Havent seen my son in 10 years

[Deleted]

the mother wanted me back after i met my now wife and used my son as pressure... need more explantion ? i dont wanted him to grow up with the mother starting a war against me because i left her.

That still does not explain why no contact for 10 years. And how it was your choice to not make contact. And even now it seems your ex wife is the one pressuring you to meet the kid simply because you have a new wife now.

Yes I would say it is a good idea for you to meet the kid. But it should have been done much sooner. Just remember you have your own life now with your new wife. But only meet the kid if you actually want to meet the kid. Don't meet simply because of pressure.

[mvaliz]

the mother wanted me back after i met my now wife and used my son as pressure... need more explantion ?

At this point, yes... because right now your stories are conflicting. You told us that after 10 years you contacted her out of fear of not making payments and that "you had a feeling" she wasn't going to tell your son about you.. but now you're telling us that she wants you back and is using your son as pressure. That's a pretty big change in story there, buddy...

i dont wanted him to grow up with the mother starting a war against me because i left her.

Dude, you left her well over a DECADE ago, Right? There's no "just" starting a war in this.

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You are giving horrible advice. A kid is a kid and an adult is an adult. The kid should not be making such decisions period. The father should be a man and talk with the mother. And say, "I want to see the kid and how he is doing" The parents will then arrange a meeting. You should never put so much pressure on a kid like this it is a horrible decision.

Ummmm... that's basically what I said. o_O

Did you not read the part where I said "That should be his choice as an adult, not as a kid" and went into detail as to why this would be serious emotional baggage a kid shouldn't have? Did you quote the wrong person or something? o_O What you wrote applied more to that @Incarnia person's horrible horrible advice than anything I wrote. >_<

[Raakel]

I'd try to approach cautiously and calm. You could write him a simple letter with a picture attached first. Just explain briefly who you are and what happend. Kids understand more than you think and are willing to forgive if they see honest and valid reasons. Explaining why things happend is very important. Also EVERY child wants to know who their real parents are. You could try to find a neutral mediator for a first real life contact. Just take it slow and don't try to force things.

[Deleted]

Traits? Personality is mostly biological.

Yeah I wrote socialized trait... I meant habitus/learned habits.

[Deleted]

At this point, yes... because right now your stories are conflicting. You told us that after 10 years you contacted her out of fear of not making payments and that "you had a feeling" she wasn't going to tell your son about you.. but now you're telling us that she wants you back and is using your son as pressure. That's a pretty big change in story there, buddy...



Dude, you left her well over a DECADE ago, Right? There's no "just" starting a war in this.

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Ummmm... that's basically what I said. o_O

Did you not read the part where I said "That should be his choice as an adult, not as a kid" and went into detail as to why this would be serious emotional baggage a kid shouldn't have? Did you quote the wrong person or something? o_O What you wrote applied more to that @Incarnia person's horrible horrible advice than anything I wrote. >_<

Yes I realize you said that when talking about the kid as a teenager. But in general a kid should never make such a decision.

The father is obviously not telling us the whole story and is hiding many details from us. First off it is very weird that he decided to have zero contact with the kid for 10 years to begin with.

[Seditian]

You are giving horrible advice. A kid is a kid and an adult is an adult. The kid should not be making such decisions period. The father should be a man and talk with the mother. And say, "I want to see the kid and how he is doing" The parents will then arrange a meeting. You should never put so much pressure on a kid like this it is a horrible decision.

What are you on about? You're basically repeating him yet you accuse him of giving horrible advice.

E: ^ Nevermind.

[satimy]

Blame everything on the mother

[Deleted]

Prove to him you're sorry, not by showering him with gifts and making him spoilt but spend time together.

if the mother decides to start being awkward then be persistent to show him you really do care.

[Independent voter]

If you're making child support payments you might have some rights. Talk to a lawyer.

[mvaliz]

Don't wait for your kid to decide to make contact with you. It is a huge thing to put on any child's shoulders, and a lot of emotional trauma can have it's root in not knowing who your real parent is, why they abandoned you, why they don't seem to care enough to make contact etc. You really want to risk having your kid grow up plagued by those questions?

This advice of yours is really REALLY bad and, more importantly, incredibly selfish in forcing only one possible outcome for that child! >_<

You write "it's a lot of emotional trauma in not knowing who your real parent is, why they abandoned you, yadda yadda yadda...". First off, two things seriously wrong with this.

1) What makes you think that kid is going to think that? I know plenty of adults who were grew up in single-parent households and some were even adopted. They move on. I asked one friend of mine who was adopted if he ever wanted to find his own biological parents. he said "Why? I know who my parents are - they're the ones who chose to have me and raised me. Whomever my biological parents are, they had their reasons to do what they did - and I grew up in a great home thanks to that.

Another friend of mine commented that she never missed her father at all because she gained another Father figure later when she remarried. After a couple years she began calling him "Dad" and that was all that mattered.

and 2) As I wrote in my other post - you know what's more emotionally traumatizing than wondering about your prior parent? Trying to insert a brand-new parental unit into a teenager's life! >_<

if the kid isn't at least mid-college level, wait until he's an adult. He's got enough shit on his plate to deal with - and has lived long enough to be OK without his pa. If he really is that wondering of him, he'll contact his father later in life when he can emotionally handle the situation.

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Yes I realize you said that when talking about the kid as a teenager. But in general a kid should never make such a decision.

...which is what I said! So... why are you saying it's horrible if you agree with what I said!? o_O

We're not talking about a kid here - we're talking about an early teen. It's been at least 10 years... everything I have said applies to THIS situiation purely on mathematics alone. :P

Now, if he had JUST broken up with her and the kid was, say, 3+ years old - I would totally agree with you. But we're not talking about a little kid, we're talking about a young teenager... which is just silly because I agree it's still a bad time to inject a sudden parental role into somebody's life. :P

EDIT: Ohhhhhh! I get it, you're assuming by my saying "he's a teenager, so don't give him a choice!" was somehow suggesting it was fine for the kid to choose before? Oh HELLZ no that's not what I meant! I was simply giving him practical reasons why NOW is a bad time based on the reality of the situation. :P The kid honestly shouldn't be making that choice, IMO, until mid-college age level - if even then! :P

The father is obviously not telling us the whole story and is hiding many details from us. First off it is very weird that he decided to have zero contact with the kid for 10 years to begin with.

Completely agree, more importantly - as I said above - his story is also conflicting. I'm smelling something else dubious in here as well...

Also... he's been married for 11 years now. Doesn't he have kids and a family of his own by now? In fact, how does his current wife feel about all this? He's all worried the Son will get on with a life without him, but clearly the dad moved on and made a life for himself without his son. What's the sudden urgency calling for that?

[Dug]

12 is still a fine age to develop a relationship with your son but you have to actually stick with it not just come and go when its convenient for you. Because if you don't plan on being a consistent figure in his life then just don't even bother. It'll do more harm than good.

[yetgdhfgh]

Its when he hits 12+ is when he starts to wonder about daddy and he starts learning the ways of the world.

Its not too late to establish a relationship

[Deleted]

Its when he hits 12+ is when he starts to wonder about daddy and he starts learning the ways of the world.

Its not too late to establish a relationship

Oh how many fathers a kid can have by the age of 12 you think? They might not care anymore. Or did the next man do all OP was too bad for and he remained farther? Or is this an eternal single mom?

[mrsohta]

It can go both ways man, if you decide to meet him be careful so you don't break his heart or cause him to feel too confused. I think you should see him though it's not late, i hope things go well for all of you.

[infernity]

Other side of the coin here pretty much, have a 12 yr old daughter who hasn't seen her father in 8 or so years, maybe 9.

If he wanted contact again, first prio is going to be if my daughter wants it. 2nd prio is going to be making sure the father is willing to stick at it this time, backing out of your own child's life for 10 yrs isn't showing that right now, but w/e.

If you have any doubts in your mind about how well you can stick the shit out, don't do it. It's going to be more damaging to your child to drop in, decide shit is too tough, then back out again. Your kid may well end up pushing you away, kids do that, they test the boundaries in life. How well can you last?

It may also depend on how your life is now, knowing you've been having a great old time, while not seeing them for that long, can be shit for a kid.

[yetgdhfgh]

Oh how many fathers a kid can have by the age of 12 you think? They might not care anymore. Or did the next man do all OP was too bad for and he remained farther? Or is this an eternal single mom?

BY then the kid can tell from a real father from a special uncle or a friend or whatever mommy wants to call him.

[Deleted]

BY then the kid can tell from a real father from a special uncle or a friend or whatever mommy wants to call him.

Yeah that happens in movies.

[smooshtheman]

I have a son, saw him untill he was 2 and then broke up with his mother. I was at the birth, changed his dipers, feed him stood awake for nights and so on you get the picture.

After 2 years the mother and i broke up but i saw my son on neutral ground at his grandparents house. When i met my now wife (11years marrige) the mother of my son started to find reason and started to cause trouble so i couldnt see him anymore. So i said, i will break up the contact and when my son is old enough tell him about me and i am there for him. This is like 10 years ago.

Now i had to get in touch with the mother regarding entertains i couldnt pay because for the last 1 year of unemployment and i had the feeling that she will never tell my son about me. Now i regret my descision deeply that i broke up the contact and i am thinking about to get contact to him again.

What you guys think how to tackle this difficult situation? When i saw him last time he just started walking and talking...i must be a complete stranger to him by now.

He will have some built up emotions and may be upset with you, especially if the women is brainwashing him like they all do.
Try to get one on one time and explain to him what happened all those years ago and keep stressing how your sorry and that you love him. Maybe hell forgive you maybe not. 10 yrs is a long time to be gone. I wouldnt feel like shit if that was me.

[Deleted]

I will sound harsh but I think you took the cowards option - you could have still seen your child without seeing your ex

[Deleted]

I have a son, saw him untill he was 2 and then broke up with his mother. I was at the birth, changed his dipers, feed him stood awake for nights and so on you get the picture.

After 2 years the mother and i broke up but i saw my son on neutral ground at his grandparents house. When i met my now wife (11years marrige) the mother of my son started to find reason and started to cause trouble so i couldnt see him anymore. So i said, i will break up the contact and when my son is old enough tell him about me and i am there for him. This is like 10 years ago.

Now i had to get in touch with the mother regarding entertains i couldnt pay because for the last 1 year of unemployment and i had the feeling that she will never tell my son about me. Now i regret my descision deeply that i broke up the contact and i am thinking about to get contact to him again.

What you guys think how to tackle this difficult situation? When i saw him last time he just started walking and talking...i must be a complete stranger to him by now.

He has a mother and a father (the partner of his mother)... you're not his father as long as you haven't been in his life for ten years... as you said, you're a complete stranger to him; he's only a child.