Brother problems...

[Lockstatus]

Just looking for someone general advice on this one...

Older Brother is 25, has had drug problems since high school. Stole literally thousands of $$ of property/cash from me+family+pretty much any guest who entered our house (including parents wedding ring, etc etc) up until like 2 years ago. He dropped out of 2nd year of college 5(?) years ago because he just kept failing (he's not academically dumb by any means) due to fueling drug addiction. Since then he's had like 2 jobs that lasted for like 3-5 months and pretty much mooches hard off my parents, living in the basement and is essentially a huge money sink. He's been to rehab two times since high school. Drugs he does are oxys and xanax and other prescription stuff, though two of his close friends from middle school are doing worse stuff than that and they seem like the next step for him. This year alone he totaled 3 cars because he was high while driving and dozed off. I'm pretty much tired of his bull$hit and I know my parents are (not to mention my mom was diagnosed with M5 AML 2 years ago and beat that shit like a pro and this bs is putting unneeded stress on her) but they don't wanna kick him out because then he could get worse.

On the other hand I just graduated (and I'm 3 years younger) and am about to go to med school+law school, and to me he just seems like a huge piece of shit who is just a waste of resources for my parents and needs to be kicked out. The dumbass comes home often hopped up on who knows what and my parents still don't do anything. He recently found a "girlfriend" who's father addicted to all kinds of prescription meds and is abusive and the two of them often sit in our basement, popping shit, doing nothing and being honestly pieces of shit.

Kind of wondering what I should do, since I'm gonna leave for med school/law school in August and am kind of a voice of reason/buffer between my parents and him and without me I'm almost scared what's gonna happen. Was also wondering if it's possible to call the police on someone who is high on prescription stuff in your own home. I'm just looking forward to the time when he gets into something in over his head and shit really hits him.

[Deleted]

Law enforcement doesn't care about family relations when arresting people. So you can call the cops. It's a dick move though.

The thing is, most drug users fled into drugs because they have deeply rooted issues. I can imagine your brother had a reason to start doing drugs. Do you remember anything about the time he started using drugs? Did he have any issues during that time that go beyond the typical teen stuff?

[ripponesan]

You parents did fine in handling their problems when you were not born yet. I guess they still should be able to get their stuff straight with you just in phone call reach. Am i wrong? Really ask this yourself.

And yeah your borther does "bad" things i understand that. I also understand that you dont like the sutiation, but dont you dare call him a piece of shit. Man it is your brother! What he does right now as a fully time addict is sureley not good, but really it is not him acting it is the drugs.
Sure you can call him a peice of shit for getting started with drugs, but in the end who know why he started? Maybe missing brotherlove? No offense here dude.

I am sure he dissappointed you quite a lot, but he is your brother, you should be eager to help him rather than kick him.

[Kisho]

Was also wondering if it's possible to call the police on someone who is high on prescription stuff in your own home.

I don't believe so... Depends on how he got the drugs. If they're prescribed to him, then it's legal. If he's stolen them, then that would be illegal. I doubt it would do much though; all that would probably happen is he has a brief stint in jail, meets up with other like-minded people who provide him with all sorts of new drug contacts, and he suddenly has access to even worse drugs. He'd also have a criminal record which would make it more difficult to pull himself out of this mess.

The unfortunate thing is that he needs to want to change. You can force him to straighten up all you like, but as soon as you take your eyes off of him he'll run back to the drugs. If he doesn't want to sort himself out, then there's nothing that can be done.

I admit I've not had any personal experience with this sort of thing, but if I was then I'd make it very clear to them that as soon as they want to clean up, I'll be there to support them 100%. Pay for rehab, be a pillar of strength for them to lean on, all that stuff. But until that day, I wouldn't want anything to do with them. I'd refuse to enable their habit or allow them to keep going, either through inaction or otherwise.

With any luck, they'd remember my words and come find me when they're ready to sort themselves out. I honestly have no idea if that would be appropriate in your situation or even if it'd work, though. It's a difficult topic and as I said above, I don't have any experience with it. Good luck with him though, no matter what you do. I hope he sorts himself out.

[Deleted]

I really thought this was going to be a companion piece to the incest post from the other day.

However, issue at hand. There isn't much you can do. If your parents are willing to give up and let him go kill himself (I'm somewhat ashamed to say this would be my choice as life is complicated enough without looking after a junkie) then there is that option. A genuine dry out shelter is an option, but expensive and he's got to want to quit. That's the main issue, you can't do anything to help a junkie unless they want to be helped. People are wilful and make their own decisions. You can't force someone to get better if they don't want to.

[The Small Hours]

Maybe try organise some family crisis type intervention therapy and leave your parents with the responsibility of dealing with your brothers problems while you're off at med school.

[Deleted]

I really thought this was going to be a companion piece to the incest post from the other day.

However, issue at hand. There isn't much you can do. If your parents are willing to give up and let him go kill himself (I'm somewhat ashamed to say this would be my choice as life is complicated enough without looking after a junkie) then there is that option. A genuine dry out shelter is an option, but expensive and he's got to want to quit. That's the main issue, you can't do anything to help a junkie unless they want to be helped. People are wilful and make their own decisions. You can't force someone to get better if they don't want to.

This, basically. There are even people who WANT TO quit, but still are facing a hell. In time your brother will make up his mind, and..that's basically his choice, not yours. As long as you keep helping him on the right way without annoying him too much, you're doing everything possible, I guess (does NOT guarantee success).

Seeing as you are moving away (temporarily), I guess it'd be better not to meddle if you're not staying considerably close to home. Guessing I dont need to tell you to call home for updates etc

[Lockstatus]

The thing is, most drug users fled into drugs because they have deeply rooted issues. I can imagine your brother had a reason to start doing drugs. Do you remember anything about the time he started using drugs? Did he have any issues during that time that go beyond the typical teen stuff?

Something I've tried to think about over the past few years. He started early in high school and I was like in 6th grade and everything seemed fine. Obviously missing something though, but that was just too long ago.

dont you dare call him a piece of shit. Man it is your brother!

When he stole thousands of $$ of my mom's jewelry including her wedding ring to sell while she was in the hospital getting chemotherapy is imo a valid reason to call him as I please. Not to mention the countless hardships, financial burdens (my parents are paying off the loans for his 2 years of wasted college credits among other things) and bs he puts the family through. Sure he may be my brother and as cold as it sounds, I would have no problem with him getting kicked out.

But until that day, I wouldn't want anything to do with them. I'd refuse to enable their habit or allow them to keep going, either through inaction or otherwise.

That's what I'm trying to do. Just pretty much not associating with him at all.

oooo these responses so far are not very encouraging haha

[Lockstatus]

I have not personally sought assistance but I know like 2 months ago he went to a doctor or two to help get him off oxys...gave him seboxone and some antianxiety stuff not 100% sure though. I don't know what happened to that, seemed to just stop and now he's back on oxys, Xanax etc

Ugh this is frustrating

[Auloria]

Your parents need a son they can be proud of. That's the best thing you can do.

Treat the situation with your brother like a disease that your parents have and be supportive of them in that way. Try not to judge them for feeling like that have to take care of him, it's hard when it's your child.

Don't touch him with a ten foot pole, it's not worth it until he gets his shit together, and there's nothing you can do for that.


You might consider seeing a counselor occasionally, they're pretty cheap, and it gives you a chance to vent and they also can give you strategies/insight for dealing with other people's problems, which might be more relevant to you.

[Hooked]

Medical school is expensive, are your parents going to pay for it?

[Lockstatus]

Your parents need a son they can be proud of. That's the best thing you can do.

Treat the situation with your brother like a disease that your parents have and be supportive of them in that way. Try not to judge them for feeling like that have to take care of him, it's hard when it's your child.

Don't touch him with a ten foot pole, it's not worth it until he gets his shit together, and there's nothing you can do for that.


You might consider seeing a counselor occasionally, they're pretty cheap, and it gives you a chance to vent and they also can give you strategies/insight for dealing with other people's problems, which might be more relevant to you.

That's what I'm kinda gearing towards. Gonna hit law school + med school hard for the next 6 years and hopefully just be somewhat successful.

And parents are paying/have paid for my college and grad school (NO loans!!). Only reason my brother took out loans was because he failed out of one university and they made him take out loans for the other one he attended. I only say that he's a financial burden not because we are struggling for money but because he literally is. Crashing+ totaling two of our cars and someone else's car because your hopped up and dozing off is just a plain waste of money. Just a money sink as far I am concerned who looks to be wasting away.

[Deleted]

I have a similar brother, only he doesnt do drugs, hes just inconsiderate and noisy (loud music at night, uses or takes other peoples property as well as throwing trash in the garden and letting hes gf live at our place at our expense).

I suffered him through middle school and high school but this year I finally had enough so I bought a lock for my door, my own fridge and used everything I could to turn my parents against him. It took months of constant complaining, threats, lying, whining, playing detective, framing him for stuff he didnt actually do and pretty much every other trick in "the book" but it paid off. It's a lot quieter now, my things and food doesnt go missing any more and the best part is that hes gf doesnt live here any more. She still stays here way more than Id like and uses our shower and pool buuut it's an improvement.

[Skippy88]

I think step 1 would be to talk with your parents and come up with a united front. It sounds like you guys are divided as to what your next step should be. If I read between the lines it sounds like your ready to kick him out of the house while your parents are keeping him in there in hopes of minimizing the damage. I could be wrong about that though. I would question though what exactly are you losing though if you do push him away.

My suggestion is all 3 of you go to a drug centre and bring some professional help into this. They deal with type of situation on a daily basis and can help both your brother, you and your parents greatly.

As another poster suggestion you might want to look into why he started in the first place. Did he try it for kicks and get addicted or he turned them to help him deal with a tragedy?

Lastly, have you tried talking to him one on one when he's at a point he's not high. Ask him if this is the life he wants for himself or if he wants to change? I think his answers will go along way to deciding if he's a lost cause or not.

[Lenonis]

You can't force your brother to change and you can't force your parents to stop enabling him. As soon as you learn to accept this your life will be better off.

The best thing you can do is just be there for your family as best you can, and in the meantime just avoid the drama as much as possible. Your brother won't get better until he wants to, so I'd say keep your distance and if necessary, cut him off. Maybe that'll be a wake up call for him.

The other option left is for your family to take you down with them.

[THE Bigzoman]

Just looking for someone general advice on this one...

Older Brother is 25, has had drug problems since high school. Stole literally thousands of $$ of property/cash from me+family+pretty much any guest who entered our house (including parents wedding ring, etc etc) up until like 2 years ago. He dropped out of 2nd year of college 5(?) years ago because he just kept failing (he's not academically dumb by any means) due to fueling drug addiction. Since then he's had like 2 jobs that lasted for like 3-5 months and pretty much mooches hard off my parents, living in the basement and is essentially a huge money sink. He's been to rehab two times since high school. Drugs he does are oxys and xanax and other prescription stuff, though two of his close friends from middle school are doing worse stuff than that and they seem like the next step for him. This year alone he totaled 3 cars because he was high while driving and dozed off. I'm pretty much tired of his bull$hit and I know my parents are (not to mention my mom was diagnosed with M5 AML 2 years ago and beat that shit like a pro and this bs is putting unneeded stress on her) but they don't wanna kick him out because then he could get worse.

On the other hand I just graduated (and I'm 3 years younger) and am about to go to med school+law school, and to me he just seems like a huge piece of shit who is just a waste of resources for my parents and needs to be kicked out. The dumbass comes home often hopped up on who knows what and my parents still don't do anything. He recently found a "girlfriend" who's father addicted to all kinds of prescription meds and is abusive and the two of them often sit in our basement, popping shit, doing nothing and being honestly pieces of shit.

Kind of wondering what I should do, since I'm gonna leave for med school/law school in August and am kind of a voice of reason/buffer between my parents and him and without me I'm almost scared what's gonna happen. Was also wondering if it's possible to call the police on someone who is high on prescription stuff in your own home. I'm just looking forward to the time when he gets into something in over his head and shit really hits him.

Encourage him to better himself I.E job, education, hobbies that would get his mind off of drugs.

Sometimes, these people only need someone to be kind and encouraging.

[Palmz]

Sounds like he needs to rot in jail for a year or two to straighten him out. You're parents are too nice to do anything to change his attitude and he isn't going to learn a damn thing from a counselor, etc.

[Drobu]

He needs to be somewhere away from influences so he can dry out and get his shit
together. If not, more than likely he'll be found dead somewhere. Mom and dad need
to take total control of the situation instead of providing him a place to get high.

It's really hard to give advice about dealing with siblings as an only child, but....if
I was watching a brother or sister, steal from MY parents, sit on their ass, and get
high at mom and dads place. I would unload on them. I would hold nothing back.

[Lockstatus]

just inconsiderate and noisy (loud music at night, uses or takes other peoples property as well as throwing trash in the garden and letting hes gf live at our place at our expense).

Would love if he was JUST inconsiderate and noisy.

Personal stuff has pretty much been on lockdown for 4-5 years. Parents bedroom/bathroom have multiple coded locks + a bunch of safes for all their shit, as does my room, my little bro's room and my grandma's room. Just sucks my 90 yr old grandma and my 11 yr old little brother has to worry about making sure money money/valuables/anything to be sold off are in a safe and their rooms are locked whenever they leave their room.

If I read between the lines it sounds like your ready to kick him out of the house while your parents are keeping him in there in hopes of minimizing the damage.

That's pretty much correct. I can understand them not wanting to kick him out because he's their son but cmon, enough is enough. I've expressed this many times to my parents but they keep giving him the benefit of the doubt (more from my mom though than from my dad). When he was getting clean like 2 months ago, they pretty much threw money at him, to encourage him to keep going and he seemed OK for a bit, but now he's back to his old shit self, absolutely pathetic in my eyes.

Also forgot to mention that (hearing about this through pieces of his phone conversations and putting 1+1 together) that he gets a script of oxys a month from some doctor. The doctor is old and doesn't speak english THAT well or something and my brother manipulates him into thinking he has pain and he needs painkillers, so he prescribes him oxys. It's not under insurance and he gets the script filled for cheap at some mom+pop pharmacy == selling them for cash to buy more oxys and other nonsense AND popping the oxys. All the more reason to never "leave" the drug world; easy money + cheap drugs...

As another poster suggestion you might want to look into why he started in the first place. Did he try it for kicks and get addicted or he turned them to help him deal with a tragedy?

Still can't really think of why...up until he started, we really seemed to be raised identically (Need time machine)

I would unload on them. I would hold nothing back.

Hmm how would you do that? I've been part of my my uni's PL team for the last 4 years and could beat his ass without breaking a sweat. haha

[Shennanigans]

The best thing that could happen to him is getting arrested. May clean his ass up.