[ Family Problem ] Was my reaction bad?

[a C e]

Hello guys,

A few months ago I decided to take some courses in the city where my grandfather lives and he was kind enough to let me stay at his house where also 2 of my uncles and my cousin live at for the entire duration of my courses ( 6 months ).

My problem arose when I started to have a conflict with my cousin who is 23 of age. During my stay there I noticed that she doesn't show any respect for her grandfather, father and uncle, she does not help in any of the house chores and she has entire control of the house. Her attitude and personality irritated me even more because she was kind when she needed something and rude when people wanted favors from her, but I tried to be as passive as possible because I was a guest in their house.

Meanwhile, In my little spare time I tried my best to show them that I am thankful for giving me a home to stay at by doing many of the household chores and showing as much respect as possible to them.

One day while we were all sitting in the family room, my grandfather asked her several questions about her new job and he asked her how much are you earning per hour and she rudely told him " its none of your damn business you should know better that I don't like to be asked these questions", at that moment I reached my limit and started shouting at her and telling her "that's not the way you should be talking to your elders", "you should be a more responsible person by taking more responsibilities at home", "you should be more kind and less two faced" and finally I told her " you are a fucking disgrace and you are just taking up space in this house"

After all my venting, I noticed that nobody was agreeing with me and they were basically fine with her being this way and I decided that it was wrong for me to be in a negative environment and decided to spend the remainder of my visit at a friends house. I feel guilty now because I think I did wrong shouting at her because I should not get involved in their own family matters even though I always had a very close relationship with my grandfather and uncles since childhood.

When I went back a few days later:

I went back to my granddads home to apologize to hear and tell her that I was sad because of her behavior and I just wanted to give her some advice, and she bursted at me in front of everyone " You don't have the right to advice me, i dont even take advice from my dad who are you to tell me this " then she told me " everyone things that you are the shittest person in the family ". I smiled and I told her your right and I am sorry, goodbye. the she told me " wait until i show everyone your true colors " which I replied thank you.

Then I thanked my granddad for his hospitality and left. they were all shocked at her.

Edit:
-Her profession is acting ( theater ), he wanted to ask her how many tickets she sold.
-I come from a collective society ( Iran ), we value family a lot and respect for elders is very huge here.

Edit 2:

- She has a habit of responding in this manner, it wasn't just because the question was sensitive.
- Her career makes her have a lot of free time so she has the time to do house chores, but she sits all day chatting or talking on the phone.
- She even responds like this to strangers.
- ONE MORE THING: she always says that her mother's family is better than her fathers family ( my grand dads family ) and they still treat her like an angel


Should I have not shouted at her ?

What was the best way to deal with the situation?

[Deleted]

In most of Europe it is considered vulgar to ask how much someone earns, so I am going to side with her on this one.

[Puupi]

No, you did right. It's not your fault your family consists of idiots/dicks and you shouldn't feel sorry for saying that aloud.

[Yunru]

Well asking some1 how much money it makes is kinda rude tho. (is she jobless?)

[ladylin]

Yelling doesn't help. I would suggest apologizing to the grandfather and uncle. Have a civil chat with them and explain why you yelled. They may know her behavior is a problem and choose to ignore it. That's all that can really be done at this point.

[Puupi]

In most of Europe it is considered vulgar to ask how much someone earns, so I am going to side with her on this one.

Asking "someone" is different from your grandfather asking you. If grandfather asks, you answer.

[a C e]

In most of Europe it is considered vulgar to ask how much someone earns, so I am going to side with her on this one.

I'm from Iran, we have a really collective society. Also he asked because he was worried that she is not earning enough :/

[maulgryve]

She seems like a twat, but you shouldn' have had your outburst. If it bothered you they perhaps discuss it with him in private instead of assuming everyone shared your opinion.

[Deleted]

Well asking some1 how much money it makes is kinda rude tho. (is she jobless?)

Yes, if it was a stranger. It was her grandfather that asked her...

[a C e]

Well asking some1 how much money it makes is kinda rude tho. (is she jobless?)

Actually her profession is theater acting, he wanted to ask did they sell enough tickets. I though it may be irrelevant to mention this

[Deleted]

Asking "someone" is different from your grandfather asking you. If grandfather asks, you answer.

At the family dinner table? No, if he asks in private that is one thing, but he did it openly.

[a C e]

At the family dinner table? No, if he asks in private that is one thing, but he did it openly.

the people in the room were, me, her, grandfather, her father and my uncle. 4 of them are living together all their lives. If you look at my original post she is always rude.

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It's his house. If he's fine with it, it's really not your place to say otherwise. Besides, reasoning she should behave differently based on him being older than her, as opposed to the fact that he's letting her stay there, was a really weak argument. Respect for elders because they're elders is stupid.

Respecting someone who has raised you and your father isn't stupid, although yes its their house and i should have not have gotten involved.

[Mouri Kogorou]

wait, i thought your grandfather and uncles are part of your family, then why are you treating them as not ?

[ladylin]

Again I suggest apologizing to your grandfather and uncle. Have a civil chat and calmly voice your opinion.

[N-7]

You shouldn't have been involved in something that isn't your business. Let them sort things out and if you really wanted to help, you wouldn't have shouted anyway. By doing that, you disrespected everyone setting at the table.

[Kuntantee]

...finally I told her " you are a fucking disgrace and you are just taking up space in this house"

Up until this point, I was like shit happens in every family once in every while but even if its your grandfather's house, it's not up to you to decide who is taking up space and who is not let alone stating it in a disrespectful manner in front of your elders. Also, I am not sure why you say "kind enough" for your grandfather. His default behaviour should be inviting you to house to stay...

[Blueobelisk]

You're so wrong lol on so many levels. If everyone is fine with her doing what she wants then leave it.

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Yes, if it was a stranger. It was her grandfather that asked her...

That's even worse. Family you live with and see. A stranger you'll never see again so who cares if you tell them some number.

[Ossandran]

I don't think you did a damn thing wrong.

but I mean, if people want to be stupid, not much you can do about it

[Krommm]

Unless they specifically said to cater to her, then she really needed a wake up call. Most people get really butthurt when you ask them how much money you make in most societies though, so I guess there is that. She sounds like a princess that they don't do anything about. (aka she is nice when it suits her, but otherwise a real pita) I have a half brother who is the same, really bipolar and is generally unliked.

The best way to handle the situation would of been to ask her in private if you were genuinely curious though.

[vindicatorx]

No, you did right. It's not your fault your family consists of idiots/dicks and you shouldn't feel sorry for saying that aloud.

No, he did wrong it's not his house not his rules and no one asked for his opinion. If they let her act that way he is not responsible to fix her bad behavior.