[Movies] The Hobbit Trilogy (Possible Spoilers)

[Al Gorefiend]

This is a copypaste of a post I made on the "last movies you saw and what you would rate it" thread.

The Hobbit: Battle of Five Armies.

2/10.

Are spoilers allowed here? I'm not sure. This movie was terrible. It absolutely, positively left me almost offended that the LOTR trilogy can join the fate of Star Wars in that it had a prequel trilogy of absolute garbage. I actually liked the first and second Hobbit, they were well done (Well, I liked Desolation better than the first). My god, BOTFA was bad.

Smaug dies within the first 10 minutes of the movie in a ridiculously cheesy, 1 in a million shot with a makeshift crossbow involving Bard's son as the resting piece. After Smaug dies, literally nothing happens. Nobody even mentions it except maybe once or twice for 5 minutes after.

Theres a big scene involving Elrond, Galadriel and Saruman atop the spires of Dol Guldur facing off against the Eye of Sauron. Nothing is explained, it cuts to the scene, Gandalf escapes, and those 3 characters are never seen in the rest of the film.

There is no peril for the characters or suspense, as after the first half hour you realize the damn heroes are lucky against seemingly all odds. Whenever a character is *about* to be struck someone swoops in at the last minute to save them.

A bloody fucking ridiculous scene involving Alfrid (the king's corrupt little squire) dressing up as a woman and donning a pair of huge boobs stuffed with gold coins. Sound funny? Because it happens for no good reason and hardly gave the audience a laugh, it was cringeworthy.

Out of nowhere, suddenly all the Dwarves are riding WoW-style battle rams for mounts, crashing through the Orcs. There is NO. EFFING. MENTION. of rams AT. ALL. They don't appear ANYWHERE in the film. they just... they just appear, out of nowhere, the scene just cuts to them on the backs of these things.

Wyrms - these big, fire-breathing tunneling worms reminiscent of the Tremor movies. Pop up out of the ground, and everyones like "Wyrms! Run!" then they dive back into the ground. Do they reappear? No. Jackson must have run out of CGI at this point. The scene did nothing for the film but leave people wondering "Huh? What the hell were those things?"

Bard is never crowned king, the people of Lake-Town just disappear after the war, nothing happens.

The Dwarves that die, Fili, Kili and Thorin, have no funeral, despite it being a point of the book.

The gold! THE GOLD! Remember the gold in Erebor? Y'know, the whole reason they went to war in the first place? Not mentioned once after the war. No mention of how it is split up, no mention of the Arkenstone's future, no mention of the white diamonds of starlight that brought the Elves to the fortress in the first place. Nothing.

The entire build-up to Sauron and the forming of the nine wraiths is mentioned for about 10 seconds.

Bilbo never mentions the ring to Gandalf. Gandalf tells him "I know you had that ring the whole time, Bilbo" and Bilbo is like "Oh yeah, I'll take care of it".

Legolas defies the laws of gravity and physics. Its laughable. Like, jumping 50 feet into the air doing a backflip laughable. He hitches a ride on the wings of a giant Angmar bat that somehow magically takes him EXACTLY WHERE HE NEEDED TO BE AT THAT VERY SECOND.

Azog and the ice. Propelling himself from water and through thick ice (He couldn't break it after multiple smashes with his massive maul) like a majestic dolphin.

Tauriel, the female elf that forms the awkward love affair with Kili, is a completely bogus made up character by Jackson that hogs most of the screentime for the last half hour of the movie.

The 5th army - The Gundabad Orcs under Angmar, (okay, get ready to laugh, get ready to laugh at this one) are mentioned as this big, looming threat coming to Erebor. Gandalf is warning everyone that these horribly ruthless Orcs of the North are on their way and everyone panics and prepares for it....
...
...
...
They are in the movie for approx. 3 minutes until Eagles appear out of nowhere and 1 shot them.

If you want to endure this garbage. Please torrent it or wait until your stupid friend gets in on Blu-Ray and lets you borrow it in exchange for a ride to work. If you're an LOTR fan, do yourself a favor, don't pay Jackson for this.


Thoughts on this? I was so damn angry for seeing this in theaters. It was laughably bad. I'm no stupid uninformed critic either. I've read the Hobbit, I've started the Silmarillion (but damn if I'll ever finish it) I've watched LOTR dozens of times, I've read up on the lore of Middle-Earth to a T. DAMN THIS MOVIE SUCKED. SO. BAD!

The few things I did enjoy that warrant the 2? The music was still LOTR, the entire scene before the war involving Thorin's descent was good. The ending arc of Bilbo's return home was good. About it, really.

[Arrowstormen]

Thoughts on this? I was so damn angry for seeing this in theaters. It was laughably bad. I'm no stupid uninformed critic either. I've read the Hobbit, I've started the Silmarillion (but damn if I'll ever finish it) I've watched LOTR dozens of times, I've read up on the lore of Middle-Earth to a T. DAMN THIS MOVIE SUCKED. SO. BAD!

The few things I did enjoy that warrant the 2? The music was still LOTR, the entire scene before the war involving Thorin's descent was good. The ending arc of Bilbo's return home was good. About it, really.

You seem to have a thing against stuff not being mentioned enough.

[Arrowstormen]

Well, can you blame someone for finding it stupid that the ultimate plot of the book is omitted from the movie in favour of Matrix-like battle scenes?

Smaug had a large amount of screentime in the second movie, and is not the ultiemate plot of the book, the whole journey is.

[Deleted]

Thoughts on this? I was so damn angry for seeing this in theaters. It was laughably bad. I'm no stupid uninformed critic either. I've read the Hobbit, I've started the Silmarillion (but damn if I'll ever finish it) I've watched LOTR dozens of times, I've read up on the lore of Middle-Earth to a T. DAMN THIS MOVIE SUCKED. SO. BAD!

The few things I did enjoy that warrant the 2? The music was still LOTR, the entire scene before the war involving Thorin's descent was good. The ending arc of Bilbo's return home was good. About it, really.

Although i agree with alot of the issues you had with this movie - i still found the movie entertaining on its own terms.
It has been ~15 years and a similar amount of hours of Tolkien depiction and one of the biggest differences from the first LOTR movie to the last Hobbit, is how much Tolkien have faded out and Peter Jackson has taken over. A rough estimate - but i wouldnt be surprised if ~80% of the Hobbit movie is different than the book.
But if you forget the book for a few hours and just watch The Hobbit as a action movie for the whole family, it actual works surprisingly well imo.
I would give 5 Armies 7/10 as a Action movie.
But 1/10 as a Tolkien adaptation. PJ fails to bring the Tolkien feel alive. Many characters is new, and if not, they often act wrong or have had their dialogue changed. Gone is the adventure, the wanderlust, the melancholia when Bilbo in the end look back at it all and it feels like it all was one big dream.
But Jacksons Middle earth has other qualities. I personally enjoyed some of the more silly scenes - Stephen Fry is a old favorit of mine (Blackadder e.g), the big trolls head bursting walls was cool and the final fight btween Thorin and Azog worked well in my eyes. Smaug might have lost some of the paranoid genius flavour he had in the book, but he is also the most impressive dragon i ever have seen in a movie. I also liked Bard. He actual has a personality in the movie.

The first LOTR movie was probably as close to the book as can be expected while the director still maintains some artistic freedom - it was also the best of the movies.
The Hobbit trilogy on the other hand felt like Warner Bros` response to Disneys/Marvels Superhero succes. Probably also why Del Toro didnt get a chance to direct. Del Toros The Hobbit would have had less cgi and sticked closely to the book. As action flick in same family as The Avengers or X-Men i think The Hobbit works great.
But i hope that we some day will get a Tolkien version.

[Duronos]

Let's be fair though, The Hobbit was a much more barebones book than the LotR trilogy. I personally found the additions much better bar the weird Legolas climbing bricks.

[Al Gorefiend]

Let's be fair though, The Hobbit was a much more barebones book than the LotR trilogy. I personally found the additions much better bar the weird Legolas climbing bricks.

Its weird people keep mentioning this as the most jarring issue with the newest movie. Legolas is an Elf, he's a master acrobat, he's exceptionally light on his feet, he's a master archer. He maintained perfect balance and even pulled back a bowstring while on the back of both a Troll and Mumakil. It isn't horribly weird that he ran up the bricks.

How about Bard cruising down a hill in a wagon and launching himself like a bullet into a troll just barely missing his children? His character is so unbelievably lucky it plays like a Die Hard film.

I guess I didn't want an action blockbuster, I wanted another Lord of the Rings. In the end, I suppose I set my standards way too high for this film.

[Kasierith]

Its weird people keep mentioning this as the most jarring issue with the newest movie. Legolas is an Elf, he's a master acrobat, he's exceptionally light on his feet, he's a master archer. He maintained perfect balance and even pulled back a bowstring while on the back of both a Troll and Mumakil. It isn't horribly weird that he ran up the bricks.

How about Bard cruising down a hill in a wagon and launching himself like a bullet into a troll just barely missing his children? His character is so unbelievably lucky it plays like a Die Hard film.

I guess I didn't want an action blockbuster, I wanted another Lord of the Rings. In the end, I suppose I set my standards way too high for this film.

That was really the only part of the movie that I had a massive problem with. I'm sorry, but extremely heavily armed and armored orcs, a race that has been killing and slaughtering for their entire lives, set loose in a city full of fishermen and tradesmen? And the humans didn't melt away in under a second? Do people not know how hard it is to attack people in full plate armor? They would have been slaughtered in 15 minutes, if the orcs didn't simply wade through them. Going by the ability of a group of unarmoref untrained untested civilians to fend off an entire army of orcs, it's kind of like, wow, those guys in Osgiliath who were fully armed armored and spent their entire life fighting Mordor were a bunch of casual baddies.

[Nibelheimy]

Unfortunately with movies being made based on books this size you just can't expect it to live up to it 100%.

I've started treating stuff like this as if its like a marvel or DC alternate universe. The hobbit films, & the lord of the rings films are great, all of them. There was not one point when I saw any of the films where I complained, or moaned, I just enjoyed every second. I prefer the hobbit films to the book, I love the additions. If they made films which were 100% accurate of the LoTR books, & last hours & hours on end I'd support it, but it'll never happen.

The Hobbit trillogy is a good set of movies, its a nice prequel to the lord of the rings, its all lush. But its not the book, it is basically an alternate universe, & that's just fine.

[Al Gorefiend]

That was really the only part of the movie that I had a massive problem with. I'm sorry, but extremely heavily armed and armored orcs, a race that has been killing and slaughtering for their entire lives, set loose in a city full of fishermen and tradesmen? And the humans didn't melt away in under a second? Do people not know how hard it is to attack people in full plate armor? They would have been slaughtered in 15 minutes, if the orcs didn't simply wade through them. Going by the ability of a group of unarmoref untrained untested civilians to fend off an entire army of orcs, it's kind of like, wow, those guys in Osgiliath who were fully armed armored and spent their entire life fighting Mordor were a bunch of casual baddies.

Oh I agree. The scene with Legolas you had a massive problem with?

- - - Updated - - -

Unfortunately with movies being made based on books this size you just can't expect it to live up to it 100%.

I've started treating stuff like this as if its like a marvel or DC alternate universe. The hobbit films, & the lord of the rings films are great, all of them. There was not one point when I saw any of the films where I complained, or moaned, I just enjoyed every second. I prefer the hobbit films to the book, I love the additions. If they made films which were 100% accurate of the LoTR books, & last hours & hours on end I'd support it, but it'll never happen.

The Hobbit trillogy is a good set of movies, its a nice prequel to the lord of the rings, its all lush. But its not the book, it is basically an alternate universe, & that's just fine.

The first and second Hobbit films were good. This 3rd one should never have seen the light of day.

[Deleted]

A rage post that long and no mention of Bards annoying kids. Shame on you Humbugged.

[Al Gorefiend]

A rage post that long and no mention of Bards annoying kids. Shame on you Humbugged.

Not nearly as annoying as Tauriel and her turning every moment of her on-screen appearance into an awkward love triangle drama.

Kids were probably added as relatable characters for the kids in the audience. Nothing horribly wrong with that, except for the same fact that Kasierith pointed out - its a freakin' 10 year old looking kid stabbing Orcs to death like they're made of butter.

[Feali]

Not nearly as annoying as Tauriel and her turning every moment of her on-screen appearance into an awkward love triangle drama.

Kids were probably added as relatable characters for the kids in the audience. Nothing horribly wrong with that, except for the same fact that Kasierith pointed out - its a freakin' 10 year old looking kid stabbing Orcs to death like they're made of butter.

The kids are the best characters ever created compared to Russell Brand (Alfrid).

[Al Gorefiend]

The kids are the best characters ever created compared to Russell Brand (Alfrid).

I swear if he doesn't die in the extended version... The entire movie I was waiting for the most ridiculous death of Alfrid ever, like getting stepped on by a troll or something. The fact that he doesn't die angers me

[Howard Moon]

Well, can you blame someone for finding it stupid that the ultimate plot of the book is omitted from the movie in favour of Matrix-like battle scenes?

I haven't watched 5 Armies (waiting until I can borrow the bluray), but this is the exact feeling I got from the first 2 Hobbit films. Too much unnecessary and boring action filler.

[Arrowstormen]

I haven't watched 5 Armies (waiting until I can borrow the bluray), but this is the exact feeling I got from the first 2 Hobbit films. Too much unnecessary and boring action filler.

Bollocks, you can count all the action scenes on one hand for each movie.

[Magicalcrab]

Bollocks, you can count all the action scenes on one hand for each movie.

My problem isn't really with how many action scenes there are. The fault lies in the pacing and editing of those scenes.
A mixture of drawn-out action that loses the audience's emotional investment after a while, as well as weird tonal shifts, is what really brings these movies down a lot to me.

[Zoranon]

Bollocks, you can count all the action scenes on one hand for each movie.

Wrong. You can count the non action scenes on one hand in the 3rd and especially the second movie.

[Arrowstormen]

Wrong. You can count the non action scenes on one hand in the 3rd and especially the second movie.

If by action you mean movement, you're right. But otherwise, no.

Second movie action scenes:

Spiders

Barrels

Dol Goldur

Dragon

Laketown

[Deleted]

I wasn't impressed by the first two Hobbit films, the third one was better. But after watching the Fellowship of the Ring Extended Version again with my GF, we realized how much better the original LOTR movies where. Even in the extended Version you have less boring and unnecessary lengthened Scenes. Action Scenes are much more realistic and down to earth, CGI better (Hobbit overdid it multiple times imo), BETTER SOUNDTRACK, better storytelling (which goes hand in hand with the first point).

[Arrowstormen]

While I enjoyed the 150 minutes of BOtFA, Humbugged makes a few good points. Inventing storylines and characters but leaving important denouments from the book? No, I disliked that too. Especially since this part was hailed as mercifully short and to the oint. I'd rather have an ending like RotK where open questions were resolved and give me an extra 30 mins.

Extended Edition yo.