Relationships: Thoughts on Transitioning From Best Friends

[Tyrgannus]

I don't normally make threads on this site and don't normally look for personal advice about my life, but I'm curious on what you guys have to say.

I met this young woman in late August/early September of last year, don't remember the exact day. For confusion's sake let's call her Beth. I found her instantly attractive, but she liked another guy. Fair enough, I didn't think anything of it at the time. Beth helped me get a bouncing gig at her job not long after that and we were coworkers for a bit. Her feelings faded for the other guy but again it didn't matter to me as I never get involved with coworkers and we now worked together. We started hanging out more outside of work and really becoming close friends. There was a subtle air of flintiness, but nothing remotely overt. We would go to bars together and watch movies curled up in bed, but we wouldn't sleep together or even kiss. Later on she got fired from the place we worked at and got another job. We were no longer coworkers now and I thought about asking Beth on a legitimate date, but not longer after that she met a guy. I honestly wasn't too bitter because we didn't really get involved and if truth be told there were other women in my life that were interested in me. Time passed as I watched her fall in and out of short little crushes, but we started hanging out more and more. We became best friends, legitimately. We hung out (and still hang out) around 4 days every single week. I met someone who I had gotten involved with around this time while Beth would occasionally engage in one night stands with little success, but always good stories to share the next day with none other than me. This progressed to quite literally getting daily phone calls between each other and the woman I was involved with straight up telling me that I had latent feelings for Beth. I did, but I hadn't thought about them for months. As far as I was concerned, Beth wasn't attracted to me, we were just good friends, and that was totally fine. That dynamic is now being called in to question.

Recently, the woman I am semi-involved with said that we had long term potential but that in the short term it isn't exactly going to be perfect due to distance/time/schedule/life/BS. We don't see each other all that much admittedly and she gets lonely when I'm gone and unfortunately jealous of how much time and energy I invest into Beth. I was a little hurt but saw where she was coming from, and she proposed to keep things in an open arrangement for a while. Not my first choice but it is what it is. Just last week I lost my job. That night I only two people: the woman I'm semi-involved with, and Beth. Beth was at a neighborhood bar I frequent somewhat regularly and told me to swing by. She was flirting with a guy about 5 years older than her (which is totally her type) but definitely stopped to comfort me and be a friend when I arrived. (As a side note, the guy she was flirting with is a manager at a nice restaurant she's trying to get a job at otherwise she said I would have had her full and undivided attention.) We left at 2 when the bar closed and headed to my place, got a bit drunk, and put on a Netflix movie. We had done this dozens of times in this last year and I thought nothing of it, this was business as usual. However, she started saying she was horny and that I'm an attractive guy. I told her a couple times that I didn't want to do anything crazy because I didn't want to impact our friendship and tried to change the subject, but she kept occasionally dropping very obvious hints. Eventually I succumbed and we slept together. I don't think I did all that well since I was nervous and drunk (she was also drunk, so I don't think anyone can really say anyone took advantage of anyone), but she was oddly sweet about and told me how comfortable she was around me. I later gave her a massage and we cuddled for a bit before she said she was getting hungry and that she had food at her place. We had sobered up by then and we went to her place for food and both crashed at her place since by now it was very late, or more accurately very early. She crashed in the bed, and I crashed in the sofa. When I awoke, she wanted me to drive 4 hours to surprise her mother for mother's day and wanted me to meet her mother. Oddly enough I agreed, and we went. She certainly wasn't avoiding me if the next day she wanted to be in a small space with me for hours on end, but we have not had sex since or talked about it much at all. She's mentioned in passing without any sense of regret or blushing, not also not a sense of passion or longing. Just as usual, we spent around 4 days together this week and the incident did not seem to negatively impact our friendship at all.

So MMO-Champ, what exactly is going on?
Do you believe this was just a one time thing?
Do you believe that she might have feelings for me that she doesn't know how to express or maybe she herself hasn't fully processed?
Have any of you been in a similar position?
What is your advice on how I should proceed with this?

[Deleted]

Fhritp....

[Tyrgannus]

I was hoping for more legitimate posts but alas momentarily forgot I was on the internet.

[Pull My Finger]

She clearly wants to sleep with your parents.

[Independent voter]

You can talk to her about it. You might be "friend zoned" so ask if she wants more or there's romance in the picture at some point.

[Tyrgannus]

You can talk to her about it. You might be "friend zoned" so ask if she wants more or there's romance in the picture at some point.

I hate that term but I know what you mean. Frankly, it was always friendship until last week for me. I've had friends with benefits before, but there's always some communication about not getting feelings involved. This had a surprisingly low amount of communication and friends don't usually randomly sleep with each other out of nowhere, do they?

[Gandrake]

if a chick fucked me and we were still hanging out and i didn't know what was up, i'd come onto her strong to see if she wanted to do it again.

ultimately i do not think that beth will be a lifelong partner but it sounds to me like you would probably rather be with her anyway regardless of any observation

[drwelfare]

She will hang out and sleep with you off and on for awhile, then she will get with some deadbeat and leave you.
She will later come back, want to get together to "Fix everything" right when you start to get in a good new relationship then leave you 2-4 weeks afterwards.

Lock in your head its over, no relationship and friendship is on borrowed time. Get your use and mileage out of her and when it goes south be ready to get rid of her quicker than an old soda cup in your car.

[cuafpr]

i dont know man... its really up to you. if you love her or like her even... say it now. years ago my best friend (whom i did and still have feelings for) gave me a kiss for my B-day, and it knocked my socks off to the point i could only utter wow... Now she is married but did admit that i had i bluntly told her how i felt we would be together. so go for it if its what you want.

[Gamdwelf]

I feel like you shouldn't be asking us you should be asking yourself what you want out of the relationship you have with Beth.

[Deleted]

I think you shouldn't ask the internet about something personal, especially when people who do that never follow the advice and do whatever stupid fucking thing they were going to anyway.

[Tyrgannus]

I think you shouldn't ask the internet about something personal, especially when people who do that never follow the advice and do whatever stupid fucking thing they were going to anyway.

People write threads like this to admit something to themselves and give them that extra push they needed.

[Gamdwelf]

People write threads like this to admit something to themselves and give them that extra push they needed.

Answer the question what do you want with this BETH?

[Tyrgannus]

Answer the question what do you want with this BETH?

There are multiple ways to answer this, and few things are simple with me. There's the oblivious selfish desire way, and there's the far more convoluted yet much more observant and selfless way. They boil down to these two things.

1.) I would love to be with her
2.) I want her to be happy, and I'm not sure she wants to be with me but am sure she wants me in her life. Therefore I'm hesitant to fully express my feelings if it means it would distance herself from her best friend, but on the same token if in fact their are mutual feelings I don't want to miss the opportunity and keep her at arms length when she doesn't want to be.

- - - Updated - - -

Lock in your head its over, no relationship and friendship is on borrowed time. Get your use and mileage out of her and when it goes south be ready to get rid of her quicker than an old soda cup in your car.

Seems inherently selfish and hedonistic. Their have been several relationships in my life that have ended where I grew as a person and do not regret in the slightest, but I never once saw them as an opportunity to get what I want and then throw them out. I care far too much about those I invest time in to view people that way. It's worth a little bit of emotional pain to tap into the true richness of any human connection I've found. It makes me more of a complete human.

[Gamdwelf]

If you are actually best friends why not just talk to her about it? Be really open, best relationship I ever had was with a chick who had a boyfriend but we were completely honest with each other.

[Tyrgannus]

If you are actually best friends why not just talk to her about it? Be really open, best relationship I ever had was with a chick who had a boyfriend but we were completely honest with each other.

I'm going to talk to her. I don't think she's the type of person to totally shut me out if I interpreted things incorrectly and if she does than it speaks volumes about her.

[dokilar]

eh, slippery slope. im in a similar position and my heads in all kinds of different directions. i would suggest talking to her about it and being honest and having her be honest with you. ask her if theres a chance at a relationship, if yes and thats something youre interested in pursue it. if she says no then i would ask her to be completely sure because theres not a much more rotten feeling than having a girl tell you they just want to be friends but then do and say things that otherwise give you the impression they want something more.

[Piglord]

Which is more important to you with her friendship or romance?

[Tyrgannus]

Which is more important to you with her friendship or romance?

This is somewhat the heart of the matter, isn't it? I'm unfortunately not entirely sure because I want both, but is the risk of nothing worse than only having one?

[haxartus]

Friendships tend to last longer than relationships, if you're inexperienced and you rush a relationship, you're going to fuck her for a few months and then screw things up and not see her ever again.
Of course, it might work out, nobody can tell for sure. It's up to you.