illidan go free!
Maiev: Man, I HATE that witch. Hoooooooold up. Just stop RIGHT there. Let me get this straight:
A) Illidan goes behind everyone's back to create a second Well of Eternity, something that could KILL US ALL.
B) When he was discovered doing this, he MURDERED a lot of night elf soldiers to conceal his crime.
C) When he was illegally sprung from prison, he fled to the coast and stole a ship, MURDERING its crew.
D) Then he goes to the Tomb of Sargeras to get another powerful evil magic artifact.
E) When confronted by law enforcement, he MURDERS them. Then steals ANOTHER ship.
F) Seriously, this list keeps going on and on. Naga, satyr, undead? Hello?
Meanwhile I, while chasing down an escaped murdering demon, which Tyrande released by the way, lie about her death. And you're calling ME the Betrayer, and letting HIM go? You're going to be THAT much of a nepotist to release your psychotic, nihilistic brother who killed hundreds, maybe thousands, of innocent people?
Malfurion: Yep.
Illidan: No backsies! *BAMF*
Maiev: A portal to Outland? Quick, soldiers loyal to me, follow him! *BAMF*
Naisha: So you're not sending help, then? Sigh...well I guess nice knowing you...and stuff...
Illidan: Oh come on! Can't a sociopathic killer get a break? Ow ow ow!
Maiev: Gotcha! Now to imprison you, rather than execute you, for some reason! Hey Kael'thas, you're just in time to help me defeat yet another million billion naga.
Kael'thas: Actually, I'm turning on you. Blood elves and naga, release Illidan!
Maiev: Fine. Hey 25 adventurers! Want loot? Pwn that guy!
25 Adventurers: Okay.
Illidan: Ugh...without me, your life will be devoid of meaning...the huntress is nothing without the hunted...(dies)
25 Adventurers: Ooo! Transmog!
Maiev: Huh. Wonder what he meant by that. Oh well, back to the day job. I'm sure there will be some call for a law-enforcement officer who is dedicated to saving the world from people who try to destroy the world.
Jarod: I'm back after 10,000 years. Did I miss anything important?
Malfurion: We, the night elves, will be taking into our midst the Highborne, best known for starting the War of the Ancients--
Maiev: OH FOR ELUNE'S SAKE! I think it's time I GO LOOPY-DOO BONKERS INSANE and start MURDERING all these High Elves! Muahahaha!
Malfurion: ...any idea why she just did that?
Tyrande: None. I never liked that witch.




Unnamed Red-Shirt Night Elf Runner: Holy crap, I lived!

[TheHappyHozen]

This epic post has been approved.

Edit: I also now feel strangely compelled to roleplay as this Unnamed Night Elf Red-Shirt.

[Xalzel]

10/10 would read again

However, Illidan wasn't ripping the world apart, just trying to destroy the Frozen Throne in an attempt to amend for him crimes. However everything was amazing

[DeeTwelve]

Sheer brilliance!

[Sigmar]

This just reinforces the fact that Tyrande's a murderous psychopath. And people still think A Little Patience was out of character for her?

[Windfury]

10/10

I can't help but love Maiev, really hoping she doesn't turn into some mediocre boss :<

[Deleted]

This was amazing and so funny. Reading it all like this does make me question the character writing and the sheer foolishness of Malfurion and Tyrande. I think we can agree the Night Elves could use a better leader. :P Hahaha I love Maiev. I've always been jealous of how cool she looks. She's probably the only Night elf character I've ever liked. I was always disappointed with their representation in WoW. I'd play one as a main if I didn't dislike the other aspects of the Alliance. :P

[FuxieDK]

....stopped after 10-15 lines...
Not funny.. Not even mildly amusing...

[AeneasBK]

10/10 Very good

[Oneru]

Very amusing, well done.

[Deleted]

Fuck if I'm reading that massive wall of text, you should consider making it a machinima.

[Snorri]

Meh, stopped reading after a few seconds. Boring.

[Deleted]

This was awesome Well done OP.

To be honest I never understood why they wanted Maiev fully evil, her commitment to law was what made her an interesting character, as well as her inner conflict of following the known law versus Tyrande and Malfurion's laws, which were slightly nonconformistic. It's a sort of conflict between the written law and the leader's interpretation of the law. Which was what made her interesting.

[Deleted]

Excellent post!

[Neurodilation]

LOL. I loved it.

[Amirila]

Haven't laughed like that in a while

[Deleted]

This just reinforces the fact that Tyrande's a murderous psychopath. And people still think A Little Patience was out of character for her?

I don't understand how is it reinforcing that... there's only one instance in the post where Tyrande does something that could be interpreted like that, which is attacking the Watchers, but, you have to think it in medieval terms and from the ruler's view. You are the ruler of your people, the enemy of your people is attacking you, spreading fear and chaos and some subjects refuse your orders and even attack you. I believe it's quite obvious that leaving them means others will leave your army hoping to bunker down in caves, you'll look like a weak leader and people will stop following you thinking they have the right solution instead. Plus, since they're attacking your forces at this time instead of following orders, these watchers were, in the end, traitors. Yes, Illidan had been imprisoned there, but the Legion was a worse threat.
It's like in real life aliens attacked and threatened to kill all so someone would gather all people who know how to use guns, and they'd go to prisons too and the guards would attack them instead of joining them. Yes, the prisoners getting guns is dangerous, but the aliens wiping all out is worse and the criminals would get that.

[Celista]

Hilarious and true You should do a series on silly lore, there's a lot of it out there (a lot of good stuff too, but still).

[fenixazul]

May we have "The abridged life of Garrosh" too?

[Al Gorefiend]

Meh, stopped reading after a few seconds. Boring.

I honestly skipped to the end to see if there was some kind of punchline, looks like elf fanfic and doesn't offer much discussion.