How long should you date before getting married?

[Phlegethon]

How long should you date before getting married?

Follow up:

What's the best way to propose or be proposed to?

Ad infinitum.
As a man, you are screwed if you get married.

[Boricha]

To be safe, I'd say 2 years, with at least 6-8 months of living together, but I know people are fine with less. I would also be at least late 20s and financially stable/able to support yourself.

[Captain N]

When it comes to time limits on important things like marriage, kids, or the daunting task of buying your first home there's a piece of advice my grandfather used to give me...

Life is like your car...your mileage may vary.

[unbound]

Statistically, the highest success rate (i.e. staying married) is getting married after 2 years of dating.

[grexly75]

Indeed. The good news is that 7 years down the line both are happily married and (I think) learned enough to not make the same mistakes again. Life can be incredibly shitty at times, but we're a resilient species and given time we get back up and things get better

Ahh that is good, that it had a happy ending of sorts..

[fenril3]

Got married after knowing each other for 7 months, never lived together until marriage and going on year 5 with 2 kids. When you know you know is what we say. Every relationship situation is different but seeing each other in the good/bad times, fun/boring times is important.

[klepp0906]

you shouldnt get married. society has made it a lose/lose for men. rare cases it can work, or be made to work, but thats never what it was supposed to be like. If your lucky and want to roll the dice, or have convinced yourself otherwise.. have at it, its your life.

If your being objective (and this is coming from a man married almost 10 years btw) dont do it. the deck is stacked against you profoundly. You have everything to lose and almost nothing to gain.

[Raelbo]

Follow up:

What's the best way to propose or be proposed to?

I am not going to pretend that this is "the best" way to propose, but it was the way I proposed and I think it was a pretty good way for us (YMMV):

I sneakily figured out her finger size, got advice from her best friend and from her sister and had a ring custom made. I spoke with her father to seek his blessing (I believe that her parents deserve that respect) but not his "permission" (I believe that idea is archaic and so does my wife) which he happily gave.

I very nonchalantly organised a weekend getaway for the two of us to a nearby nature reserve. Spent the day going on game drives, surrounded by nature, but staying in nice comfortable accomodation with great food (South Africa may have its problems, but our access to nature is second to none). After dinner in our room I took out the ring and popped the question. It was a slam-dunk.


Obviously, given the trajectory that our relationship was on, we both knew that we wanted to marry each other and we both knew that each other wanted the same. The timing was pretty much perfect. She knew that I wanted to ask her to marry me and I knew that she wanted me to ask, but it hadn't got to the point of anxious expectation. So although she was hopeful that maybe I would propose on that trip, she really had no idea or expectation that it actually would happen. Which made the surpise work for us.

And yeah, I was nervous as hell. Not because I had even a shadow of a doubt that she'd say yes, nor that I had any doubts about what I wanted, but because it is a big moment and I wanted to get it perfect. Definitely one of the biggest moments in my life and I am glad I did it the way I did it.

[Surreality]

Agreed. But that is what not why marriage (or something equivalent) is necessary in society. Marriage is there to deter people from intentionally abusing the trust that someone else gives them by making an insincere commitment.



Again, agreed. People fail even with the best of intentions. But there should be consequences for intentionally commiting to a marriage dishonestly.

I get what you're saying for the scenario you describe. This wasn't something I was considering when I said that one simply has to choose to spend their life with another. I know it happens, but in my crazy mind I just call that bad decision making. We are meant to learn from the bad decisions we make. That's how we grow as a species. But yeah, people that intentionally take advantage of and hurt people for their own gain should be buried under the prison.

[Soikona]

How long should you date before getting married?

Forever


What's the best way to propose or be proposed to?

Both parties coming to the rational conclusion that nothing lasts forever and it's probably against their self interest to sign a contract with the state just because you felt "in love" for a couple months.

Ouch. Fuck! I need a plaster. Cut myself on all those sharp edges.

[Faenskap]

I would say 2 years of living together. Of course, what I say and what I do are two completely different things. We had been together less than a year before we got married and in hindsight: way too early

[Khahirr]

You can "promise" to someone after 2 years of knowing them or at least 1 year of having lived together. However, I do NOT recommend getting married before a minimum of 5 years together, preferably even 10, and you MUST live with them for at least two consecutive years. The reality of dating in the current climate is that you WILL be used at some point and your partner's personality can EASILY be hidden for long stretches of time if they are patient enough. On top of that, people change during marriage, and naturally over time as well. 5 years is a good test to see not only how someone changes over time, but also how they might change after marriage as well.

There are several essential questions (perhaps red flags is a better term) you need to consider that should determine whether or not you should marry a woman and these questions will likely be answered sometime in the first 5 years of knowing them:

1. Does she push marriage on you?

2. Is she two-faced? Does she treat other people differently from the way she treats you?

3. Does she actively vote against your political interests, especially on the subject of race? This is more pertinent to mixed race couples.

4. Does she expect you to be THE provider and are you ok with that? Does she have a career despite that?

5. Do you both want kids? Do you both want kids but she does not want to get pregnant ever? If she does not want to get pregnant is she on birth control?

6. Does she ever push polyamory?

A lot of these should be obvious, but these are all important questions which need definite answers that will arise at some point over a 5 year span during which you've lived together at least two years. If you are uncomfortable with the answer to any of these questions, leave before you waste both her and your time any further. Anything short of 5 years leaves the possibility of an uninformed answer to these questions which could leave you getting blindsided.

[Guyv3r]

Ouch. Fuck! I need a plaster. Cut myself on all those sharp edges.

Logical edges can be tough! Make sure not to bleed out. Get well soon. xoxo

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Single I take it? Saltyboii

In a happy relationship, without marriage.
By looking at your post, i'm basicly in the same situation you are, but i don't want to get married and she knows it from day 1.

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tell me your story

Nothing to tell really. It's just my view on marriage.

People just see edge when i really think it doesn't make sense to get married... but i can't expect much from mmo-crowd.

[Tulune]

Dont see how marriage is nessicary ever. Just move in together, get a dog, have kids. Noned to spend months of wages on an expensive wedding. Spend that on one or multiple vacations instead!

Wedding don't have to be expensive. Mine was a cookout at my local state park. Only expense was food and the JP, and it was about 250 dollars total. OT, it really varies for each couple, but I'd say at least 3 years. I dated my husband for about 6 years before we decided, been married 5 years now and it's going great.

[Scathan]

Lonely mcCrybaby over here.

Lmao

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It is funny that everyone says live together first when this has been shown to hurt the success of marriage, and not help it. In reality, the time period is different for everyone. When you are ready to commit to someone and not ever give up on someone is when you should propose. Not just when you feel it.

[Soikona]

Logical edges can be tough! Make sure not to bleed out. Get well soon. xoxo

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In a happy relationship, without marriage.
By looking at your post, i'm basicly in the same situation you are, but i don't want to get married and she knows it from day 1.

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Nothing to tell really. It's just my view on marriage.

People just see edge when i really think it doesn't make sense to get married... but i can't expect much from mmo-crowd.

I call bullshit on all that! There is so much salt in all your posts, there has to be a story!

[Serath]

When my wife and i celebrated the 1 year anniversary of our first date we'd been married for about 2.5 months. No reason to hold off. Going on 5 years married now and everything's still going great.

[Guyv3r]

I call bullshit on all that! There is so much salt in all your posts, there has to be a story!

I don't do bullshit. Hence why my posts might seem salty.

[Soikona]

I don't do bullshit. Hence why most of my posts might seem salty.

Come on man, what’s the story? How were you hurt?

[Guyv3r]

Come on man, what’s the story? How were you hurt?

Shall i make a drawing or get a doll and point to where it hurts? xD