The "addictive secrets" of married cheaters

[Tennis]

For a long time, infidelity was seen as a man’s game, a cliché story line of married business men hooking up with their secretaries. But the landscape for cheating in the last few decades has changed and experts say women are cheating just as much as men.

In her new book State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity, author and psychotherapist Esther Perel said since the 1990s, the rate of married women who have cheated has increased by 40 per cent, CNN notes. The rates among men, however, have not changed.

Ceilidhe Wynn, a matchmaker for Friend of a Friend Matchmaking and relationship expert based in Ottawa, says it’s not only that women are cheating more, but a lot more of them are talking about it as well.

“Women have the same opportunities [to cheat], but we are still told not to be sexual people and cheating is seen as a sexual act,” she tells Global News, adding at the same time, women are more open about the reasons they cheat on their spouses.

Being able to work in a larger social network with all kinds of people has also made cheating more accessible, says Dr. Jessica O’Reilly, host of the @SexWithDrJess Podcast.

An increase in income is also important — women don’t have to rely on their husbands if the relationship does go sour. “We do have some data suggesting that higher income earners are more likely to cheat,” O’Reilly says.

The pleasure in an affair

Violet (who has decided to only share her first name) of Ontario was married for 13 years before she joined Ashley Madison in 2010, a dating site for people seeking others who are married or in relationships.

The site, whose parent company settled in a data breach lawsuit earlier this year, is free for women. In Canada, the ratio of women to men is three active females for every one paid active male, the company confirmed with Global News.

“It was the secret,” she says. “It was something that was mine and I didn’t have to share it with anyone else.”

The 47-year-old stay-at-home mom says she was in a happy marriage. She was raising two young children, her husband worked towards his career and she never felt neglected at home. But after 13 years of her routine life, it became stagnant.

“I began to feel unsexy and I heard about the site and thought to take a look… I didn’t expect to meet somebody who fit my criteria.”

That year she met a married man she fell in love with and things quickly became addictive. He was an educated professional father who was in a similar situation as she was. The relationship lasted on-and-off for seven years and Violet’s current husband still has no idea.

“It was intense … for three years,” she says. “We were seeing each other multiple times a week, talking on the phone, emailing, sending texts … he was my primary go-to, he was more my husband than my husband was.”

After the three years, he ended up leaving his own wife, but Violet chose to stay with her husband and kids. While her affair has recently dissolved, she went back on the dating site three months ago. So far, she hasn’t met anyone like him.

“I think I am looking to replace what I had.”

Nobody knows Violet’s secret and she doesn’t ever plan on telling her husband.

“There’s a stigma attached to cheating,” she says. “I would hate for my children to know their mother did this. I can say my husband is a very good man, but everyone’s story is individual.

“Once you choose to step outside of your marriage, it’s very hard not to go back. There’s something you miss, over years of marriage, attention and physical as well, but in an affair, you can explore different things.”

Claire, 45, of Toronto had a similar stale marriage. Coming from a sexless one, she joined Ashley Madison in 2006 and ended up meeting her current partner.

The two are now both divorced, live together and have been in an open relationship for the last three years. “[This way] we can both experience other people … we missed out on a lot when we were married.”

Her partner is currently on the site, while she sees another man on her own time. They both have each other’s passwords (but she says they haven’t logged in) and have ongoing conversations about the people they chat with.

When she first cheated on her now ex-husband, she says it was about the sex, but it also showed her how awful her home life and marriage were.

“You have no idea what’s going on behind closed doors in another marriage,” she says. “Nobody else knew what my marriage was like when I cheated.”

Socially acceptable to cheat

But no matter how many more people are doing it or how easy it is to find single (and married) people to cheat with, O’Reilly says it’s still not socially acceptable to cheat — and never will be.

“I do think its acceptance is still gendered with women being judged more harshly,” she says, adding the younger generation, however, is a lot more open to a broader range of relationships.

“They seem to understand that monogamy is a choice and that they can custom-design their relationships according to their needs,” she says. “They’re looking for reasonable solutions that meet mutually agreed upon practical, emotional and sexual needs.

“I believe that cheating rates will decline in the upcoming decade as couples realize that monogamy is not an imperative, but one of many arrangements into which you can opt in or opt out. “

But cheating is still a dirty word, Wynn adds, and although she doesn’t condone it, she understands what drives people to do it.

“You have needs that aren’t being met and we’re all selfish creatures,” she says. “At the end, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with [cheating] if we’re looking for fulfillment. It doesn’t make us bad people.”

The fine line between being a “good” and “bad” person is always on Violet’s mind, and although she says she would feel betrayed if her husband had cheated on her (she also agrees it is hypocritical), she doesn’t necessarily think she’s a bad person.

“I don’t feel like either of the men I was involved with were bad people either,” she says. “Everybody’s situation is individual. I don’t feel bad, I don’t feel guilty … it’s this bubble and nothing from the outside can affect us. It’s just you and that person.”

https://globalnews.ca/news/3841833/why-women-cheat/

Whoa this is really disturbing. We all need to be on guard and careful that we aren't getting burnt by this. Clearly there are some real scumbags out there.

[the game]

The #1 cause for cheating spouses is marriage. If you don't get married you won't have a spouse that cheats on you.

[Tennis]

The #1 cause for cheating spouses is marriage. If you don't get married you won't have a spouse that cheats on you.

If you don't get married then you're likely setting yourself for a life of mediocrity and loneliness though.

[belfpala]

The #1 cause for cheating spouses is marriage. If you don't get married you won't have a spouse that cheats on you.

Absolutely profound.

[unfilteredJW]

If you don't get married then you're likely setting yourself for a life of mediocrity and loneliness though.

Source please?

[belfpala]

If you don't get married then you're likely setting yourself for a life of mediocrity and loneliness though.

Absolutely schtick.

[PhantasmagoriaX]

@Tennis,

Im surprised to see you post this given your outlook on marriage.

On another note:
One thing I dont understand is if you are unhappy with the way your relationship is going why don't you just break up with the person who makes you unhappy, and don't give me that bull about staying together for the kids cause they can tell you are unhappy thus making their lives harder too.

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If you don't get married then you're likely setting yourself for a life of mediocrity and loneliness though.

Not true, I have a boyfriend and very happy with where we are at.

[the game]

If you don't get married then you're likely setting yourself for a life of mediocrity and loneliness though.

I would think it's lonelier that your spouse is sleeping around with another dude or another chick. Would mean you aren't doing your job well as their spouse.

[Tennis]

Not true, I have a boyfriend and very happy with where we are at.

Exactly bud. You're happy for now but looking and data we can see that most of these "long term bf gf" relationships end up nowhere. Many times in ends in cheating and ugly breakups because of how easy it is for either side to end.

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[Celestial476]

Exactly bud. You're happy for now but looking and data we can see that most of these "long term bf gf" relationships end up nowhere. Many times in ends in cheating and ugly breakups because of how easy it is for either side to end.

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Ehh I think it is a case by case basis. I just got married last month after being in a ten year relationship with my wife before hand, the only reason we really got married was parents griping about wanting to see it done.

I know it's too 'early' to say nothing has changed but quite literally nothing between us has changed, we don't feel different, we're just as happy as we were two months ago, the year before that and the year before that. In a manner of speaking we were already married in mind, this is just something more 'legal' so I get a piece of paper that says I get to jump through all kinds of legal hoops now.

[Elba]

Exactly bud. You're happy for now but looking and data we can see that most of these "long term bf gf" relationships end up nowhere. Many times in ends in cheating and ugly breakups because of how easy it is for either side to end.

Maybe work on your dick game. A satisfied woman does not cheat.

[Kathandira]

Ah! More magic ring rhetoric.

Guys, if you haven't consulted your local wizard, you should schedule an appointment to discuss the spell they will cast on your wedding ring that will change your relationship from successful, to magical!

[Super Kami Dende]

In my life and anecdotal experiences, I've come into contact with far more cheating Women than Men. If anything Men seem to be the more romantic Gender these days. Most of the "sex positive" shit that WOmen talk about these days is mostly just hoes justifying being hoes.

[Dys]

If you don't get married then you're likely setting yourself for a life of mediocrity and loneliness though.

Thought processes like those are why the divorce rates are so high. Fall in line, sheep, do as you're told.

[the game]

Thought processes like those are why the divorce rates are so high. Fall in line, sheep, do as you're told.

the #1 cause of divorce is getting married.

[LiiLoSNK]

If you don't get married then you're likely setting yourself for a life of mediocrity and loneliness though.

A basement bound Confucius couldn't have said it better himself.

[Rennadrel]

I guess we know who the unwed virgin in the room is now

[Laerrus]

People in that article have a weird way of reasoning and looking at things. They are also quite selfish.

Cheating basically amounts to dishonesty to both yourself and your spouse. Our parents generation made getting a divorce a socially acceptable thing. So, if you no longer are satisfied with the person that you are with, what is the point of staying legally bound to them? Personally, I think being upfront and honest with how you feel, will make life a whole lot easier and happier in the long run.

Edit: Even after being married for 7 years, I still think with my penis quite often. However, I chose not to act on those desires. I am also still content with my Wife. Hell, she even tells me when she thinks a particular guy looks hot, nothing wrong with that.

[belfpala]

Ah! More magic ring rhetoric.

Guys, if you haven't consulted your local wizard, you should schedule an appointment to discuss the spell they will cast on your wedding ring that will change your relationship from successful, to magical!

I consulted the wizard once, but I think he was Warlock in disguise, and he cast Siphon Life on the ring...

[Mistame]

Women have always cheated as much, if not more, than men.

Whoa this is really disturbing. We all need to be on guard and careful that we aren't getting burnt by this. Clearly there are some real scumbags out there.

The only disturbing part is the marriage.

If you don't get married then you're likely setting yourself for a life of mediocrity and loneliness though.

Being married is pretty mediocre and monotonous. Humans aren't designed for one partner for life, as any rational or sane person knows.

Exactly bud. You're happy for now but looking and data we can see that most of these "long term bf gf" relationships end up nowhere. Many times in ends in cheating and ugly breakups because of how easy it is for either side to end.

News flash, kid: Marriage doesn't fix anything. A bad relationship will be bad regardless of your being married. At least being unmarried gives you the option of ending it without a bunch of legal ramifications (unless you live in Canada, in which case don't even co-habit with someone).