Saying Sorry To Quell A Grudge

[Tommy T]

Could be an interesting topic.

Firstly, my story.

My father is a very, very stubborn man. He's confident and has a lot of pride. I on the other hand am very open and willing to change my thoughts and opinions. I can accept if I'm wrong and can/will apologise to the people who I have wronged. My father finds this extremely difficult. He's the type of person who would blurt out "I TOLD YOU SO! I WAS RIGHT WASN'T I?". I've been on the end of this many many times when I was growing up as a lot of people know, it's not a nice feeling. However, whenever I was right about something and he was wrong, I kept it to myself.

Anyway, we had an argument. He's now holding a grudge against me and hasn't talked to me for three weeks. I swore at him (Fuck off) when he called out my girlfriend in the above manner. Normally, I would hold my tongue, but he did it in such a malicious way, it upset her and annoyed me that he would have the audacity to shout at my girlfriend who's only ever been friendly to him. It really didn't need to be done, but that's the way he his and he will never change. Perhaps you'll see that I was in the wrong by swearing at him when I could have gone about it in a different way. Whenever I told him to not act like the way he does, he tells me it's "my problem".

I don't feel I should apologise but I'm fed up of this poisonous atmosphere and might just do it, to return the harmony. He will never back down. He sticks by his guns, even if they're wrong. Perhaps that's debatable, but in my view and the way I have been brought up, I see it as his error.

TL;DR - Do you think I should apologise for something that I believe I don't need to for, to end a three week grudge?

I will probably apologise eventually just to get it over with.

[Tradewind]

Was he right?

[dd614]

If he was maliciously rude or negative to your girlfriend and you feel he was totally in the wrong you have nothing to apologize for. Sounds like you need to limit your ties with your father. You can still love him without having him be a huge part of your life. If the man is a negative force in your life and your girlfriend is a positive force, who do you really want to stand beside?

Look at it from this perspective: If he instigated and he was wrong and HE doesn't feel the need to apologize, that tells you what you need to know. Don't just apologize because he'll take that that he was right and you will further look like a doormat. Let him apologize to you.

[Deleted]

Was he right?

that's more like it champ

- - - Updated - - -

Could be an interesting topic.

Firstly, my story.

My father is a very, very stubborn man. He's confident and has a lot of pride. I on the other hand am very open and willing to change my thoughts and opinions. I can accept if I'm wrong and can/will apologise to the people who I have wronged. My father finds this extremely difficult. He's the type of person who would blurt out "I TOLD YOU SO! I WAS RIGHT WASN'T I?". I've been on the end of this many many times when I was growing up as a lot of people know, it's not a nice feeling. However, whenever I was right about something and he was wrong, I kept it to myself.

Anyway, we had an argument. He's now holding a grudge against me and hasn't talked to me for three weeks. I swore at him (Fuck off) when he called out my girlfriend in the above manner. Normally, I would hold my tongue, but he did it in such a malicious way, it upset her and annoyed me that he would have the audacity to shout at my girlfriend who's only ever been friendly to him. It really didn't need to be done, but that's the way he his and he will never change. Perhaps you'll see that I was in the wrong by swearing at him when I could have gone about it in a different way. Whenever I told him to not act like the way he does, he tells me it's "my problem".

I don't feel I should apologise but I'm fed up of this poisonous atmosphere and might just do it, to return the harmony. He will never back down. He sticks by his guns, even if they're wrong. Perhaps that's debatable, but in my view and the way I have been brought up, I see it as his error.

TL;DR - Do you think I should apologise for something that I believe I don't need to for, to end a three week grudge?

I will probably apologise eventually just to get it over with.

You should apologize if you care about your family and wanna maintain a good relationship with ur old man. I'd probably do it

[Tommy T]

I'm somewhere in the middle between both of your points. Veering slightly to Taftvalue's.

[speehs]

Having dealt with someone like that all my life, I can tell you that apologizing will only perpetuate their behavior, if not worsen it. I'd suggest standing up for yourself rather than lying down and taking it just to keep the peace again. Sometimes you need to rock the boat to get some respect, you just have to be willing to accept things being uncomfortable for a while.

[Tommy T]

Having dealt with someone like that all my life, I can tell you that apologizing will only perpetuate their behavior, if not worsen it. I'd suggest standing up for yourself rather than lying down and taking it just to keep the peace again. Sometimes you need to rock the boat to get some respect, you just have to be willing to accept things being uncomfortable for a while.

He will literally never speak to me again then. He's that stubborn.

[Forgettable]

He yelled at your girlfriend. That's wrong. He's obligated to apologize.

You swore at him. That's wrong. You're obligated to apologize.

Just because he won't fulfill his obligation doesn't mean you shouldn't. I've had the EXACT same situation with my father (albeit different causes for said grudge), but I eventually apologized and meant it. You should too because it's the right thing to do.

[Jester Joe]

Personally I would apologize, but make it clear you're only sorry for cursing at him, not for being angry. I don't believe he was in the right to do that personally.

[speehs]

He will literally never speak to me again then. He's that stubborn.

I understand it's not easy to potentially sever ties with someone you love, even if they don't treat you well. Perhaps you can compromise, then. You could apologize for your outburst, but communicate in some way that you're tired of his behavior, and at the very least, you don't want him to act that way toward your girlfriend. Otherwise, like I said, he'll just keep doing it.

[Destruktion]

My parents taught me to apologize to someone if I have wronged them. If you didn't do anything wrong (it doesn't really look as though you did) then you don't need to apologize.
Maybe apologize for losing your temper and swearing, but that's it.

[v2prwsmb45yhuq3wj23vpjk]

You should apologize for swearing at him but also tell him that you felt what he did was also wrong, that him shouting at your girlfriend was uncalled for.

[weedburst]

your dad sounds like a dick. if u want ill get my dad to kick his ass for you.

[Kickbuttmario]

I'm not the best person to give advice as I don't have a close relationship with anyone in my family. In fact, not a lot even. It depends on what family means to you. So if you want to bring harmony, talk to him about it.

[Tradewind]

Can't determine shit without knowing the details of the argument.

[Endus]

This isn't that difficult a question.

Is this a big enough deal to cut ties with your father? He did attack your girlfriend without warrant, which is a significant lack of respect, and there's reason to find that unacceptable.

If yes, stay the course. You feel you're in the right, and either he'll come around and apologize, or he won't and you're better off anyway.

If no, then swallow it down and apologize for telling him to fuck off. It sucks, and you may very well be in the actual right, but if it isn't worth irrevocable damaging your relationship with your father, why keep going?

There's too much unknown background for me to tell you which is the right answer. But that central question is what it's really about.

[Sketchy]

"Dad, I wanted to talk to you about what happened a few weeks ago. You hurt my girlfriend's feelings and IMO she didn't deserve the reaction you presented her. I'm calling to say I'm sorry for swearing at you about the situation but I won't back down on the part where you bullied my girlfriend. We're going to have to find a way to get along. You say my issue with you is "my problem" but the reality is that the situation started with you. You didn't need to go over the top. Sometimes being quiet about being right is a much more enjoyable experience for everyone involved. I really hope there's a way we can work this out, I don't want you out of my life."

Something like that? Apologize for swearing but stay strong about the actual situation. You're both human, both entitled to feel/act/speak as you please but when it hurts innocent parties, something has to be said. Keep the initial conversation with him short, let him know you're sorry for your actions but still disappointed in his. You essentially put the ball in his court, if he chooses to throw it in the stands then it's his issue not yours.

Sorry about your troubles, stubborn people are frustrating.

[Symphonic]

Personally, I would want my father's blessing when I make decisions that are important. If you don't care, then the answer is no, you shouldn't have to apologize.

If you do care, and by posting on this thread it makes it seem like you do, you should at least apologize for yelling at him. Chances are, he doesn't know what to do to solve the problem, and he should also apologize for attacking your girlfriend like he did.

[Deleted]

I'll tell you my POV on this situation when my dad gets back, from the shop, 18 years ago...

He only went to get milk guys, he's coming back right? ;_;

I'd definitely go with Endus on this though, whilst i'm not in the best of relationships with my family i do treasure it; However, attacking a friend or partner of mine with no valid reason, would at the very least make me tell them to fuck off.

[Deleted]

He will literally never speak to me again then. He's that stubborn.

You're probably better off that way.