Suicidal Thoughts

[XanderZone]

I haven't been in good shape at all for the last few years. I have zero confidence and many other emotional issues. I have chronic OCD along with being overly sensitive. I've become insane, and I'm not the same person I once was. I'm pretty sure I'll crack and end up as a criminal some day. I haven't had any positive things happen to me these last few years, and it's building up. The other day I lost it because my car was stalling, I destroyed it with a metal baseball bat. Both were flat afterwards. I've never had any urge to harm another person, and I never will. I'm afraid I'm going to severely injure myself purely out of rage. I've also been having suicidal thoughts such as; "Would a knife be quicker than a fall?", "Would consuming a poisonous substance be more peaceful?". I don't want to kill or harm myself, but I do not see a valid reason not to. As far as I can tell, I've got no future. I feel like there's nothing for me here. Is there anything else I should do other than seeking help? Am I just going through a phase? I just needed to get all of this out before I actually seek professional guidance. I'm not trying to bring anyone down, as I am happy myself at the moment.

Do you have any stories you'd like to share? I'd love to read them, Thanks for reading.

[stuck4cash]

I haven't been in good shape at all for the last few years. I have zero confidence and many other emotional issues. I have chronic OCD along with being overly sensitive. I've become insane, and I'm not the same person I once was. I'm pretty sure I'll crack and end up as a criminal some day. I haven't had any positive things happen to me these last few years, and it's building up. The other day I lost it because my car was stalling, I destroyed it with a metal baseball bat. Both were flat afterwards. I've never had any urge to harm another person, and I never will. I'm afraid I'm going to severely injure myself purely out of rage. I've also been having suicidal thoughts such as; "Would a knife be quicker than a fall?", "Would consuming a poisonous substance be more peaceful?". I don't want to kill or harm myself, but I do not see a valid reason not to. As far as I can tell, I've got no future. I feel like there's nothing for me here. Is there anything else I should do other than seeking help? Am I just going through a phase? I just needed to get all of this out before I actually seek professional guidance.

Do you have any stories you'd like to share? I'd love to read them, Thanks for reading.

Insane people don't realise they're insane so from that point of you, you're ok.

Secondly, it sounds like you have control issues, OCD, anger management, etc. For that I would seek professional help. It can be very difficult/impossible to control. This is why many many people struggle with large parts of their life.

Finally, it's important to find something positive. Anything at all and latch onto it. If you have nothing positive at all then you need to find something new to do! For me, it was taking up a team based sport (ice hockey... in Australia funnily enough) and I recommend it for all. I love computer games as much as most people but they are definitely downers for most people. Maybe not all the time but in the long run they can definitely have a negative effect when they're the *only* thing you do. (This is from my own personal experience where I have seen at least 5-6 of my close friends and myself become very negative/depressed after spending too much time playing games, only alleviated after getting more of a balanced lifestyle).

[Klingensturm]

Woah, you are messed up. Sorry, but it had to be said.

[Rixarius]

The worst feeling in the world is feeling like you're wasting space in this world. I know that feeling oh so well. While all my friends went to college and made new friends, I got stuck at a minimum wage job living with my grandparents because I couldn't pay for college. You just have to play with the hand that life deals you.

The best way to change that mindset is to prove yourself wrong, do something productive, spontaneous. If you're allowing yourself to trap yourself in thought then you're not busy enough. Get up, take action.

Set goals. Small goals. And accomplish them every day.

[Raediance]

I had a friend in guild that sounded eerily similar to what you're sharing here right now. You feel like you have no control. While the solution is different for everyone, a great first step is trying to find something you can control. This should be something positive in your life. Again, different for everyone. You will be okay. It may be a few years, but you will make it to the other side of these problems you're having.

[vizzle]

Go to the gym. It'll help.

[Scummer]

Go to the gym. It'll help.

Oh I found that worked.
When I was depressed and felt hopeless I began going to the gym. I really helped. If there's one thing that will build self esteem it's getting your body in real shape as the results are very hard to argue with.
The other thing that really helped me was playing with my younger cousins who are 8 and 5. That was a breath of fresh air.

My life for the last year and a half has been garbage. I was alone and angry at myself and everybody around me. I'm on the mend. I'm considering a course in IT.

The thought of suicide is tough because most people have different opinions of death. The way I reassured myself simply was due to finality of it all. When you are dead that's it. Nothing. Even when I was at my lowest I didn't hate it enough for me to simply stop existing.

[Paximus]

Insane people don't realise they're insane so from that point of you, you're ok.

Secondly, it sounds like you have control issues, OCD, anger management, etc. For that I would seek professional help. It can be very difficult/impossible to control. This is why many many people struggle with large parts of their life.

Not to harp on one part of a great post, but I "suffer" from OCD and while I have bouts of rage from things that wouldn't bother a "normal" person, I wouldn't say that would lead to suicide.

I find fulfilling the obsessive side (that can cause me to beat something into submission; a car, mouse, whatevs) fills me satisfaction, not a sense of needing to end it all.

OT: If you feel like hurting yourself in any fashion, seek help. Be it professional or just talking to a friend. You need something, clearly. Thinking about hurting yourself isn't healthy.

[Rucati]

I imagine you'd be pretty hard pressed to find a person on the planet that hasn't thought of suicide at least once. Even if the thought only lasted a minute, I'd imagine most people have considered it.

Anyway I don't have any interesting stories, but you aren't alone. I'm in kind of an odd situation myself, I'm not really depressed, I have good friends/family and all, but my life is going nowhere. I know it's my own fault, but like I can't be asked to fix it. I want to take classes in some sort of tech field, but I'm just too lazy/unmotivated to do so. I've kind of always been this way, wanting to do things, like actually really wanting to do things, but being too unmotivated to do it at the same time. And it really bothers me. Not just school type things, I can sit at my computer for an hour wanting to play a video game and end up just going and watching TV because playing a game seemed like too much work. Like things I enjoy doing, things I want to do, I just can't bring myself to do sometimes and it's insanely aggravating because I know my life will never go forward because of it. However, at the same time, I'm kind of happy with where my life is now, and if I were to live like this for 20 more years and die I'd be content with it all, but I know I should try to push myself forward and not be content where I am, but it's just hard for me to do anything about it.

I'd say the only reason I'm annoyed/depressed about it is because it's my own fault. I work from home, which is great, make my own schedule and all that and I actually do something I quite enjoy doing. But because I work from home my social life is basically nonexistent, I leave my house once a week at most, sometimes I'll go 2-3 weeks without even leaving my house. I don't really have any close friends anymore and I know I'll never meet anyone new since I don't do anything. I know I could just go out and do something, like I'm going to a bar this weekend for the first time in my life (and the first time I'll have left my house in 3 weeks) but I just don't have the motivation to do that type of thing more than once a month. As much as I want to do it, as much as I want to go out and have fun with friends, I just can't bring myself to do it. Even if I'm invited out, I'll usually just make up some excuse and not go. And it really bothers me, but at the same time I can't fix it, which is weird because it's entirely my fault to begin with. Not sure, maybe I'm insane too, putting myself through this to prevent something good from happening to me because I feel I don't deserve it? I don't really know. Just keep thinking about my past and how a little decision here or there could have changed my life to be so much better, but dwelling on it won't help and I know that, yet I do it anyway.

Anyway that was a lot more ranty/depressing than I intended. I feel like most people have something about themselves they dislike and want to change, and I know for a fact every single person on the planet has stretches of bad times where it seems like nothing is going right. And most of the time things do improve eventually somehow, whether by luck or because the person did something to make it better.

I'd say if you feel like something is truly wrong see a professional for help, either a therapist or a psychiatrist depending on what you think you need. But that gets expensive sometimes, which is ironic because then it's another bill, and more stress, and more problems for most people. They can help though, so it is always an option.

[Well]

I haven't been in good shape at all for the last few years. I have zero confidence and many other emotional issues. I have chronic OCD along with being overly sensitive. I've become insane, and I'm not the same person I once was. I'm pretty sure I'll crack and end up as a criminal some day. I haven't had any positive things happen to me these last few years, and it's building up. The other day I lost it because my car was stalling, I destroyed it with a metal baseball bat. Both were flat afterwards. I've never had any urge to harm another person, and I never will. I'm afraid I'm going to severely injure myself purely out of rage. I've also been having suicidal thoughts such as; "Would a knife be quicker than a fall?", "Would consuming a poisonous substance be more peaceful?". I don't want to kill or harm myself, but I do not see a valid reason not to. As far as I can tell, I've got no future. I feel like there's nothing for me here. Is there anything else I should do other than seeking help? Am I just going through a phase? I just needed to get all of this out before I actually seek professional guidance. I'm not trying to bring anyone down, as I am happy myself at the moment.

Do you have any stories you'd like to share? I'd love to read them, Thanks for reading.

<Psychologist

What you describe is obviously not okay (since you also feel it's not ok). It's actually very hard to have chronic OCD, and I really doubt that you do have (or even your implied depression), especially since you haven't seeked help yet as you say.

Other than that, it would obviously be unwise to start a conversation in a public thread. If you have questions etc, don't feel held back to PM.

I would also like to point out to everyone in the thread, that depression, OCD and any other psychological disorder are not something light. An individual suffering from a disorder is ill, and would be highly unlikely to even make a post on the forums.

[Azmaria]

I've just recently got through my depression.
Around the aneversery of my grandfathers death my depression gets bad but its normally something I can handle. Sadly this year was too much I had also lost another family member and a close friend. Being down was effecting my work performance and that in turn got people on me some going so far as to harass me. Working at a mental institution can be draining especially when it's with children. I've lasted nearly 6 years here while most usually quit within 10 months. Anywho everything just kept building up till it got to the point where I snapped. After my shift was over I went home got a rope and made a noose, got everything set up to hang myself and then I just had an emotional break down which stopped me. I called my friend to come over and keep an eye on me and for a week or so I was good. Then my girlfriend decided we needed to take a break. She was young and wanted to go out to party and do drugs "experience life" as she put it. This hit me really hard because I had things set up for a nice date where I was going to propose to her. The pain for me was unbearable and this time I grabbed a knife and was going to stab myself. I would have to had it not of been for my sister calling me who then took me over to the hospital where I admitted myself. I've been seeing a therapist since to work on my problems and am doing better even preparing to go back to school so I can leave this stressful job and do what I enjoy.

My suggestion would be to let those close to you know you are having a rough time with depression and to not be afraid to put yourself in the hospital if need be. You aren't weak if you do that in fact doing so means your strong and you know it's going to take more then just you to work through this.

[Noomz]

I haven't been in good shape at all for the last few years. I have zero confidence and many other emotional issues. I have chronic OCD along with being overly sensitive. I've become insane, and I'm not the same person I once was. I'm pretty sure I'll crack and end up as a criminal some day. I haven't had any positive things happen to me these last few years, and it's building up. The other day I lost it because my car was stalling, I destroyed it with a metal baseball bat. Both were flat afterwards. I've never had any urge to harm another person, and I never will. I'm afraid I'm going to severely injure myself purely out of rage. I've also been having suicidal thoughts such as; "Would a knife be quicker than a fall?", "Would consuming a poisonous substance be more peaceful?". I don't want to kill or harm myself, but I do not see a valid reason not to. As far as I can tell, I've got no future. I feel like there's nothing for me here. Is there anything else I should do other than seeking help? Am I just going through a phase? I just needed to get all of this out before I actually seek professional guidance. I'm not trying to bring anyone down, as I am happy myself at the moment.

Do you have any stories you'd like to share? I'd love to read them, Thanks for reading.

Oh I could share many stories with you.
I recognize myself in you a lot. I feel the same way, that very little positive things have happened to me the last years. I can be a wreck. I can also get these extreme bouts of rage, over really small things, where I throw things and hit things. Over the last 7 years I've been diagnosed with Aspergers, I've been through testicular cancer, lost all my pets, been through appendix surgery and the infection of said surgery wound (never been so physicly sick) and I've been through anxiety-attacks so severe I was crying in fear of dying. I've gained 15+ kilograms of weight, making me overweight. I haven't had a girlfriend in, well I can't even remember last time I had a girlfriend. I haven't had a job, ever, because my cancer happened right after my graduation. I have no higher education, so I'm not qualified for any jobs.

That's just the last 7 years. I have a lot of other things I could mention, but that I feel are a bit too private in an open discussion like this.

7 years of constant pain and struggle. But in all this time, I've never thought about suicide. Why? Because that'd be to betray myself and all my loved ones, and all the effort I've put into everything. It would be to admit defeat and surrender. And if there's something I'm really bad at, it's losing. I refuse to give up, because if I do, all the things I hate and all the things I'm against, will have won over me. That and I have a lot of pleasures in life still. I love food, I really love food, from all over the world. I love science in all it's forms. I love gaming. I love music (heavy metal!) books and movies. I wanna experience more of all of them. My biggest regret is that I can't live forever to experience more of it.

But, it seems to me that you would benefit from having someone to talk to about how you feel and everything around you. It gets tough if you can't express yourself, if you bottle it all up. Perhaps you could even benefit from medication. I take anti-depressants and I have other meds in case I really need them for strong anxiety-attacks, they don't weight me down or make me feel ill, nor do they dull my senses or my thinking.

If you wish to ask me anything, don't hesitate to do so. I'll try to answer and help to the best of my abilities.

[Paximus]

<Psychologist

What you describe is obviously not okay (since you also feel it's not ok). It's actually very hard to have chronic OCD, and I really doubt that you do have (or even your implied depression), especially since you haven't seeked help yet as you say.

Other than that, it would obviously be unwise to start a conversation in a public thread. If you have questions etc, don't feel held back to PM.

I would also like to point out to everyone in the thread, that depression, OCD and any other psychological disorder are not something light. An individual suffering from a disorder is ill, and would be highly unlikely to even make a post on the forums.

Calm down there with the armchair diagnoses. I am a diagnosed OCD patient and I can post about it just fine.

Plenty of people who suffer from mental disorders might find their only refuge is a anonymous web forum. Saying otherwise is ludicrous.

Every patient is unique in how they can handle their issues. There is no such thing as a uniform symptom when it comes to the brain,

[Well]

Calm down there with the armchair diagnoses. I am a diagnosed OCD patient and I can post about it just fine.

Plenty of people who suffer from mental disorders might find their only refuge is a anonymous web forum. Saying otherwise is ludicrous.

Every patient is unique in how they can handle their issues. There is no such thing as a uniform symptom when it comes to the brain,

That's obvious. But I didn't actually say anything of what you accused me of. I also find your agression, worrying.

[Selestarius]

<Psychologist

What you describe is obviously not okay (since you also feel it's not ok). It's actually very hard to have chronic OCD, and I really doubt that you do have (or even your implied depression), especially since you haven't seeked help yet as you say.

Other than that, it would obviously be unwise to start a conversation in a public thread. If you have questions etc, don't feel held back to PM.

I would also like to point out to everyone in the thread, that depression, OCD and any other psychological disorder are not something light. An individual suffering from a disorder is ill, and would be highly unlikely to even make a post on the forums.

(sorry for the off- topic -- but, you're wrong. for starters I know two people personally who have suffered through depression (one who is undergoing it currently), both individuals had to be pushed towards seeking help, hard. The fact that you describe yourself as a psychologist yet at the same time seem to be under the impression that mental illness manifests itself in the same way "would be highly unlikely to even make a post on the forums" "especially since you haven't seeked help yet as you say".
In addition, you fail to consider the possibility of other issues, for example a person whose locus of identity is exterior to themselves will seek validation no matter what the circumstance, as will those who are prone to seeking the attention of others. The bottom line is that you are certainly not helping in this scenario and I would argue that you are, in effect, calling the OP's cry for help unwise.)

@ OP - You are openly admitting that you have a problem, which, as cliché as it sounds is actually a good step towards solving the issue. A lot of people have gone through identity crises at points in their life or, have flipped out, apparently at random. My suggestion would be that, if these issues continue to occur, such as continuous destructive behaviour, to seek an anger management therapist, in addition a Psychologist would be able to help with your depression. I hope that helps

[Hooked]

If I were feeling depressed like you I would probably just take a vacation to a 3rd world country. Americans get treated very well in poor countries, may help you get confidence and also relieve some stress.

[Selestarius]

That's obvious. But I didn't actually say anything of what you accused me of. I also find your agression, worrying.

There is no hint of aggression in his post, once again, you sure you're a psychologist there buddy? :P

[Sierra85]

i think you should seek some (more?) professional help because if you bottle it up it will do more harm than good. trust me on that.

[derpkitteh]

sounds terrible. got some problems of my own too, that just recently started to pop up.

few months back, about february, i stayed awake watching nothing but naruto shippuden. i was trying to get caught up on the english version, because it had been a long while since i last saw it. well... 3 days of this, and i was finally caught up. i went to lay down and all the sudden had this... feeling wash over me. i gagged and felt horrible. i felt like i don't even know, and then i just felt dead inside. no feeling at all. i could feel emotions, but they were severely dulled. when i would pet my cats, i would normally feel really good in my chest/stomach, like love and such. but after this, i felt it still... but a dulled feeling of it.

now, not long after this, the thoughts started to come. thoughts about death and killing. and i basically fought them like "fuck that shit" and "fuck no, fuck you" in my head. but the thoughts weren't my own doing, they just happened. i have no control over them. i don't desire to see/think of things like that, but they show up anyway. i thought it would just go away, and the numbness inside has slightly gone away. but the thoughts are still here, and now they have fixated on loli hentai (which i am NOT attracted to), and crush porn (i loath crush porn, and i think anyone that does it should be executed). idk what caused this, but i did have prior problems.

before this, i was almost constantly depressed. i still am depressed, but i feel it in a dulled way now. and i would think the type of suicidal thoughts where "i wish i would have never been born" or "i wish i could erase myself from existence". not killing myself, but actually never existing in the first place. i also felt a lot of guilt, for having snapped at my brother once, and almost really hurting him. i still feel the guilt of this, and it's something i could never forgive myself for. i don't know if this is the cause, but this sucks. what sucks more... i don't have the money to get treated for this kind of crap... so if things get too bad in the future.. i might have to kill myself. life fucking sucks :/

[Well]

It's rather funny or even sad how people put their own personal experiences over an expert. You, guys assume too many stuff for me to help and are trying to read behind the lines which is not the intent.

I will leave it to that. Help the OP as you deem fit and good, and let's see how he/she will be helped. Go ahead.