Beautiful mind

[Deleted]

maybe i misunderstood something but can you explain to me how this scenario worked out for you:
you tell her that it pains you knowing that she's getting fucked by another dude. then she says, yah babe but i have my needs. or what? how can you ever be ok with that?

[Funkyjunky]

And then these words got burned into my brain "Well, if he keeps this up for two more years, then I don't mind getting back with him" - And the braces will take 3 years... So I've offered to pay for the braces myself to prevent her from falling into some sort of trap. I mentioned it all for her, but.. She said she wasn't stupid enough to fall for something like that. I honestly believe that, but I can't help but worry...

Looks like that girl is playing a game. She now has 2 characters and is about to decide, which one is the best for farming gold.

[Extrakt]

Maybe the reason why you can't seem to explain what the image of her in your head is, is because it's not a realistic one.

When she said the 2 years thing, it basically meant that she thinks he is better then you at the moment, but she lacks trust.
If he is still the same in 2 years the trust is back and you are outnumbered. Now, you could and wait for 2 years and see if he screws up again. But the question for you is. Do you want to wait 2 years to see if he will become better then you or not. I wouldn´t OP, I wouldn´t.

[Deleted]

Well, two reasons: I had to let someone know and get opinions about it and also - I don't really get out what a person she is. There's so much more to her about how she behaves, what she has been through and what she has experienced. Really, she has been very unlucky with guys and all. She thinks I am wonderful though, and I know her plans are genuine. Although, the whole sex-thing is a bit overshadowing it all. I don't mean that it's a small thing, but just saying there's really just that one thing that makes her ... well a bad person? - which I then think is defeated by all the good qualities she has..

From a girl's point of view (if that even matters):
No matter how much shit you've had in your life, you don't treat people like that. It sounds like she accidentally made her ex jealous, and she likes the outcome of it (= getting attention from him). The odds of you two moving together anywhere in the world are pretty slim as neither of you seem to have the economy for it - and what would she do about her child? I understand she has needs, so do I and I was in a long distance relationship as well, but you don't need a real life person for satisfaction if you know that it's only temporary. As mentioned somewhere, she's either very immature or knows exactly what she's doing, and both are bad. When things are like this from start, you should know that you're only going to get hurt. The person you know now is the person you're going to be with in a relationship (if you succeed) - you're already "dating", and her bad behavior now is not going to change just because you add a different label to it. If I have to interpret what she's doing.. If she really believed that she was going to move in with you, she would be working towards that - and that includes calming things down with the ex.

P.S. You don't have to be with someone. Be on your own and wait for someone who makes you more happy than sad.

[Deleted]

Do you want me to be truly honest?

She sounds like the type of lady that always falls for jerks. She already fell 3 times for jerks and is about to fall once more for same jerk that was number 3. This shows that she didn't learn anything form her mistakes. The fact that she started talking less to you kind of shows the guy may be winning. So she let herself be fooled. Give her advice on it and tell her to ask herself this:
"would she rather stay with someone who cares about her and loves her and whom she likes too or would she rather stay with someone who has shown to be a cheater several times and broke her trust every time he could?"

And after you ask her that question... you need to ask it to yourself. Would you rather find someone who actually loves you, or someone who, while tehnically in a relation with you now, has sex with a guy who treated her like scum? I could understand she had "needs" or you two being in an open relation, but the fact that she sleeps with that one guy who broke her heart and treated her like trash shows that... this is not the case.

Have a longer discussion with her about the matter. If she says it's nothing and gets annoyed then just stop talking to her, since this means she's trying to make you feel guilty for bringing up a fair point. Or better yet. Tell her that if she remains with the dude he'll only cheat on her again, then break contact. She'll get all pissed but in a few months you'll get a message from her saying you were right.

Edit: just read all your responses OP to the thread, ask her this: if she felt so bad when her ex-current-ex cheated on her, how does she think you feel now knowing she has sex with a guy, and furthermore, with the same guy whom she says hurt her so bad?

[Deleted]

You could also link her this thread.

[Kerath]

I don't get good vibes from the situation at all.
I presume that she knows how you feel about her, she professes to care for you, yet she's fucking some guy that has already broken her trust on at least two occasions, she's already acknowledged that he's no good, yet she continues to share a home and her body with him.
DING DING DING!!!! The alarm bells should be clanging in your head right now.
Her 'having needs', is not an excuse. If she has needs she can buy a vibrator.

Do you really want to be with someone that puts her physical needs ahead of you? I know that the rush of love and infatuation can be a heady mix, but you really need to try and put that aside and look at the situation logically. AT the moment, everything seems to be about what's convenient for her. What about you? Doesn't she care that the thought of her having sex with another man is tearing you up inside?
Relationships are a two way street my friend, and at the moment you look like you're setting yourself up to be a doormat.
Aside from her actions with her "ex", do you honestly and truly believe that she is going to move countries and leave her child behind? Even if she doesn't have custody, I can't see a mother passing up the chance of seeing her child at all, can you?

[Stir]

The way I see it:
She's fucking around. You aren't fine with that, and you've said so. She's ignored your concerns by putting the responsibility on you. And you still follow her.
This is emotional abuse. It's control. It reeks of an uneven relationship.

In a hell of a lot of cases, a relationship that starts out with emotional abuse and control will, at some point, reach the level of physical abuse. And if you think you're safe because of the location of your gonads, then it might be good to remember that the whole male/female things isn't all that important, and, depending on culture, males are frequently the target of emotional and/or physical domestic abuse. So much so that the police has put up posters, addressed to male victims, in my neighbourhood.

The 'needs' she has seem to be emotional, by the way. The need to be loved, to be the target of affection. The fact that she's not too good at showing affection herself further raises the creep-o-meter. And if she gets away with this behaviour, she's good at making people feel comfortable regardless of her 'issues.' She's good at manipulating people. You might be dealing with a psychopath, here.
By the way, if her needs would be physical, a porno and vibrator would solve all the problems, right? She could just watch porn and help herself, like everyone does at some point (because physical needs do exist). You don't start sleeping around unless there's something wrong. Kerath is, as usual, completely right (in my opinion, anyway).
Apart from the child thing. If she ís a psychopath, she could very well leave the child behind without too much remorse.

[Seiken3]

Alright, some new replies since I last was on this thread. I came back to this post to let you guys know what happened and what will happen further(as promised), but first I need to reply to a few posts.

First off - the title of this whole thread was not really meant to be fit to her or the situation. I am a realistic guy. I don't try to live in my own fantasy-world because that's not really the world I live in. And, well, the whole "love makes you blind" or "love does blind" or how it's said; apparently clouded my judgement for several months(Which I never thought would be possible to happen to me). So simply put - A beautiful mind = a realistic person's mind.

Secondly - How I can be "cool" with her satisfying her needs is just a show of how much I love her in a way. Like, I don't care what happens as long as she is happy and have her needs met. Although, while that was the baseline for not doing anything in the beginning, this is not how it was when I started this thread. Like, to it to go on for this long.


Anyways - Here's what happened:

After I wrote this thread on this forum, I went for a drive. I went to pick up a few friends that had been out at parties and drove them home. They weren't really drunk, just jolly and rather outgoing. So, when I was driving, I asked them about their opinions. They all saw it the way you guys did. And I am talking about my true closest friends felt the same way. I even called my best friend in the middle of the night and he said the same, more or less.

So, I thought I'd tell her that she should stop sleeping with her ex, and if she crave it so much - I'd buy her a toy. But before that - checking out how long it would be before she came to visit me - in Norway. Cause if it wasn't that long till, I would suffer through and decide then - where we could be together and understand each other better, see how we are alone and all that.

But, I didn't manage to reach her till tonight. She didn't write much to me on skype, but she said she sent me an email. So I checked the email out, and... Well, basically - it said that she loved me very much. However, I wasn't mature enough for her. Which is really the tricky part. Because you see - I had apparently behaved immature to her expectations(direclty, I can't recall that I have), BUT - lately I can imagine it's been more and more. Because being the victim of the first post(having a girl on the other side of the world sleeping with her ex while you love her etc) is enough to drive one slowly but surely insane. But also the fact that she isn't able to show affection that well also tears me down. I need to dig forth compliments and affection. One shouldn't have to do that. Top of that again -It's the seasons. The time to be jolly and when everyone gets extra cozy. Of course one starts to wonder when you don't hear from a person you care very much about, and you start imagining the worst scenarios. And when you then bring it up to talk about it and gets closure, but gets shot down.... So, with all that on top of me - I guess my behavior would appear childish when I can't get to be myself. If I only could be myself without all these worries on top of me at the same time, I'm next to 100% sure I can be "mature enough" for her.

*Shivers* I told her before I left on the airport earlier this autumn... "It will be an extra long and cold winter this year...".... I was right.

But in the end... Yeah, she let me go. I guess it was the suckiest way to be let gone of as well... "over text", but... The circumstances wasn't right and she said she wanted me to have a good fresh start on the new year.

I will take time to reflect upon what I could have done differently, and hopefully learn from that even though her email was formed like "While this is mostly you, I might be the one who is fucked up", I will eventually move on. Right now it feels like I will never find a woman like her again.. One with next to the exact same interests as me... The same view at things like me... It's a big world, yeah, but I'm not amused of the people I've met this far... God, it hurts inside so much right now... And I got a new year party to attend to.

I guess I can just thank you all for all support, insights and such. I don't think she's that bad yet, but over the time, perhaps I will. I have a little message I want to share with the world as well, but that needs to wait for another time. Right now, I'm running out of time as I soon need to be going to that party, so... If you want to hear me out - send me a PM.

Again - Thank you very much everyone. 2012 Was... a wonderful year with the harshest ending of them all.

I can only pray for 2013...

[Pachycrocuta]

It hurts now, but it will get better. And I was shocked that she said that YOU were the immature one, or "not mature enough for her" BS. I honestly didn't feel like you were immature in this thread for the most part. But she came off as completely immature, especially with that one reply she gave you about fucking around.

You may be hurting, and this is a rather sucktastic way to end the year, but you will be better off without her. Try your hardest to just let the shit emotions you are feeling just fall away. It will be tough, but starting the new year with such nagative emotions probably isn't the best thing to do. Try to have fun at your party. And it is typically a good thing to listen to your friends and take their advice over what random schmoes on the internet tell you, even if they say the same thing. They have a better understanding of you and your situation on a more personal level than we do.

Oh, one more thing: She doesn't seem to have felt the same for you as you did for her, with her dumping you over a VERY valid complain in a relationship.

[Deleted]

It hurts now, but it will get better. And I was shocked that she said that YOU were the immature one, or "not mature enough for her" BS. I honestly didn't feel like you were immature in this thread for the most part. But she came off as completely immature, especially with that one reply she gave you about fucking around.

You may be hurting, and this is a rather sucktastic way to end the year, but you will be better off without her. Try your hardest to just let the shit emotions you are feeling just fall away. It will be tough, but starting the new year with such nagative emotions probably isn't the best thing to do. Try to have fun at your party. And it is typically a good thing to listen to your friends and take their advice over what random schmoes on the internet tell you, even if they say the same thing. They have a better understanding of you and your situation on a more personal level than we do.

Oh, one more thing: She doesn't seem to have felt the same for you as you did for her, with her dumping you over a VERY valid complain in a relationship.

This, and I'm sure it hurts to not be the one to say "no thanks", but at least this way you found out that even if you had tried to make it work, she would've ended it Just see the new year as a fresh start. You were able to be happy before you met her, so you don't need her. Just enjoy life, and happy new year btw.

[Seiken3]

Cheers mates. The new year came up rather great. Had a cigar and whiskey(hadn't tried cigars before, but.. they were alright.... for smoking once at new year. )

Yeah, I'm rather mature I'd say, but I guess she never let me be who I am or gave me the chance given all the confused signals she sent me and such. How can one be mature when one's heart is on fire and unsure what to think and believe every single moment?

Anyways, enough of the past year. Cheers again for all opinions.

Happy New Year

[FusedMass]

It is never a good idea with an ex lives with her. Even for the sake of the child. She gets up with him around the house likely walking half naked( Not that its anything he has not seen before) but hes right there in a physical sense. . On the other hand its nice that you give her a chance. Its nice in a way you have put so much faith and hope into her.

Who knows she might actually be interested in keeping a long term. If that is to happen. He needs himself to be removed from the picture. Its one thing if they live across town. But in the same place. I would advise if you are truly serious about her. Invite her to live with you. Even with her child just take a round trip to see you and escape with each other like a couple of love sick people.

If not I cannot imagine how long you would be able to balance the whole thing being so far apart. Most females are good at long distance. If they do not have someone hitting on them every day. Either

A: She will stay committed with you. And this stuff in your mind is just you being silly.

B: She will get lonely and go back with him. Which they will not work out and may rush back to you at the end

[Kerath]

Cheers mates. The new year came up rather great. Had a cigar and whiskey(hadn't tried cigars before, but.. they were alright.... for smoking once at new year. )

Yeah, I'm rather mature I'd say, but I guess she never let me be who I am or gave me the chance given all the confused signals she sent me and such. How can one be mature when one's heart is on fire and unsure what to think and believe every single moment?

Anyways, enough of the past year. Cheers again for all opinions.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year, mate, I hope this one is a better year for you
It may be tough to see it now, but in time, I think you'll realise that you're better off without her in your life.
A good relationship is one where the needs of both parties are considered and compromises reached when they are needed. When someone is trying to have everything their own way, and the other person has to toe the line or get lost, where you're left with insecurities and self doubt - that's a sure sign of a very unhealthy relationship in the making.

I had a good chuckle at her "you're not mature enough for me" line. Maybe one day she'll grow up and realising she's behaving like a fool. I hope so, before she gets hurt too badly.
Anyway, try not to let it grind you down too much. You sound like a decent guy with a lot to offer a decent girl. It may take time, but you'll find a good one - the best ones are worth the wait

All the best.

[Pachycrocuta]

And a Happy New Year to you too. Hope you have a good one this year.

and I completely agree with Kerath.

[Buttfear]

This is not meant to be mean in any way.

I think some kind of counseling would benefit you greatly and help you find a healthy relationship.

[Seiken3]

@Buttfear - Mmm... I don't really see how counseling would benefit me. I mean, the whole ordeal here is basically that I met a girl, we fell in love - she had a bit special expectations of me, I couldn't go to her for closure and she left me because she didn't like the way I reacted to her whole "living with ex-boyfriend" thing. I guess the reason why I let her walk all over me as some of you have mentioned earlier is that I really loved her and I trusted her. But this is what I got.

@Kerath - I totally agree. And I thank you for your compliment. I haven't really met anyone who have had any -real- problem with me yet, other than that I sometimes are a bit too nice. But I don't want to blow my own horn here - just.. Thanks! =) I will keep fishing for that one fish in the sea that's meant for me.

@Fusedmass - I doubt either will happen. A: It was indeed a lot of stuff in my head that was silly. Hence why I needed closure to get my feelings straight. I'm certain you can agree to that being in my position isn't too easy and not being able to know what to think given the whole situation with her living with her ex and also yelling at me for even trying to get closure? B: That MIGHT happen, although, I am honestly not sure if I will be the one she will return to. I was very much that she said she wanted beside "mature". Given her past, she is prioritizing wrongly, but there's not much I can do with it at the moment.

Perhaps I will link her this thread one day. *Smiles* Not soon, but one day. Hopefully she will see...

[Stir]

Happy Newyear!
And, while it may seem all bad now, in a few months' time, you might realize you're the lucky one for not having falling into that trap.

There's plenty of adorable, lovable people out there that are true to their word. And quite a few of them will match you. And you'll probably be in a lot more relationships before you find the one person you'll grow old with; such is life. Don't be discouraged by the few bad people; you've got at least a few nice relationships ahead of you!

[Deleted]

Please, just stop the madness that is your relationship. She is not considering your feelings at all, and when you ask about it she doesn't allow you to talk about it....




AND YOU LET HER!!...


QUIT IT NOW.

[Ayarea]

Really hope you come across a nice woman that does treat you with respect. As she clearly lacks any respect towards you in every way possible. Sleeping with her ex telling you to go sleep around with others - what the hell. I had a LDR with someone from the UK, I still love him with my heart and soul, and even if I would have needs I still wouldn't sleep around (not even now when I would have the chance). It's disrespectful for the other person, if you want to sleep around, make it an open relationship, but don't call it a real relationship. Seems to me she clearly just been using her for daily dose of attention and I'm sorry you had to go through that.