Online Dating, I forgot!

[Mistame]

My standards aren't high. It's just that tinder is filled with men like what I just linked, there's no choice among them. They're ugly.

Ugly? Holy absurd standards, Batman. Objectively, there's a couple of 6's and maybe a 7. You're about a 7 with makeup.

[Rorke]

Freighter is a really good troll.

(Infracted)

[Deleted]

I don't believe this is true. I have always read through the woman's profile to get a good idea if this is a person that I may enjoy talking to. I will always talk about the things that they write on their profile, I will try to find out more about the person in my opening message. I am always ignored unfortunately. My profile is detailed explaining my personality and my dreams. I always put as much effort as I possibly can into the people that I am interested in. The women often never respond either way.

This was on Okcupid but I've heard of these "fake profiles" so I may have been messaging these people. But then again, their profiles were way too detailed and random to be the works of people who create fake profiles.

So no, there are still men out there who say much more than just "How are you doing?", like myself.

If you're always ignored then it's either your message or profile picture(Or your looks) and not actually what you've typed out in your profile that's the problem, unless it's something boring as hell.

If I remember correctly, you can see if people visited your profile on okcupid. If they didn't even visit your profile then it's your picture or the message.

Here is the true problem: Some people just assume that, if a guy doesn't get a reply, it's his fault. Because he's showing too much interest, or not enough, or his profile his bad, or his messages are boring, or he is not good-looking enough, etc. People should just drop this mentality that the man has to do all the work, and if it doesn't work out it's he who did something wrong. It takes two to tango, and some people are just boring, uninteresting, uninterested (as in, are in dating sites just for ego validation), or into a different type of person / are already invested in someone else, and no amount of effort, no thing you can say or do can change the mind of someone that just isn't into you. It's not your fault. It's not that person's fault either. Just learn to go after people that you can really see having a connection with.

Take it from a guy who never dated / never had a GF before, and had a bit of trouble talking to women I was interested in (not women overall, though, I always felt as comfortable around female friends as around male friends). Using Tinder, I am yet to have an instance where I'm not answered to my first message. But the same type of message sent to different women can spark very different conversations. Because, believe it or not, women are different. It's not a game where you have to figure out the right things to type to get to the finish line, because those things are always different, and you never know. Some women have responded to me very dryly, with one-liners and the such, others I had interesting conversations going but then things just died out (and that's ok, you can't carry a conversation alone, and if someone just stops putting the effort into it, it's not worth your time), one responded in a very hostile manner to an inoffensive joke I made and a couple were interested to the point that they wanted to actually meet with me. Did I say or do anything very different to warrant such different reactions? Not really. I was just being myself, and they were also being themselves in that they responded to me in their own ways.

You don't have to think that, as a man, every dating failure is your fault. Nor does anyone have to go to the other extreme and be a misogynistic asshole and blame women for things not working out the way they wanted. Again, women, like man, are all different from each other. Some are boring, some are interesting, some are nice people and some are assholes, some are into you and some won't be regardless of what you do. Instead of wasting energy trying to figure out the mysterious reasons of why most women won't be into you (and most people on this planet won't be into you, unless you've been genetically blessed), move on and keep searching for those that will be. It's not like there's a shortage of women.

[Pendulous]

Plenty of Fish is similar but more widely used. A lot of people claim it's a "hook up" site like Tinder but it's really not. There's a mix of everything on there. And the "premium" just allows you to see the "Wants to Meet Me" bit. You can communicate for free. OKCupid is mostly scammers.

I thought for sure I had a profile there and there were less results, but apparently not. Finishing up one now.

[pateuvasiliu]

My standards aren't high. It's just that tinder is filled with men like what I just linked, there's no choice among them. They're ugly.

If you can't find a hot dude to date then the hot dudes probably think you're ugly too.

[Mistame]

I thought for sure I had a profile there and there were less results, but apparently not. Finishing up one now.

Meh, I'm a dude and have lots of "matches", but I don't initiate conversations. If someone's interested, they can message me. If not, they're not worth the trouble.

[shadowmouse]

I am aware of the social dynamics

No, you think you are but you are missing the point.

You are going on about math as if you find it relevant to the person you are trying to communicate with. You think math quantifies the whole issue and disposes of it, and in that regard you fit the low context model. Notice the difference in language. You are constantly assigning numbers to things, she is using descriptions such as "ugly" and providing pictures. If she is somewhat typical of a high context communicator, her idea of ugly will encompass a range of factors that won't necessarily register on you (and probably not on me). This is further complicated by the way different cultures define beauty.

You are both using English to argue, but the communication isn't working because you aren't really on the same sheet of music.

[Daneman]

There are enough that people write books on them.

Let me try to give you something really short and oversimplified to help show the difference. First here are some notes from: http://www2.pacific.edu/sis/culture/...igh_and_Lo.htm

High Context --

High use of nonverbal elements; voice tone, facial expression, gestures, and eye movement carry significant parts of conversation.

Verbal message is implicit; context (situation, people, nonverbal elements) is more important than words.

Verbal message is indirect; one talks around the point and embellishes it.

Communication is seen as an art form—a way of engaging someone.

Disagreement is personalized. One is sensitive to conflict expressed in another's nonverbal communication. Conflict either must be solved before work can progress or must be avoided because it is personally threatening.

Low Context --

Low use of nonverbal elements. Message is carried more by words than by nonverbal means.

Verbal message is explicit. Context is less important than words.

Verbal message is direct; one spells things out exactly.

Communication is seen as a way of exchanging information, ideas, and opinions.

Disagreement is depersonalized. One withdraws from conflict with another and gets on with the task. Focus is on rational solutions, not personal ones. One can be explicit about another's bothersome behavior.

One example of this may be playing out in this thread with the back and forth between @pateuvasiliu and @Freighter. He keeps going on about math, she keeps answering with social dynamics. They both analyze the problem through their respective filters, but math isn't going to persuade her and he won't let go of math to understand her point.

For a personal example, I've noted that Fiancee 2.1 doesn't speak English and my Chinese is at best phrasal and applies to limited situations like dining. In a low context environment, that just wouldn't work. We'd be missing an important tool because "Verbal message is explicit. Context is less important than words. Verbal message is direct; one spells things out exactly." She is, however, high context and I've been here for 17 years so I've sort of learned to follow the signals -- and since we've know each other for seven years she has learned to hit me between the eyes hard enough with the clues to get my attention. For us, communication is less about words and fits the high context model better: "High use of nonverbal elements; voice tone, facial expression, gestures, and eye movement carry significant parts of conversation. Verbal message is implicit; context (situation, people, nonverbal elements) is more important than words."

I'm eating breakfast. I don't like to eat a significant amount for breakfast, I feel like it slows me down. She is trying to get ready for a day at work, she knows that I don't like to eat much for breakfast, I even told her that I knew she was busy and I'd just have some yogurt. Nope, I've got a plate stacked with steamed buns, steamed bread, and two hard boiled eggs, with a bowl of congee on the side. Why? Because it shows she cares about me and wants to take care of me. "Have you eaten yet" is central enough to the culture that it is used as a greeting, so it is important to her that I start the day with a good meal. Why am I going to eat it all? It shows that I appreciate her effort. It is more than I intended to eat, but she is charming about fussing over me. Later, if she gets busy at work she won't worry about me because she knows she fed me a big breakfast. Our day tends to be full of things like that.

Holy shit, I'm glad the thai girl I'm with is well adjusted to danish culture compared to that because I would go crazy if I had to deal with that.

- - - Updated - - -

Ugly? Holy absurd standards, Batman. Objectively, there's a couple of 6's and maybe a 7. You're about a 7 with makeup.

She's a would bang/10.

[Fencers]

What's wrong with being a white dude?

Nothing. It is reported by my friends to be a common thing.

[Mistame]

You are both using English to argue, but the communication isn't working because you aren't really on the same sheet of music.

So she's pretentious to boot?

[Freighter]

If you can't find a hot dude to date then the hot dudes probably think you're ugly too.

I can, it just takes time to swipe past all the ugly men since there are so many of them.

- - - Updated - - -

Meh, I'm a dude and have lots of "matches", but I don't initiate conversations. If someone's interested, they can message me. If not, they're not worth the trouble.

Why would a woman message you first?

[Mistame]

Why would a woman message you first?

Why wouldn't she? There is no unwritten rule that says the man has to approach the woman. And these days, when people equate staring with "rape", it's not worth the hassle to initiate. I don't need a woman, but if one shows interest then we'll go from there. /shrug

[Belize]

Okay, so I took pictures of everyone I swiped for some minutes, if it hadn't been so time consuming I'd do it for 100.

http://i.imgur.com/5js8R0l.jpg

None of those are what I'd consider hot men, didn't swipe right on anyone.

The guy with the cat is absolutely a keeper

[Nitro Fun]

My standards aren't high. It's just that tinder is filled with men like what I just linked, there's no choice among them. They're ugly.

Okay, so I took pictures of everyone I swiped for some minutes, if it hadn't been so time consuming I'd do it for 100.

http://i.imgur.com/5js8R0l.jpg

None of those are what I'd consider hot men, didn't swipe right on anyone.

Are you fucking serious? Some of those are ok looking. The man in the bottom right corner? You seriously can't be considering HIM ugly too?

[shadowmouse]

So Asian women are pretentious to boot?

Go get a cup or six of coffee and get back when you've caught up on your homework.

First, your comment is about as daft as lumping all European and North American women together as one group. Just as a Swedish woman and a Greek woman are likely to have differences, guess what? Yep, there are huge differences across Asia.

Second, pay attention to the point about differences in communication styles. Labeling this as "pretentious" shows you're missing the point (aside from just trying to be snide). Calling someone a 7 fits low context patterns, it doesn't really fit high context as well. Language like "ugly" may seem to say the same kind of thing according to a dictionary, but the dictionary won't cover the range of nuance and differences in cultural values.

Holy shit, I'm glad the thai girl I'm with is well adjusted to danish culture compared to that because I would go crazy if I had to deal with that.

If I recall, isn't she second generation or at least immigrated at an early age? That will make a difference. As a rough comparison, she fits my role in my story. Still, be prepared for culture clash to creep in from time to time. There may be things that you just don't pick up on. Fiancee 2.1 and I have lots of practice, but we still have our moments where it takes awhile to puzzle out where the miscommunication was.

[Mistame]

The guy with the cat is absolutely a keeper

I think there's a bunch of women on PoF looking for you. "Must be an animal lover". I don't have the heart to tell them that's mostly a girl thing.

Go get a cup or six of coffee and get back when you've caught up on your homework.

First, your comment is about as daft as lumping all European and North American women together as one group. Just as a Swedish woman and a Greek woman are likely to have differences, guess what? Yep, there are huge differences across Asia.

Slow your role there, kiddo. How fucking long did you sit on that post? Go back and look. I edited it because I realized how generalizing it was. In fact, I edited soon enough it doesn't even say that I edited it. Speaking of context, learn satire.

Second, pay attention to the point about differences in communication styles. Labeling this as "pretentious" shows you're missing the point (aside from just trying to be snide). Calling someone a 7 fits low context patterns, it doesn't really fit high context as well. Language like "ugly" may seem to say the same kind of thing according to a dictionary, but the dictionary won't cover the range of nuance and differences in cultural values.

All this seems to do is redirect blame to the English speakers. If I'm speaking in Mandarin, you can bitch about my inability to use or parse "higher context". But we're speaking in English. The onus is on you (or her) to ensure it translates correctly.

Edit: Read a bit of what you posted on the other page and it makes sense, in spite of seeming a bit too "emo" for me.

[Belize]

I think there's a bunch of women on PoF looking for you. "Must be an animal lover". I don't have the heart to tell them that's mostly a girl thing.

...what's PoF...

[Nitro Fun]

...what's PoF...

Plenty of fish. A dating page.

[Belize]

Plenty of fish. A dating page.

Aaahhh.

Yeah, I'm really behind the times when it comes to dating. I know someone who identifies as a hopeless romantic.

So I just identify as hopeless.

[Mistame]

Aaahhh.

Yeah, I'm really behind the times when it comes to dating. I know someone who identifies as a hopeless romantic.

So I just identify as hopeless.

Haha. I feel ya. :/