Difficulty with relationships at an advanced age

[Tennis]

Came across this...
@Mistame

I started dating a woman two months ago.

She’s divorced, 46, has a teenage son and 21-year-old daughter. Her mother, 80, and brother also live with her.

I told her I’ve been separated from my spouse for several years.

I’m 54 and live in my own condo. She’s visited me there several times, but no sex.

I plan to sell my condo, move to a less expensive place, and ask my ex to finalize the divorce.

Due to a career change, I’d recently taken a part-time/weekend job with long hours but didn’t tell my new girlfriend. I feared it’d harm the relationship.

I like her. Our dates were short and finding time was difficult due to her responsibilities.

We went out to cafes and coffee shops. I always paid (inexpensive). She never tried to pay.

Recently, she questioned and I responded that I’m not officially divorced.

She freaked out as to why I didn’t tell her this, partially accused me of lying, adding if she knew initially she wouldn’t have continued.

She ghosted me the next day, not calling or texting back. I emailed everything in detail. She agreed to meet once more.

She said that I’m not free if not divorced. And that my ex can have claims to my condo sale and to many other things.

Should I have initially explained my not having an official divorce?

How can I get her back?

In our age group, can love develop? Or are there lots of calculations for getting into any relationship?

Ghosted and Sad

--

You chose a woman with many responsibilities for children and relatives.

You were considering her seriously, yet only wrote that you “like” her. Meanwhile, you kept secret your true marital status and your weekend job.

Yes, there are complexities people consider when dating someone who isn’t “free,” including whether an ex is going to make financial and other demands on you.

There’s no magic potion that’ll win her back, but if you feel love for her, you should say so. And apologize for hiding the truth.

Next, start your divorce process. This woman won’t accept you otherwise.

Regarding the money issue: Time to reveal your weekend job and future work or career plans.

You need to learn if she’s interested in your money or just being practical when she expresses concerns about your ex and your condo.

https://www.thestar.com/life/advice/...ask-ellie.html

What do you make of this? Is age the issue? Or is it something else?
Seems like a scumbag move not to fully explain his situation at the outset.

[Celista]

As a woman I'd be highly skeptical of any man who intentionally hid the fact that he wasn't yet divorced from his wife. That being said, if he said he had been separated from his wife for several years, I'm not sure what she is upset about, as I (and probably most people?) tend to assume "separated" means "not yet divorced". If everything in the OP is true, then he was being honest with her.

Not really sure he's being 100% honest, however.

[StayTuned]

Again a bait thread but I'll bite.

Due to a career change, I’d recently taken a part-time/weekend job with long hours but didn’t tell my new girlfriend.

Recently, she questioned and I responded that I’m not officially divorced.

It's just more proof that age has absolutely nothing to do with being smart. This guy is an idiot.

Love knows no age, but being a lying shitlord does neither.

[Ghostpanther]

He should have been upfront and honest with her from the get go. So yeah, he was hiding a important fact about his circumstances. And age does not have a damn thing to do with it if they are both adults.

[Celista]

Also is 54 an "advanced age" now? Assumed the story was about someone in their 80s.

[Sunseeker]

Also is 54 an "advanced age" now? Assumed the story was about someone in their 80s.

Right? *shakes fist* Goddamn whipper-snappers thinking they're old!

[Tennis]

Again a bait thread but I'll bite.


It's just more proof that age has absolutely nothing to do with being smart. This guy is an idiot.

Love knows no age, but being a lying shitlord does neither.

Doesn't desperation kick in the older you get though? Maybe that's what he is referring to.

[Ghostpanther]

Doesn't desperation kick in the older you get though? Maybe that's what he is referring to.

Lol. No. Shit. You have a lot to learn and it may take for you to get old to learn them. :P

[Endus]

Not being up front about shit like this makes it seem like you've got something to hide. In the first couple dates, the "I'm not divorced, but my wife and I are separated and it's definitely 100% over" conversation needs to happen, if that's your situation. Otherwise, the person you're with has this thing hanging over the new relationship; will their new guy or gal decide they're NOT getting divorced? Because that can happen at literally any moment. And then you're just the side piece they were cheating on their spouse with.

Which a lot of people are not okay with. I wouldn't date someone unless their marriage was super 100% over. You don't have to have the documents finalized, but it better be because there's a mandatory wait period or something (standard here for no-fault divorces, 1 year wait time from filing), not because you just haven't bothered; that demonstrates that you're having a marital spat, not that the marriage is over.

[Torto]

Doesn't desperation kick in the older you get though? Maybe that's what he is referring to.

Not every single man over the age of 50 is a balding, pot-bellied, Porsche driving loser suffering from mid-life crisis you'll be surprised to know. And being older and experienced with women doesn't make you immune from making stupid relationship decisions either.

[Sykol]

So he told her he was separated, she lives with a troupe of family members and never offers to pay for dates, and she's the catch? It sounds like she just wanted some of his condo money and didn't realize she'd have to split it.

[Mistame]

@Mistame

I don't swing that way, son. Stop stalking me.

Seems like a scumbag move not to fully explain his situation at the outset.

He did. She was just too stupid to comprehend what he said:

I told her I’ve been separated from my spouse for several years.

This is literally saying, "I'm still married but we haven't been together for several years."

Also, "dating" is not a relationship. You don't spill your entire life story for someone while "dating". That is stupid.

This guy is an idiot.

He is, but not for the reasons you're implying. He's about to go through a divorce that will wreck his lifestyle and finances and he's dating a woman with two kids and her mother and brother are living with her? Yeah, that's pretty stupid. Throw in the fact that given her reaction, she was clearly looking for someone to support her and her family so yeah, he's an idiot.

Love knows no age, but being a lying shitlord does neither.

And apparently neither does reading comprehension.

[Endus]

This is literally saying, "I'm still married but we haven't been together for several years."

Also, "dating" is not a relationship. You don't spill your entire life story for someone while "dating". That is stupid.

The thing is, why is he still married?

As far as I'm aware, the longest you'd have to wait for a divorce proceeding is a year, in some jurisdictions, for no-fault divorces only. Why would you wait years? You get nothing out of it, it's a chain around your neck and nothing more.

Unless you hope you can work things out, at some level. That's the only reason to not push for the divorce to be processed and finalized.

[Mistame]

The thing is, why is he still married?

As far as I'm aware, the longest you'd have to wait for a divorce proceeding is a year, in some jurisdictions, for no-fault divorces only. Why would you wait years? You get nothing out of it, it's a chain around your neck and nothing more.

Unless you hope you can work things out, at some level. That's the only reason to not push for the divorce to be processed and finalized.

It could be for any number of reasons. It's a huge hassle and lawyers are expensive as hell. Why bother wasting the time and money unless it's necessary? Regardless, what's relevant is that she got upset in spite of him already telling her he was still married.

[Endus]

It could be for any number of reason. It's a huge hassle and lawyers are expensive as hell. Why bother wasting the time and money unless it's necessary? Regardless what's relevant is that she got upset in spite of him already telling her he was still married.

It isn't a bigger hassle than staying married.

If you're worried they'll take you for half your stuff, well, if you're married, they can effectively take you for all of it. Since it's shared property, unless you have a complicated legal arrangement, which I guarantee would be more fractious and expensive to set up than a simple divorce.

I'm divorced. My ex-wife and I split in a normal divorce, uncontested, it cost me $500 worth of lawyer time and filing fees, since we didn't try and dick each other over on our limited amount of stuff (we were still relatively young and finding our feet). It really wasn't that big a legal hassle, since it wasn't contested, took a couple meetings with the lawyer, and they took care of handing over the papers to the ex and filing on my behalf and all that.

Until you file for divorce or sue, if the absence of a prenup, anything you've got is considered shared property. So if you buy a condo to live in while you're separated, your still-wife owns half that condo. Even if you bought it with a downpayment from your personal savings.

If your relationship is so pleasant that you're not worried that they'll make that kind of claim, and you're not willing to just pull the band-aid, then I'm going back to the "it's not really over and you're holding out hope" point I made earlier.

If you're amicable, divorce isn't complicated or expensive.
If you're not amicable, not getting divorced is way more complicated and expensive than not bothering, in the long run.

I'm not really arguing that the lady's reaction was warranted; it seemed a bit kneejerk, but I'm just pointing out she had a bit of a point even so.

[Oakshana]

The thing is, why is he still married?

As far as I'm aware, the longest you'd have to wait for a divorce proceeding is a year, in some jurisdictions, for no-fault divorces only. Why would you wait years? You get nothing out of it, it's a chain around your neck and nothing more.

Unless you hope you can work things out, at some level. That's the only reason to not push for the divorce to be processed and finalized.

There are reasons sometimes.

My wife and I separated in 2004, I was 36. We have three children together. At the time They were 7, 3 & 2. We split because we had irreconcilable difference and our relationship had changed in the 12 years we were together. What worked in our 20s no longer appeared to work in our late 30s. This just happens to happen sometimes. However, for the most part we still got along. But we moved on. We had no intentions of getting back together, but there was merit in staying married as it allowed me to provide her with insurance benefits she otherwise could not have had. I was't interested in dating, and we weren't interested in getting back together.

I began dating someone I had known for several years in 2009. She knew I was separated and that we weren't getting back together, and she always understood the reason I hadn't divorced was for my ex's benefit. It was never a bone of contention.

However, in 2011, my new girlfriend and I had a child together. At this point, it made sense to finally file for divorce. And while my ex hated that she was going to lose some pretty damned good benefits, she understood why I needed to do it.

Yes. Most of the time it's pretty straightforward. You aren't getting back together, you should simply finish it. But sometimes, once in a while it's not so cut and dry and there are circumstances that drive people to not follow through immediately, even though they know they won't be together again.

As for your comment about "longest wait being a year"... that is not true in every case. It depends on the state, the couple and the circumstances, IE: children, property, etc. Some divorces can drag on several years.

[Mistame]

It isn't a bigger hassle than staying married.

It really depends on the circumstances. Hell, I would have put off mine just for the sake of convenience. I can't be bothered taking time out of my day to cater to a soon-to-be ex.

I'm not really arguing that the lady's reaction was warranted; it seemed a bit kneejerk, but I'm just pointing out she had a bit of a point even so.

She had every right to not want to date someone who wasn't divorced yet, but she was told, therefore her reaction was stupid and it made her point moot. Also, not really sure why people keeping hanging on this notion that marriage is "special" or something, especially when separated. It's just paper.

[Independent voter]

The fact that he didn't share the fact that he was still legally married means he knew it would be an issue if he brought it up. He wanted her to believe that he was single when he was not.

[Deleted]

I don't know what amount of hand-holding would lead her to believe that several years of separation still counts as married, but hey, that's modern culture for you.

[Mistame]

The fact that he didn't share the fact that he was still legally married means he knew it would be an issue if he brought it up. He wanted her to believe that he was single when he was not.

Except that he did. Literally:

I told her I’ve been separated from my spouse for several years.

Both words in bold are explicit references to still being married.