Roommate is cheating with a married man; none of my business?

[Celista]

TL, DR: see thread title.
TL, DR2: yes it's another of Celista's "blog posts", if you don't have anything constructive to say then you don't need to comment.

My roommate and I have been getting along really well for the last year. We were friends before moving in together and basically get along great. She's an MFA student and I work for a nonprofit so joint living is to our benefit (rents in Portland are fairly high at the moment).

She identifies as poly and sees one guy regularly and other men from time to time; maybe once a month or so.

The only guy that comes around the place sometimes is someone she's been seeing for the past two years. Right after we move in together (within the first month), I found out that the man in question was married. I was immediately uncomfortable with this, but she had stated that this guy and his wife were "also poly" and had a long laundry list of reasons why she felt seeing him was OK...according to this dude his wife no longer sleeps with him, has mental health issues (apparently she's quite depressed), and is "abusive". I don't really know if this is true or not, I do know that she makes a nice six figure salary, the guy works part-time and his wife bought him a bright yellow convertible as a birthday present last year.

I asked my roommate if his wife knew that this dude was seeing her and she said that "if she wanted to know, she would know by now". So I left it at that.

Fast forward to a week or so ago, when my roommate comes home clearly upset. Apparently the dude's wife found out about my roommate, became EXTREMELY upset and told him to break it off. I was nice and comforting, but told my roommate that maybe it was for the best and hopefully the two of them could remain friends.

Anyway, today I woke up at 6am to take a shower/get ready for work and guess who I see sneaking out of my roommate's bedroom...

Basically I am now very uncomfortable about this, don't know if I should talk to my roommate or not or how I should go about doing so.

Our lease is up in September, I like the place but my roommate wants to shop around (with me) for a new place that is larger/with an enclosed backyard. She has said several times that she thinks that I am the best roommate that she has ever had and that she would like to keep me around. I am content staying where I am, the rent is a very good deal for Portland right now. I also like our friendship/having her as a roommate. I am *open* to moving with her, but I am also worried that this relationship will continue and that it will affect our relationship.

I also kindof feel like at this point his wife (I know who she is on FB) should know what is going on, but I also feel like that it would likely be WAY overstepping my bounds to say anything to her.

I am not poly and I feel like I am pretty open-minded in regards to other people's relationships, however I have a very hard time with cheating as I feel that it is hurtful to go behind someone's back in a relationship and have never had the inclination to do so personally.

Anyway, just wondering if anyone had any advice as to whether I should talk to my roommate and how I should go about doing so, or am I making a big deal out of nothing.

[GrinningMan]

TL, DR: see thread title.
TL, DR2: yes it's another of Celista's "blog posts", if you don't have anything constructive to say then you don't need to comment.

My roommate and I have been getting along really well for the last year. We were friends before moving in together and basically get along great. She's an MFA student and I work for a nonprofit so joint living is to our benefit (rents in Portland are fairly high at the moment).

She identifies as poly and sees one guy regularly and other men from time to time; maybe once a month or so.

The only guy that comes around the place sometimes is someone she's been seeing for the past two years. Right after we move in together (within the first month), I found out that the man in question was married. I was immediately uncomfortable with this, but she had stated that this guy and his wife were "also poly" and had a long laundry list of reasons why she felt seeing him was OK...according to this dude his wife no longer sleeps with him, has mental health issues (apparently she's quite depressed), and is "abusive". I don't really know if this is true or not, I do know that she makes a nice six figure salary, the guy works part-time and his wife bought him a bright yellow convertible as a birthday present last year.

I asked my roommate if his wife knew that this dude was seeing her and she said that "if she wanted to know, she would know by now". So I left it at that.

Fast forward to a week or so ago, when my roommate comes home clearly upset. Apparently the dude's wife found out about my roommate, became EXTREMELY upset and told him to broke it off. I was nice and comforting, but told her that maybe it was for the best and hopefully the two of them could remain friends.

Anyway, today I woke up at 6am to take a shower/get ready for work and guess who I see sneaking out of my roommate's bedroom...

Basically I am now very uncomfortable about this, don't know if I should talk to my roommate or not or how I should go about doing so.

Our lease is up in September, I like the place but my roommate wants to shop around (with me) for a new place that is larger/with an enclosed backyard. She has said several times that she thinks that I am the best roommate that she has ever had and that she would like to keep me around. I am content staying where I am, the rent is a very good deal for Portland right now. I also like our friendship/having her as a roommate. I am *open* to moving with her, but I am also worried that this relationship will continue and that it will affect our relationship.

I also kindof feel like at this point his wife (I know who she is on FB) should know what is going on, but I also feel like that it would likely be WAY overstepping my bounds to say anything to her.

I am not poly and I feel like I am pretty open-minded in regards to other people's relationships, however I have a very hard time with cheating as I feel that it is hurtful to go behind someone's back in a relationship and have never had the inclination to do so personally.

Anyway, just wondering if anyone had any advice as to whether I should talk to my roommate and how I should go about doing so, or am I making a big deal out of nothing.

You're gonna have a hard time making rent when your room mate ends up floating down the river because she was being pounded by a crazy woman's hubby.

[Tinykong]

Its none of your business, and if you don't want to move, don't move. Renew the lease with a new room mate.

[Spectral]

She identifies as poly and sees one guy regularly and other men from time to time; maybe once a month or so.

Yeah, so do a lot of trendy, high-social status people that want an identification other than just plain ol' promiscuity. She's not a slut, she's just poly! It's an orientation, so you can't judge that!

Anyway, I think your instincts that this guy is just cheating are correct. I think your not-quite articulated instinct that your roommate is doing something immoral is correct. In my general view, this wouldn't be sufficiently immoral to not consider this person a friend, but it probably would be enough that I would be disinclined to live with her. Having a parade of new sexual partners that have questionable ethics and a high possibility of conflict isn't how I want to live my life.

[Deleted]

Record their sessions, extort both of them.

[Celista]

You're gonna have a hard time making rent when your room mate ends up floating down the river because she was being pounded by a crazy woman's hubby.

I can afford rent on my own (although I'm trying to save as much money by having a roommate), but yeah. I'm definitely worried about the potential of some sort of dramatic situation. :/

[Darkeon]

Exactly. "None of your business".

It's okay to be against whatever someone else is doing and having an opinion about it, though. So judge the "slutty"- erm... poly room-mate at will.

[EternalBany]

she identifies as jack fucking shit

she is a cheating whore, simple as.

None of your business though, save yourself real trouble and focus on your life

[Independent voter]

Save it for when you get into a fight and are yelling at each other.

"Oh yeah? Well you were screwing that married guy. You know what they call that? Slut!"

[GrinningMan]

I can afford rent on my own (although I'm trying to save as much money by having a roommate), but yeah. I'm definitely worried about the potential of some sort of dramatic situation. :/

Well, it's going to be dramatic, you just have to choose the lesser of evils here. First thing is first, look out for -you-. Not your room mate, because honestly she wouldn't put you through this garbage if she gave two shits about you.

[Celista]

Yeah, so do a lot of trendy, high-social status people that want an identification other than just plain ol' promiscuity. She's not a slut, she's just poly! It's an orientation, so you can't judge that!

Anyway, I think your instincts that this guy is just cheating are correct. I think your not-quite articulated instinct that your roommate is doing something immoral is correct. In my general view, this wouldn't be sufficiently immoral to no consider this person a friend, but it probably would be enough that I would be disinclined to live with her. Having a parade of new sexual partners that have questionable ethics and a high possibility of conflict isn't how I want to live my life.

Thanks, Spectral. And yes, you were correct in your statement regarding my views.

[GennGreymane]

Its none of your business. I mean you can tell your roommate you disaporve, but what can ya do?

[Celista]

Well, it's going to be dramatic, you just have to choose the lesser of evils here. First thing is first, look out for -you-. Not your room mate, because honestly she wouldn't put you through this garbage if she gave two shits about you.

Yeah that may be a good point...she is a nice person but definitely has more of a self-centered mindset. Thanks for your input

[Mistame]

Anything outside of your "roommate" relationship is none of your business, frankly. Also, he is cheating. She isn't.

[Boreaz]

Should have made a poll, but yeah none of your business. Unless, of course, it starts to seriously effect the living arrangement.

[Jotaux]

I'm not sure how to make a post that would not be incredibly insulting to your roommate and the person she is seeing. I'll defer to @derpkitteh 's opinion on cheaters.

If it was me? I would get out of there asap and find some way to let the wife know. I know I would want to know if my significant other was cheating on me. Sure, its none of your business but neither are a lot of things we involve ourselves in. It's none of my business if someone needs blood but it doesn't stop me from donating.

- - - Updated - - -

Yeah that may be a good point...she is a nice person but definitely has more of a self-centered mindset. Thanks for your input

A nice person yet sleeping with a married man whose wife does not approve.

[greeeed]

DO you know the married man and his wife?
Are they your friends or stranger?

If stranger then don't interfere or you will be hated and blame by both side.

[Gib Lover]

Well, at this point the wife could do something like follow him to where he is going and vandalize where you live. But that's about the only reason I can think of to actually involve yourself. Beyond that, it really isn't something you should get involved in.

[Azadina]

Not these blogs again! D:

Just kidding I really think you might have to move on your own. That could end up really bad honestly... I wouldn't risk it with a new place.

[Puri]

Why would you even care? If you have a friendly relation to the husband feel free to tell him, if you don't know him (well) there is no reason to care.