Millennial women are 'worried,' 'ashamed' of out-earning boyfriends and husbands

[Tennis]

It's no longer rare for women in relationships to out-earn their husbands or boyfriends — in 2015, for example, 38 percent of American wives made more money than their husbands — but many women remain ambivalent about being breadwinners, reports Ashley C. Ford for Refinery29.

Ford, who is herself unbothered about making 70 percent more than her own male partner, tries to understand why so many of the millennials she speaks to report feeling concerned, or even ashamed, about the repercussions of their success.

The feedback they receive from the culture is clear: Men should be earning more so that they can provide for their families, and if they don't, it's symptomatic of a problem. These messages produce an "almost unavoidable emotional and psychological consequence," Ford writes. Women feel guilty. Men feel emasculated.

Indeed, some of the women Ford speaks to shrug off the issue. A few wish their partners earned more but wouldn't want them to take unfulfilling jobs. Others, like Ford, wish instead the culture would catch up with the idea that it doesn't matter who brings home the bacon as long as the family has food.

Largely, though, Ford reports, earning more has negative repercussions for women. They feel anxious, even resentful. "Unlike the traditional trajectory of men who earn more, or are sole financial providers, most of these millennial women either believe out-earning their partners is temporary, or lament the idea that it may not be," she reports.

The laments she has heard are backed up by data, according to Mona Chalabi of fivethirtyeight.com. She summarized University of Chicago Booth School of Business findings for NPR, saying that, in their sample, dissatisfaction increased, and could lead to divorce, "once a woman started to earn more than her husband."

And the amount didn't appear to be relevant: "Whether the wife earns a little bit more or a lot more doesn't actually make much of a difference," says Chalabi.

The University of Chicago found that a wife making even $5,000 a year more than her husband was associated with a greater risk of divorce.

Some women may feel that dissatisfaction in their own relationships. But what many women are lamenting may be the difficulty of supporting, or primarily supporting, a family on one income, since incomes have stagnated while the costs of necessities like education, housing and child care, have risen.

These days, the pressure of being a breadwinner is hard on men and women alike. But since women, on average, have lower incomes than men, especially if they have children, and they still do more of the housework, the burden of being a breadwinner is yet more onerous — even before you factor in the side-eye they get from neighbors and the spiteful comments from relatives.

The issue, after all, is not that women don't want to earn their own money: The Bureau of Labor Statistics reported in 2014 that even "most mothers surveyed would like to work part time or full time."

Women would prefer to share the responsibility. As it happens, so would men.

Families in which both partners work have, in fact, become the norm. And Stephanie Coontz reports for The New York Times that "when young Americans are asked about their family aspirations, large majorities choose equally shared breadwinning and child-rearing if the option of family-friendly work policies is mentioned."

The ideal may well be one in which both members of a relationship have fulfilling and lucrative jobs, Coontz writes, citing "the financial advantages of dual-earner couples over male-breadwinner families," which "have increased significantly in recent years."
Enthusiastic couple taking selfie of engagement ring
Getty Images

The trouble is that securing one fulfilling, lucrative job per family is hard enough; it's even trickier to get, and keep, two. But is changing ideas about the roles of men and women any easier?

Ford writes that "the overwhelming majority of millennial women breadwinners don't believe the men in their lives should feel emasculated by the gap in their income." Now they're waiting for the overwhelming majority of Americans in general to catch up.

http://www.cnbc.com/2017/04/18/mille...-husbands.html

I can see why. Societal expectation is that the man should earn more.

It could certainly be a difficult barrier. Couples need to keep their financial earnings private. No need to share with others and be judged.

[Hammerfest]

How can that be when women are supposed to be paid less than men?

(This is a rhetorical question.)

[Tennis]

How can that be when women are supposed to be paid less than men?

(This is a rhetorical question.)

Lol dude. Percentages. Basic math.

There can be a minority of women who outearn their husband while the majority don't.

[zenkai]

Never heard of any man complaining that their SO earned more, and if it did bother him you would be better off without him.

[ghotihook]

I for one would fucking love to have a woman that made more money than I do! I could easily retire at 50 if that was true.

[Independent voter]

I couldn't have a relationship with a woman who made more money, call me old fashion but such an imbalance would upset the male/female dynamic. "couldn't" might be too strong a word, if my girl made more money I'd have to be humble and that's not easy.

[Techno-Druid]

Never heard of any man complaining that their SO earned more, and if it did bother him you would be better off without him.

Yeah, if anything that seems more like a pro than a con.

[Deleted]

I couldn't have a relationship with a woman who made more money, call me old fashion but such an imbalance would upset the male/female dynamic. "couldn't" might be too strong a word, if my girl made more money I'd have to be humble and that's not easy.

Hubcap, I am on the same boat.

I actually knew someone that got "out-earned" by his girlfriend and it destroyed their relationship.
You wanna know why? Because she ALSO had the feeling that he should be earning more and there was no way he could even come close to her salary.

[zenkai]

Hubcap, I am on the same boat.

I actually knew someone that got "out-earned" by his girlfriend and it destroyed their relationship.
You wanna know why? Because she ALSO had the feeling that he should be earning more and there was no way he could even come close to her salary.

Now that I could see, if she has an attitude of "you should be doing better than me".

[Vargulf the Happy Husky]

LADIES, most of us are perfectly fine with you making more money. As long as you pay for stuff and keep having sex with us, it's all good.

[Venarissa]

If it really bothered the man so much, it would be incentive to try harder/earn more wouldn't it?
Although I really don't think this is something that men should have feel bad about; it's just another part of a relationship couples need to either accept or agree to change.

[Tikaru]

How is having more money bad?

[kamuimac]

Yeah, if anything that seems more like a pro than a con.

not realy - there is a lot of pussies out there who are clealry afraid of succesful woman - most probably becaue they fear such woman could eaily replace them with better/younger/more succesful man - its not a problem with women earning more - its problem with their tiny ego and lack of self confidence.

if a man knows his worth and is self aware he has no problem being with succesful woman

[Spectral]

I'd like to see this broken out by income brackets. If I continued to make my current salary and get attendant gains over time, but my wife got a great job and began outearning me, I don't think this would really bother me. However, if I was barely earning anything or had a menial job that I felt kind of down about and my wife was doing something that was higher income and higher status, I imagine it'd bother me.

No one wants to feel like a failure and a man that can't provide for a family is a failure.

[kamuimac]

Hubcap, I am on the same boat.

I actually knew someone that got "out-earned" by his girlfriend and it destroyed their relationship.
You wanna know why? Because she ALSO had the feeling that he should be earning more and there was no way he could even come close to her salary.

seems like its problem with his laziness and lack of desire to get something out of like. let me guess he probably wanted to spend all day in front of tv with beer in his hand while she wanted to see places and get something out of life.

[Jam Spoon]

Now that I could see, if she has an attitude of "you should be doing better than me".

One of my friends many years ago destroyed his relationship with his gf at the time because she out earned him and he couldn't handle it - not because she had an attitude like you mention but because of his own expectations that a man should earn more than his woman

[Techno-Druid]

One of my friends many years ago destroyed his relationship with his gf at the time because she out earned him and he couldn't handle it - not because she had an attitude like you mention but because of his own expectations that a man should earn more than his woman

Yeah, sounds like he was the problem.

[Shiny212]

Never heard of any man complaining that their SO earned more, and if it did bother him you would be better off without him.

Well, if you haven't heard of it, it cannot be so.

[zenkai]

One of my friends many years ago destroyed his relationship with his gf at the time because she out earned him and he couldn't handle it - not because she had an attitude like you mention but because of his own expectations that a man should earn more than his woman

Yeah I think that's a self conscious control thing.

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Well, if you haven't heard of it, it cannot be so.

Didn't imply that, just saying in the circles I have ran around never saw anyone complained. I would think guys who feel insecure would be the older generation and not so much problem of the younger generation since they are more open minded in general.

[Deleted]

I'd like to see this broken out by income brackets. If I continued to make my current salary and get attendant gains over time, but my wife got a great job and began outearning me, I don't think this would really bother me. However, if I was barely earning anything or had a menial job that I felt kind of down about and my wife was doing something that was higher income and higher status, I imagine it'd bother me.

No one wants to feel like a failure and a man that can't provide for a family is a failure.

I would also like to see that tbh, but you are probably on to something about the last part, if there is no need for more money, i doubt that there would be any conflict over it.