Forgiving your friends

[CJack14dt]

So I know I'm not the most forgiving person on the planet. To me when people screw me over or disrespect me its indicative of their nature and I tend to make it clear to them they are no longer welcome in my company. I might be a bit too harsh but I'd like to hear the OTs talk about things their friends do that they forgive them for and maybe I'll be inspired.

To setup what I'm dealing with:

My roommate is a living mattress, he bangs about 3-5 guys a week and it irritates me a lot to the point that I told him no tricks on school nights as their noise wakes up the neighbor's children at 2am. Anyway he is a running joke amongst my friends and they understand my general ire with the guy. Anyway so one night my friends are hanging out in my house and suddenly one friend gets up and says he's "going outside". So after a bit we notice he's been gone a while and go to look for him, only to see him come out of my roommate's room after which he proceeds to brag to us at how impressed my roommate's "services" were and how he barely even had to wake him up. Needless to say our friends just stared at him and I told him to go home. He's not been welcome back since and he's apologized profusely and sometimes even drives to our house and sits out front in his car and cries because he wants to be back in our good graces so he can come up and see us. Yeah, its very odd. You don't have to comment on this situation but this is what I'm dealing with atm.

[Bathory]

So you're mad at your friend because he slept with your roommate? Why is that an issue?

[CJack14dt]

So you're mad at your friend because he slept with your roommate? Why is that an issue?

Because of my relationship with my roommate its disrespectful to me, to everyone else it was just tacky and classless. I didn't yell at my roommate because that would be like yelling at the dog for eating off the table but for another reason we (the other roommate and I) gave him notice to vacate the next day.

[Judge Malthred]

Because of my relationship with my roommate its disrespectful to me, to everyone else it was just tacky and classless. I didn't yell at my roommate because that would be like yelling at the dog for eating off the table but for another reason we (the other roommate and I) gave him notice to vacate the next day.

What your roommate does in his room and who he does it with is none of your business and I don't think you have any right to punish your other friend for it. So the guy has an active sex life, how is that disrespectful to you?

If you were coming back to your apartment and it was greasy man sex time on the living room floor or they were in your room getting down and dirty then yes, get pissed and kick some ass. But that wasn't the case. You didn't even know your friend was in your roommates room. It also doesn't make much sense that your friend would leave through the front door, sneak into your roommates room, and then just come out of his room and boast about what he did with your roommate.

[Colosso]

He obviously likes to bang lots of guys indiscriminately, and that will never change. What matters in this situation is whether he knew or not that his actions would be crossing the line.

If he knew full well that what he was doing was NOT okay, it means he gave in to temptation and impulse. It will certainly happen again and his apology is fake; sadly, some people think of apologies as "those magic words that sometimes get me out of trouble".

If he didn't know, then he really is sorry and probably didn't mean to upset you in that way. Everyone makes mistakes. Sometimes people don't realize when someone's implied, unwritten rules are different than their own.

So did he or should he have known your roommate was strictly off-limits? That's the question in my mind.

[Judge Malthred]

It isn't 3rd grade though. You can tell someone not to be with someone else but the truth is you don't own them and its their choice. It seems like OP may be angry/offended over something that isn't his business.

[CJack14dt]

What your roommate does in his room and who he does it with is none of your business and I don't think you have any right to punish your other friend for it. So the guy has an active sex life, how is that disrespectful to you?

If you were coming back to your apartment and it was greasy man sex time on the living room floor or they were in your room getting down and dirty then yes, get pissed and kick some ass. But that wasn't the case. You didn't even know your friend was in your roommates room. It also doesn't make much sense that your friend would leave through the front door, sneak into your roommates room, and then just come out of his room and boast about what he did with your roommate.

Well that's what he did. My friend can have an active sex life, I don't care (although he does have a bf and he asked us not to tell his bf about as he was leaving) but if he's going to do it in my house as my guest with the person that gives me the most grief about that specific thing its disrespectful to me. It would be like if your roommate was a nasty alcoholic and it was so bad it affected you and you reached an agreement that when you're there he's not going to be drunk. Then your friends come over and get him drunk.

[Judge Malthred]

Well that's what he did. My friend can have an active sex life, I don't care (although he does have a bf and he asked us not to tell his bf about as he was leaving) but if he's going to do it in my house as my guest with the person that gives me the most grief about that specific thing its disrespectful to me. It would be like if your roommate was a nasty alcoholic and it was so bad it affected you and you reached an agreement that when you're there he's not going to be drunk. Then your friends come over and get him drunk.

I see what you are saying but drinking is not really a private thing, where has sex should be kept in the bedroom if it isn't your house, but a shared living situation.

If I had a rowdy destructive drunk as a roommate and it was so bad that we had to have an agreement that he is not drunk while I am there, then we would be going about it the wrong way. I would either have to kick him out, or move out myself. Trying to change people is like trying to ice skate uphill. You have to either accept them as they are, or go somewhere else.

[CJack14dt]

I see what you are saying but drinking is not really a private thing, where has sex should be kept in the bedroom if it isn't your house, but a shared living situation.

If I had a rowdy destructive drunk as a roommate and it was so bad that we had to have an agreement that he is not drunk while I am there, then we would be going about it the wrong way. I would either have to kick him out, or move out myself. Trying to change people is like trying to ice skate uphill. You have to either accept them as they are, or go somewhere else.

That's exactly why I didn't yell at the roommate as I said previously. I just had the beef with my friend. This whole situation got about 10x stranger in the ensuing days which I can touch on if you like but that wasn't really the point of this thread.

[Tziva]

I understand your position OP, and I can understanding being irritated with your friend... but genuinely mad at him? He didn't actually do anything wrong, and his personal life isn't your business. Forgive him and move on.

[Gheld]

Way back in highschool, there was this slut, and she cheated on her boyfriend with me. Fast forward a little bit, I started seeing this chick that the slut didn't like (because they used to be friends but had a falling out.) and there was really good relationship potential going on. But then that chick started avoiding me, and I had no idea why until a mutual friend between me and the slut called me to tell me that the slut told her boyfriend (and the chick I was sort of dating) that I had raped her. Fortunately her reputation as a slut and a pathological liar preceded her (plus I was a scrawny little bastard back then), and nobody actually believed her, otherwise that could have made things very ugly for me.

But it kind of did, in the sense that the girl I was seeing completely pushed me out of her life, because obviously she didn't want to invite that sort of drama along.

But she (the slutty liar) apologized profusely, and it took me the whole of 1 week to forgive her for it.

So anybody who holds a long standing grudge for anything less, NEEDS TO GET THE FUCK OVER THEMSELVES. ASAP.

[Deleted]

You're just being petty. First of all, your friends action really isn't a disrespect towards you, you're just wanting to take this personally. Second of all, you've chosen to live with your roommate and sex is a normal part of life, thus you have as much say in his sexual activity as he has to your bowel movements.

[Jakexe]

I can't see anything wrong except for the noise issue. Which IS something worth talking to him about but besides that i'm failing to see the issue.

[Judge Malthred]

To me it just sounds like you need a new roommate since his lifestyle seems to be causing a lot of unrest and problems for you.

[Daws001]

There has to be more to why you'd just dump your friend over that. You like him, don't you?

I had a friend who I was crushing on at the time, he didn't know, and when we were out one night, he started slobbering all over this girl (they were both wasted). I was consumed by jealousy and didn't talk to him for a few days after that.

[shadowkras]

Betrayal can never be forgiven.

For the sake of clarification, your friend was also betrayed by you, you are just too egoistical to see that, he liked to hang with your group of friends and you dumped him, and thats why he is suffering, otherwise he would have moved on.

[Deleted]

The only way someone can screw with you or disrespect you is by directly saying something to your face with a malicious intent. Otherwise, it's just you being attached to things and having issues. Like if someone sleeps with your roomate, or your ex-girlfriend. Guess what, she is a human being, not your "ex-girlfirend" and if your friend and your ex-girlfriend manage to create a little happiness for themselves in the world, it is your problem, not theirs. Oversensitivity and personal bullshit should never come in the way of life being lived.

If you have an intention of hurting someone, then you are a dickhead.

If you have no intention of hurting someone, but indirectly hurt their feelings, that's not your problem.

More or less the only thing in life that makes you grow is being confronted with your hurt emotions, that are always unreasonable, because there is no reason, or excuse to be unhappy.

[CJack14dt]

There has to be more to why you'd just dump your friend over that. You like him, don't you?

I had a friend who I was crushing on at the time, he didn't know, and when we were out one night, he started slobbering all over this girl (they were both wasted). I was consumed by jealousy and didn't talk to him for a few days after that.

Well it was kind of his "3rd strike" as it were because just in general he's been inconsiderate. Oh for those that think I don't like the roommate for the amount of sex he has that isn't the issue, its a privacy and safety thing. 3-5 men a week is between 160 and 260 men a year and do I think they're all going to be upstanding gentlemen without sticky fingers walking around my house? Hell no. In fact we gave him notice the night after all this because my other roommate came home from deployment to find out this roommate and a couple of his tricks had been helping themselves to monies and items in the deployed roommate's room while he was gone so my fears ended up being validated.

[Deleted]

Well it was kind of his "3rd strike" as it were because just in general he's been inconsiderate. Oh for those that think I don't like the roommate for the amount of sex he has that isn't the issue, its a privacy and safety thing. 3-5 men a week is between 160 and 260 men a year and do I think they're all going to be upstanding gentlemen without sticky fingers walking around my house? Hell no. In fact we gave him notice the night after all this because my other roommate came home from deployment to find out this roommate and a couple of his tricks had been helping themselves to monies and items in the deployed roommate's room while he was gone so my fears ended up being validated.

Your whole issue is with the roommate, not your friend who slept with him. Move.

[Judge Malthred]

Well it was kind of his "3rd strike" as it were because just in general he's been inconsiderate. Oh for those that think I don't like the roommate for the amount of sex he has that isn't the issue, its a privacy and safety thing. 3-5 men a week is between 160 and 260 men a year and do I think they're all going to be upstanding gentlemen without sticky fingers walking around my house? Hell no. In fact we gave him notice the night after all this because my other roommate came home from deployment to find out this roommate and a couple of his tricks had been helping themselves to monies and items in the deployed roommate's room while he was gone so my fears ended up being validated.

As far as your living situation goes this should be all the motivation you need to kick the guy out.