So, I was reading a post on reddit earlier, about peoples' "Truth-of-Dare stories". And it really got me thinking... my life has really been just completely and utterly meaningless. I've never even just "had fun" before.
I'm always "the responsible one", even when I was a teenager. I was the person who people liked hanging out with, and could always count on, but never got invited to parties, to the movies... The moment I wasn't of use, I just ceased to exist to people, including my own "friends" (none of whom I've stayed in contact with). I was always nervous around girls to begin with (namely because I didn't go to school until high-school; long story), and never being involved in anything just made high-school a hellish experience.
Thing is, I guess I hadn't really thought about it in a while, but things haven't really gotten any better. I'm 26 now, and I've never so much as *held hands* with a girl, let alone share a kiss or have sex with. I mean, it definitely used to be my appearance; I was really overweight, and only started really focusing on taking care of myself fairly recently. But honestly, I don't even know that I'm the kind of person now who can even *have* fun.
To put things into perspective, the last time I actually "celebrated" my birthday was about three years ago, when I turned 23. Well, the night basically went that I got to have a single drink before realizing that all of my "friends" were getting hammered, so I wound up having to spend the night taking care of them, before finally driving them all home. Since then, I've moved away, and cut all ties to anyone I used to know, save for my immediate family.
I wish I could say things felt like they were getting better; I mean, I'm dieting, working out, looking to go back to college soon, but I just feel like I'm just destined to never be "happy". At the age I'm at now, everyone is kind of settled into their lives and looking for stability, but all that's going through my mind is "Why didn't *I* ever get to have fun? Why didn't I get to just 'enjoy life' and sleep around"?
Right now, my future is basically looking like "Try to get a stable job, and then just do that until you die". I don't know anybody, I'm not charismatic or confident enough to go out and make new friends, and I'm definitely not good-looking enough to just ask a stranger out. The past ten years of my life has been a waste, and I'm even less optimistic about the next ten.
I'm sorry for typing all of that shit out, it's just not something I normally think about. I've grown so content to just being isolated to my own little world, that I never inconvenience anyone else, that I feel like I've become a zombie. Just... empty and hollow. I've spent so much of my life alone, I just don't think I'm even capable of fixing whatever's wrong with me now.