Ladies do you fear for your life when you reject a guy? Men do you get violent?

[Byleth]

A question: what is the proper body pose (sitting on a public transport) and facial expression that everyone should wear if they are inviting random discussion with a stranger?

I mean conventional wisdom would be someone who is sitting with an open posture and looking around at other passengers.

If someone has headphones in, and head buried in a phone/book, that's a good sign that they are closed off to conversation and want to be left alone. I appreciate that this is not true for everyone. But if someone were to engage with me when I am closed off like this, they are unlikely to receive a friendly response.

Side note, I don't believe this is true in every situation. For example I don't believe the above applies equally to someone who is sitting next to you on a long haul flight. Chances are they are just very bored and entertaining themselves in this instance. But if it's on public transport or at a bus stop, then yeah, they probably aren't interested in anything you have to say.

[Evil Midnight Bomber]

Your refusal is pending their approach in the first place. Absent strong cultural conventions, I wouldn't want to make assumptions about someone's wishes based on looks alone. I don't see the issue in simply greeting someone, and if that someone refuses to engage/respond, leave that person alone. Is that really so unreasonable?

Like I said, read their body language. You can get a pretty good idea if they're open to being interrupted.

[Anastacy]

I very much doubt there is one universal social convetion for that. But I know that folding your arms is usually considered as "blocking" when it comes to social interaction and body language, so I'd try to avoid that at least.

Folding arms is a comfort thing for me. I just like how it feels. Plus I have nervous/antsy ticks where my hands have to play with things, so keeping them "tied down" can be less distracting.

::shrug::

[GreenJesus]

Is this thread basically about "if you try to have a conversation with me in public it is literally rape"??

[Anastacy]

I mean conventional wisdom would be someone who is sitting with an open posture and looking around at other passengers.

If someone has headphones in, and head buried in a phone/book, that's a good sign that they are closed off to conversation and want to be left alone. I appreciate that this is not true for everyone. But if someone were to engage with me when I am closed off like this, they are unlikely to receive a friendly response.

So...okay...why is it wrong to approach someone with headphones/book, they say "Sorry, I'd like to finish this book", and the approaching party leaves them alone? Why are we trying to teach people to not approach in the first place, instead of how to cordially handle the exchanges?

[Crissi]

So...okay...why is it wrong to approach someone with headphones/book, they say "Sorry, I'd like to finish this book", and the approaching party leaves them alone? Why are we trying to teach people to not approach in the first place, instead of how to cordially handle the exchanges?

Probably because you may or may not be the first or the last to have asked that. If an attractive person gets this a lot, it's going to get very annoying, so its better for people to just read body language first and judge form there.

[sarahtasher]

Is this thread basically about "if you try to have a conversation with me in public it is literally rape"??

No, not at all. No one says that. I do say however that some PUA losers can't take a raging clue.

[Anastacy]

Probably because you may or may not be the first or the last to have asked that. If an attractive person gets this a lot, it's going to get very annoying, so its better for people to just read body language first and judge form there.

It's too bad that I don't share the "pains" of being conventionally attractive.

[sarahtasher]

So...okay...why is it wrong to approach someone with headphones/book, they say "Sorry, I'd like to finish this book", and the approaching party leaves them alone? Why are we trying to teach people to not approach in the first place, instead of how to cordially handle the exchanges?

I know the point is not getting across, but this is called interrupting the person. I can guarantee you that the studs doing this are not doing it with ladies that would be delighted to talk to someone for sure (such as ladies in their sixties instead of their sixteens)

[Byleth]

So...okay...why is it wrong to approach someone with headphones/book, they say "Sorry, I'd like to finish this book", and the approaching party leaves them alone? Why are we trying to teach people to not approach in the first place, instead of how to cordially handle the exchanges?

The problem is approaching them in the first place. They have given you plenty of non-verbal / body language clues that they do not want to be disturbed. You have then chosen to ignore that and are now bugging them. If you were to approach me on public transport when I was set up like this, I would probably look up at you, not remove my headphones and make a 'mad looking face'.

[Daara]

I asked a girl that had been flirting with me for weeks to come out with me one night and she flipped out on me because I was fairly older than her and I was relocating across the country the next month. I said "okay, you're entitled to feel that way" and then proceeded to stop talking to her. She wouldn't drop it though and continuously messaged me on facebook for awhile until I blocked her. Deep down I think she was just upset that I was leaving and nothing would come of it anyway...but who knows. People need to stop expecting men to not approach women they are interested in. Sure, don't be a creep and don't freak out when you get turned down but christ...this is beyond ridiculous at this point.

[Anastacy]

The problem is approaching them in the first place. They have given you plenty of non-verbal / body language clues that they do not want to be disturbed. You have then chosen to ignore that and are now bugging them. If you were to approach me on public transport when I was set up like this, I would probably look up at you, not remove my headphones and make a 'mad looking face'.

And that's an appropriate response to an unwanted interruption.

[Crissi]

It's too bad that I don't share the "pains" of being conventionally attractive.

Everyone has problems. Ugly, attractive, rich, poor. It's best to try and understand them rather than just "___" them.

Body language isn't that hard, and ignoring it just cause you want a shot is kind of a jerky thing to do.

[Anastacy]

Everyone has problems. Ugly, attractive, rich, poor. It's best to try and understand them rather than just "___" them.

Body language isn't that hard, and ignoring it just cause you want a shot is kind of a jerky thing to do.

Sure. So don't "____" everyone that interrupts you as a rude creep. Maybe they're having a bad day and are desperately hoping someone will talk to them. You might enjoy your book more, but you might also help someone feel better.

If the exchange is still "I don't want to" just politely decline and go on with your book. I don't see how hard that is either.

I rather do have mixed feelings on this. In an age where we distract ourselves from typical human interaction (I was at dinner with friends, and this kid was begging his mom to listen to how his day went. begging. but she was too distracted by facebook and kept brushing him off.), I just think encouraging even less interaction is just weird.

Sure, OK, whatever. You don't want to be bothered. I doubt "being bothered" is ever going to be a legit thing to stop, so...maybe just teach and learn how to cope with it better.

I suppose the mother above is teaching her son "properly", though. If a woman's face is buried in her phone, leave her alone.

[Dald]

Never do anything, never make any moves, just sit there and die slowly.

Sounds like proper advice.

Proper profile pic, proper made up last name, proper advice.

[Byleth]

Sure. So don't "____" everyone that interrupts you as a rude creep. Maybe they're having a bad day and hope someone will talk to them. You might enjoy your book more, but you might also help someone feel better.

It's not my job to make a stranger feel better. It's a strangers job to leave me the hell alone.

Don't get me wrong, if someone is lost, or needs actual urgent help, then by all means interrupt me. But if you're just looking to chat, or shoot your shot, then expect to be put in your place for ignoring all my non-verbal cues and body language. (Unless you're really attractive, but then chances are I'm already looking at you ;P).

[Anastacy]

It's not my job to make a stranger feel better. It's a strangers job to leave me the hell alone.

Don't get me wrong, if someone is lost, or needs actual urgent help, then by all means interrupt me. But if you're just looking to chat, or shoot your shot, then expect to be put in your place for ignoring all my non-verbal cues and body language. (Unless you're really attractive, but then chances are I'm already looking at you ;P).

No one said it was your job. And if you deem it not your job, politely decline. Or hey, verbally rudely do it. Just don't be surprised to be called names either, I guess.

[sarahtasher]

Again, some people seems to really don't understand that saying that talking to complete strangers in public transportation while they are busy is at best rude is not being ''anti-social'' or ''SJW''.

[Tumble]

Or, wait for her to approach you... that works too.

Wait. So it's okay for a woman to approach a man she's interested in on the bus because she likes the way he looks, but not okay for a man to approach a female? Stop trying to protect women from the world. They aren't all these little delicate flowers that need you to stand up for them. If she doesn't want to talk with him she can simply say "no thank you not interested ". Don't be sexist.

[Crissi]

Sure. So don't "____" everyone that interrupts you as a rude creep. Maybe they're having a bad day and are desperately hoping someone will talk to them. You might enjoy your book more, but you might also help someone feel better.

If the exchange is still "I don't want to" just politely decline and go on with your book. I don't see how hard that is either.

I rather do have mixed feelings on this. In an age where we distract ourselves from typical human interaction (I was at dinner with friends, and this kid was begging his mom to listen to how his day went. begging. but she was too distracted by facebook and kept brushing him off.), I just think encouraging even less interaction is just weird.

Sure, OK, whatever. You don't want to be bothered. I doubt "being bothered" is ever going to be a legit thing to stop, so...maybe just teach and learn how to cope with it better.

It's not really on the stranger to make you fell better. That's on you do deal with yourself unless someone offers. Like I cant imagine pushing my anxiety on someone else, although Ive had a couple people outright offer to help when they obviously noticed my distress on airplanes. Also, should be noted I was more receptive to this because it was an offer to help, and not an offer to just randomly socialize / flirt.

Socialization isnt just about talking, its about knowing when others obviously dont want random small talk or to be flirted with. Its Just as much on you to know to read people as it is on me to be polite if you are actually being innocent on things. Take responsibility for why you get negative reactions.